keyboard vocal tracks produced by the great producer, doctor woods.

you know what i have not seen nearly enough of these days? dancing elvises. however you pluralize a subculture of elvis impersonators is beyond me, but this is the only way i could come up with for it. i used to see them parading down the streets often in their luxuriously "to the elvis extreme" clothing wear, as well as the grandiose glasses of a 70's porn star. there is one of them out in portland, who is a street celebrity for his impersonation. he doesn't look anything like elvis, and he doesn't really have down the moves, but he gives you a real sense of comfort as you find yourself lost in the maze of chinatown. he throttles about like a turkey gizzard with his jangly legs and a "smooth feeling."

and then there was the church of elvis.

so let me start by saying that i'm not really that big of a fan of elvis. he was talented, of course, but he isn't someone that i find myself listening to all that often. the thing is, there are musicians, and then there are icons. elvis was one of (and still is) like the villian on soap operas; he never dies. ever. he's in a cloudline over the state of nebraska. he's on a cool ranch dorito chip in alberta, canada. he's on some naan in india. he's all over the fucking nation to this day and is considered a god to some people out there.

which brings me to the church of elvis.

that place was amazing. first, you had to go through this old business building up some old and narrow staircase to a door that had that classic frosted glass look to the mirror. the woman that ran the shop said we could come in and give us the grand tour. right off the bat you got the sensation that the place was going to be weird.

it was totally weird.

for one, there is hardly any elvis. it went from a giant 7-11 stand up cardboard poster of an angel (with wings that moved, mind you), holding a giant slurpee. from what i can recall, a train set went around this item, as well as some other random stand-up posters, weird collectable toys (like my little pony and whatnot), and bizarre posters of random and various things. you finally get to the shrine room where there is a giant cardboard stand-up poster of elvis and there is yet more bizarre things lining the entirety of the shrine and room. she asked me if i wanted to get married in there, and i told her i already was. she looked at me and said, "you could get married again for only $40 dollars." i laughed and said no again, and i think it really pissed her off after that. my friend tyler was with me who had been there so many times that he knew all the answers to the trivia questions that she asked us, and fromt that point on i could tell that she was infuriated.

we got to the end of the tour and we asked about buying merchandise. instead she kicked us out and yelled shitheads (or something like that) at us. we all couldn't stop laughing, because we decided she was the most awesome person we had ever met. we didn't know what we did wrong, but we loved the method that she kicked us out. most importantly, she had the most bizarre and amazing collection of everything that i never knew i actually knew about...EVER. she even had the elvis atm set up outside where you could have elvis answer random questions for you. is there anything more fantastic and extreme as that?

but alas...the church has been closed for some time now. the dancing elvises must have felt that same pang of sadness and gave up their quest at being street celebrities*.

*by saying celebrity, i am meaning cult followed celebrity, not "who is the father of my baby" sort of national inquirer celebrity status.


--i should also mention that nothing can make me laugh harder than this: