you could never publish my love.

last night i had interpreted in one specific way. then i thought about it more today and realized it was the exact opposite of what i had originally interpreted. it was rather profound, really.
my "partner in crime/ultimate femme fetale" t-money and i were hanging out. we started talking about whatever, and eventually she brought out these cards called karma cards. they are somewhat along the lines of tarot, but slightly different. while i am not someone that really believes in astrology and tarot, there is one thing that i do like about both. something is presented to you that is definitely someone talking out of nowhere about what your future or emotional state should be. ignoring the statement they are giving you, you take the question that is supposed to be applied, and you analyze how that could ever affect you. it becomes seperate from the actual element, and it comes down to the idea of someone simply asking you something rather simple about yourself. the being itself becomes yourself asking, well...yourself. at some point i had a card that presented a large blueish green sphere, glowing in a sky of stars that appeared to be infinite. t-money stopped for a second and said, "wow, this is beautiful, holly. this is everything about you. this is your aura, you know? you are such a blueish green person."
so i sort of gave her that, "explain this to me" look, and she gave me a compliment that i sort of ignored at the time, until now.
"you have such a big heart. you are giving, compassionate. you see, because you care so much, you always try to make things work. you always put your whole self into things for the needs of others. you think you are weak, but you are not."
so i asked back, "what do you mean exactly?"
..and she said something that i guess i really needed to hear. i think it was something that had been bothering me for some time. "i never hear you say you dumped someone. they always dumped you. yet, you always bounce back. you are always strong about it and just take it as it is. i mean, think about the divorce. even though you knew it was doomed, you kept trying."
"well, i wanted to attempt to make it work..."
"..and of course you did. you wanted to try to make it work because you believe that if you loved someone to begin with, then the small things shouldn't change those initial feelings and reactions. the difference here is that you are scared of the mistakes you believe you have made in your past, and that you think you cannot succeed in love because of one failed attempt. you're ready to break down those walls and understand that you did everything you could, and that you were not made to fail again. you know this."
"yes, but i'm always the one to get dumped. i mean, i know i try and all, but i'm always the one that gets pushed aside. i am always slightly afraid that it's just going to keep happening to me again and again."
"yeah, but all of those people are also unhappy and miserable. they probably do that to everyone. they don't even try to understand what they have and how to make it work. that's what makes you better than them."

...and then, not even an hour later, i sit with someone that continually shows me this endearing nature. he speaks of his day, he shows his very being in his mannerisms and poise. he has a voice that cascades across a room with a soothing hum, and an encyclopedia cranium that gives me the scoop on anything i could ever have been curious of, or wondering about. i listened without thinking of what had happened. i instead kept thinking about where i could find a cheap bass and some cheap, but good quality delay pedals. i'm one geekified cosmonaut, for sure. one very lucky, hopefully not saying too much here, cosmonaut.