everything in general.

this weekend was very awesome! the show went pretty well, considering the turn out wasn't that big for my set. it's hard to be the starter for things. i did, however, get some good feedback. there happens to be one person though that i was hoping liked the set that seemed to enjoy it immensely. jeremy, the awesomely brilliant bonefish sam/very most guru came up to me and said some kind words. the one thing that he said with alise was that i am supposedly "the next big thing," which confused me, but did make me feel pretty good none the less. the words, "we will record you" did come out at some point, and for a good price. the other great thing was that within the day, i had some people that said, "its seriously time for you to record, because people have been asking for your stuff." i've been excited about the opportunities coming around, although there is always that struggle to find time to take advantage of many of them. i do want to record though, and i think its essential. days ago i had thought about throwing in the towel completely and just sticking with bands...claiming the solo work as void and buried alive...letting it rot away, forgotten, never to remain or exist in the minds of the public again. i'd felt as though no one cared. i've always been the act that gets placed in the weird spot. i'd started to finally hit this wall of feeling rejected. despite what the people that mean anything to me think, it was the fact that, after 11 years of playing music, i had to open for people that had only been in their acts or in the music community for a couple of years. i'd felt like i was slapped in the face and told to never bother again.
then i finally stopped caring at some point yesterday and realized that part of this reason might sadly be that i am a woman, and experimental at that. it's not the style of music that boise understands completely. all of the people i know within the same weird genre have also struggled over the last few years, and i guess i have to expect the same. don't think of this as me complaining at all, because it isn't. i've just been feeling so rejected when it comes to solo music. i've felt for so long that the only way people would ever listen to the music that i create is if i'm in a band (specifically with men in it). despite the feelings though, i've been playing solo since i was 13. i love playing music. it is who i am, although at times i wish i could rid myself of the overwhelming desire to always create something new and different...more and more music.

i guess the point of all of this is that i know my calling, and i know what i love to do. i can't let anything stop me from knowing that i'm good at what i do. despite what anyone else thinks, i know that every little aspect of my life has brought me where i am today...and you can only embrace it (even though those around you might not make you feel as though you should). that's pretty much it.