I am so unhappy these days, and I wish I could figure out why. Maybe it is taking care of someone else. I took care of my last boyfriend throughout the entire relationship, basically. In this case, it makes more sense. Here my boyfriend just got out of a major surgery to remove a portion of the rectum, colon, and large intestine. I’ve been waiting for this moment to happen for months after doing my best to help through radiation and chemotherapy. Now that it has happened, I just want my life to end. I feel like I’ve given everything I can. What else is there from this point on? Is it weird for me to want a traditional wedding now? It seems selfish for me to change my mind on the basis that the only time I have been married was a godawful event where I was married by the staff of a sandwich shop. It isn’t his fault that I have these emotions about it now. Yet all I keep thinking is “I deserve something from all of this”. Love shouldn’t have to come at a price. It seems so wrong that my mind keeps bringing up some of these emotions, and I wish I could control them from ever happening. Things like feeling uncomfortable sometimes by the amount of praise he has for his girlfriends, or the fact that he gets along so well with his ex-girlfriends and still talks to them. That they want to send him things after his surgery. Why in the hell does this bother me? They have right to do so, considering he is in pain and needs to feel support. At the same time I want to feel like maybe I am the only person. I know he tells me I am, but it is hard to feel that way sometimes when other people are always waiting on the back burner to obtain his praise so easily. I cook, clean, bring pills, fluff pillows, mow the lawn, get the mail, clean the dishes, clean the laundry, and try looking for a job all at the same time. All I want now is to get a job just so I can get away from it all once in awhile. I need a break from mixed messages regarding whether or not he wants his mom here or not, and I need some sort of sign from somewhere that I didn’t just walk into a never ending nightmare of bipolar emotional changes. I am sure most of this is my fault, and I honestly should have known better than get myself sucked into so many other family obstacles that I wasn’t ready to endure in this process. It seems like they all want me to give answers though that I don’t have answers to. I barely know how to take care of myself, let alone supply them with facts I am unaware of and take care of their son. Sometimes I wish I just would get hit by a car and this would all end so that he can inherit the house, get better, and find someone with a lot less problems than me.