A break has been nice so far. I have got a lot of stuff done around the house. That is a very nice thing.

I have been in a weird mood all week. A mood that constantly changes, but isn't so bad. The biggest reoccurring theme is feeling a real happiness that I've got Joel in my life. I have been feeling lucky to have him lately. I realized that I would be so much more stressed out if he wasn't here. I've been feeling good with the fact that he is done with chemotherapy and that we might be back into having some normalcy for once. I've had a big push of excitement and the fact that we've been talking about doing this Scotland trip and maybe getting hitched while we are over there. It is so thrilling to finally feel happy about the idea of being married to someone. As painful as it is to admit, any time the marriage thing has come up in a relationship throughout my life, it has sounded like a terrifying idea. What if they are just lonely and chose me because they think this is the best thing they have found so far and they just don't want to try to ever feel love? Nothing is more depressing than knowing a relationship might just be simply settling for something and not moving on to finding someone you are passionate about. I feel like I have that guy that I've always wanted and looked for. The fact he could have died scares me. I always have this fear that it will all end...that the best moments of my life will soon end and it will be another long spell of the horrible shit spell that I lived for so long. The point I am getting at is that it is really nice to feel like maybe things are going to be okay. I am so excited that we might get to do some traveling and get to do something sweet together.