hard times at ridgemont high.

while i was outside working in the garden, i started to think about my day. it started out so cheerful, and then i felt humiliated and rejected at work. it was awful. the worst thing about it is that i know i try so damned hard, but i feel as though i tend to get the short end of the stick constantly throughout work and life in general. i know i have to wait things out though and see if they will change for the better, and especially because i've worked so hard to get to where i am. at the same time though, i'm so ready to give up and do something else entirely. i just don't know what. i should have went to the gym today too, but instead i worked out at home. that alone makes me feel like even more of a slacker.

i don't even know what is wrong right now. i'm just so sad. i think it is because everyone else is getting a party thrown for them, or some form of recognition. i get crap at work, then more work, then sleep. i can't remember the last time i got anything for myself, except for a $2.00 sandwich for lunch. i got in the car, listened to this god awful news story, then more news about myanmar, and then waited until it turned 4:45 so i could get in the car and cry. instead i sat in traffic, got home, and continually thought about what the hell i really want out of life right now.
that made me cry even more, because i don't know what i want. i don't know what i want to do. i don't know when i'll even have the time to take off for myself and give myself a real vacation. all i want is a day that is all my own where i don't have to do a damned thing for anyone else. the first step is to get my bike fixed up and ready to go. the next is to start biking everywhere. i'll go to all the parties, of course. i just am never going to expect anything back in return, because i guess no one else thinks i deserve anything. keep in mind that i know i am whining, and i apologize. i am just really freaking upset right now about having such an awful day. all i want to do now is get involved with the bike race coming up and start working on the garden. then the album. eventually i will finally have the funds to go get my eyesight checked, get some meds to keep me focused again and just be the drone that everyone loved so much better. maybe i'm not all that intelligent though and have kept myself in a delusional state all these years to keep myself going. the truth of it all is that i have no room to complain. there are people out there still missing in myanmar, and there are thousands without food or shelter. i'm sounding so spoiled and selfish with these trains of thought. when i have a bad day though, it just makes all these emotions and strings of ridiculous self ridicule come out. i guess i should be facing all of this and realizing that maybe everyone else deserves to have a party thrown for them because they've done a lot more than i ever have, and the fact that i even began writing this just shows how ungrateful and selfish i can be. i guess i really can be a bitch. ugh. if i can make it through this week, then everything will be fine. i just need to get some sign that everything i've worked for in my life isn't pointless.