Cannot sleep, which means it is probably a good time to write.

Where do I start...

Things I miss: kissing, walking, biking, sex, talking about the future without a ping of wondering whether or not things will ever be normal again.
I know none of these things can be avoided as of right now though, and I am more relieved to know that the cancer is almost gone from him (hopefully). I keep crossing my fingers that the possibility of bone cancer goes away and that we can eventually have what could be considered a normal relationship. I often wish that things started this bad right from the get go so that I didn't have memories of things being normal and fun. All I think about most of the time is how things once were, and that is the hardest part. I am so happy that he is getting better, but nothing is harder than watching the person you love become weakened by chemotherapy and to have to hang out for hours on end in a room filled with people dying of cancer. The whole thing definitely changes your perspective on life.

As of lately I have spent a large amount of time dissecting the way people communicate through social media. I've always viewed things such as facebook and twitter to be a great way to share a funny video or to say something random and get a conversation going. On average it is more of my way of trying to say something comical that I am thinking at that given moment. I've become rather fascinated by how many people seem to continually make statements with a form of enthusiasm that doesn't seem realistic. If you know that the person is a bitter asshole, then you know that each time they end a statement with a form of enthusiasm (such as "hooray"), that it is to play the actor and to give a false sense of who they are. I've found that I begin reading the messages that people write and watch how they interact in public (text versus oral and nonverbal communication). On average I have found most people to not sway between the forms of communication. I believe that most people are fairly nervous around people they don't know and will show the signs of that, or that they will change the tones of their voice depending on the familiarity of the person they are speaking to. The thing I have become more infatuated by is how people will change the very fibers of who they are depending on the situation. All of this is based on an ex of mine that I have seen. His very communication is false to who I know him to be. I'll be honest since this is a place where I know he will never venture anyways....he is a pompous, arrogant, selfish, egotistical and narcissistic human being. He can be nice at times, but on average he is rude(the type that would treat you with contempt on your birthday and get drunk to the point where you have to drive him home instead). This is okay...you are who you are, and all you can do is be self aware and try to make changes about how you treat others to fix these kinds of issues. Instead I find that he writes messages that show fake enthusiasm and a general sense of "I'm a professional businessman" dialogs as to toot his own horn and to end each statement with a "hooray" or some form of enthusiasm. At first this threw me off. I thought that maybe he still had the ego, but learned to be happy through all of that muddle (because as I am sure you all know, behind an angry and bitter asshole usually lies a depressed human being). One day my sweetie and I were drinking coffee and I spotted my ex walking across the street. He had completely changed his dress style. He had cut his hair differently, dyed it, changed his clothes and shoes, different glasses...you name it. Knowing the fact that he went out of his way on average to keep his hair cut short and always dress as a professional because "you never know when the opportunity will come up", this got us confused. Then my thoughts went to the fact that he is dating someone new and that maybe she has had an influence on him to try different things, which can also be a really good thing. We ran into him at a show and the first thing he says to my boyfriend was "how's your ass?" in the coldest tone he could choose. People turned in dismay at the rudeness of the statement (considering that it is rather rude to insult someone for having stage three colorectal cancer). What can I conclude otherwise? His personality didn't change, but instead he changed everything else about himself he could think of to seem different. Since the whole cancer thing started, I have found a lot of people are kind and want to help when you are going through tough times. When I find a person like my ex in the mix, it throws me off. How can someone be so heartless? Then how can they use social media to seem as though they are a nice person that cares about others? Do these kinds of people believe that they can fool society in 140 characters? Maybe social media has been created so we can become anything we want to be. Maybe it goes beyond an effective way of communicating an idea (like where to meet for an event). All of this makes me feel like the internet is just a stage for anyone to mold themselves into whatever image they've wanted to become.

After a rant like that, maybe I have finally cleared my head for sleeping. These thoughts at least help me know that the people I have met that are real, sweet, and wonderful people mean more to me than I could even begin to imagine.