how to be stalked without knowing it.

i don't know why, but i have been stalked many times in my life.

i had to go to a school counselor once in high school because this girl was stealing things and giving me them as gifts. that would not have been so bad, except she would give them to me at work. every shift. it got to the point where my boss asked, "why is this freak bothering you every day?" i started crying and said that i didn't know and i wished she would leave me alone. then she started sitting outside my bedroom window at 1 AM knocking. i would get to the window and she would be there. one of the last times we spoke she said, "i took a bunch of pills and tried to bike to your house. i fell in a ditch on the way here, but here i am." i looked at her weirdly and asked why, and she said, "i just needed to know how you were doing."
then my dad finally went up to her in the driveway of one of these visits and told her to leave me alone or he would call the authorities.

these things happen to me. i don't know why exactly. in her case, i think it was because i was the only person in this one class that bothered to treat her kindly. then it went from that to people i tutored in guitar during high school.

for one, the only reason why i was a guitar tutor is because my parents wanted me to take an extra semester of high school because, "i was too involved with trouble and we need to set her straight." the music instructor for the class and i had known each other for years, but i would not say we were on too friendly of terms. we got along fine, but i confronted him on how i felt his behavior towards some of the women in my class seemed inappropriate, and after that we did not get along too well.

point being...

i have seen some of these boys that i tutored back when since. two of them are my friends to this day and are men who i consider to be kind and funny. one of them admitted to me in the last year that, "all the boys had a crush on me back then because of the obvious fact that i was a year or two older, at age seventeen, and they were all in their blossoming freshmen and sophomore years of high school." he also said, "do you blame us? in a class dominated by young men you were this developed woman that wailed on a guitar." while that is definitely flattering and makes me feel like quite the vixen (heh heh heh!), it also makes me feel a little odd knowing that i had become the "hot for teacher" woman for them all. both of these guys have been honest with me about how they felt back then, and of course how i am basically that older sister to them now. they don't make me feel uncomfortable. then there are these two guys.

the first guy plays music still in a bunch of weird hippie bands locally. i personally cannot stand the style of music he has been involved with currently, but i do respect him still playing. the last times i have ever ran into him though, i felt extraordinarily uncomfortable. the first time he went off about how he had a dreams about me constantly and how i made him want to try to succeed as a musician. on one hand, it is flattering to think that you inspire someone. on the other, when they mention the whole "dreaming" part, you feel incredibly awkward.
then he says how he's always wanted me and that we should go out. he mentions how he's seen me around town and that he's just been waiting to make his move.
eeww. gross.
after he went off on his creepy tangent of all this crap, i finally said i had to go home and meet my beautiful and wonderful fiance for dinner. i said, "he's just the greatest thing, and i love him so much. i could honestly never dream of being with ANYONE ELSE." i took off quickly and made my friend brent assist me to my car (which he did so greatly and nicely, since he knows that i am a freak magnet).

then there was last night. this guy shows up at this party i was at with my fiance. for one, he wasn't invited. two, one of the hosts was making fun of him and he didn't even get the picture. then i made the mistake of laughing at something and someone said my name. he overheard and said, "holly? is that you? oh shit, i can't believe it is you." he goes off about how we went to high school together and tells me about 20 times over and over that, "i've seen you at the cafe. i tell all the staff that i know you. i tell them i know you and that you know how to play guitar." this is disturbing because a) i've only been to the cafe about three times in the last two years, and b) because he continually repeated this over and over again. at some point i point towards my partner and said, "this is my fiance. we really have to get going home since it is getting late." the man (keep in mind my partner is standing RIGHT BY ME) had the gall to go off about how i was still really hot and, "i look so young" or whatever. this made me pissed off. at this point i was staring around me for help because i was otherwise going to start getting violent if he didn't leave me alone. of course my sweetie comes up and saves me from him with a great interruption about having to work on some intense drawing in microstation, and the man finally left us all alone.

so this is what i am curious about...why?
why do people feel this intense need to follow another person around? is it the desire to know what the person is like outside of their regular encounters?
is it to imagine being that person?
is it to have fantasties about them or catch them doing something hilarious or dirty?

i cannot comprehend this kind of behavior. i don't understand why both of these guys admitted to me about following me around and mentioning that they have these desires of me because, to be honest, i don't think most people would take that as a sign that this person is a great catch. i'm always great with having a certain level of compliments from someone, and it is nice to feel so flattered, but it isn't great being stalked. it just makes me feel uncomfortable to go anywhere downtown.

the good thing though is that i live a wonderful life with a wonderful man. no matter how many people want to follow me around to see what i am doing in my free time, i think they are only going to see those two things on a consistent basis. there's no lindsey lohan parties or crazy girls gone wild happening in my free time. there's nothing too entertaining for anyone but my partner and i. considering this, i suggest that they find a new hobby or find out why they feel this desire to follow other people in the first place and try to remedy it with spending more time taking care of themselves.