ducks in a cup is really one of the cutest things imaginable.
i suppose i'll write the only thing i can think of writing that isn't dealing with myself.
to those that have contacted me with a particular issue (you know who you are),
while it may seem that the world is crushing you or that you are fragile, from one's worst times come their best. tragedy happens for many different reasons, but i think it mainly happens to give perspective as to how amazing the great times really are. after a long spread of negative and perhaps awful events, when a pleasant and refreshing one turns up, it allows you to realize how fantastic those great moments are. so, in other words, beauty really does exist in the weirdest of places.
i know you definitely feel hurt right now, but things happen for a reason. despite the fact that this one event is unfortunate for you currently, it might not be in retrospect. relationships are difficult, and especially long distance ones. the worst is knowing that you feel so much for someone, but they are too far away for you to really express it to them. i honestly don't think that i could do it (although i admire those that can and feel that they are some of the strongest individuals i have ever met in my life). think of it this way as well...you have mentioned you feel broken and that you are weak and unable to deal with such emotional distress, yet i've seen you deal with worse before. i know that you are much stronger than the person i met years ago, and i know that you know this too. i know you will not have the chance to read this for some time, and i am sorry i missed your call (i am assuming you had tried to call me...hopefully my assumption is right). just keep in mind that it wasn't this other person that made you who you are or gave you the confidence to continue going on. you had it all along without them. maybe they will come back, and maybe they won't. either way though, you made this amazing life for yourself. don't waste it thinking you lost everything. in reality, you've gained more than you probably will realize for some time.
the sky is overcast outside. it looks dreadfully cold. i don't dare go back out there after walking through the smog that cascaded over the valley this morning. i have this weird superstition as of late about talking of the amount of work i have, or how work feels. i have this weird belief that if i say it is slammed, it will drag. if i say it is dragging along, it will get slammed. i've had this belief for years, but it seems to be so much stronger as of late. the funny thing is that deep down i'm sure that nothing really changed at all. i think it is probably the idea that i am so focused on one feeling that when the environment is slightly altered, it suddenly becomes overwhelming. who knows. i just love the fact that i actually am so concerned about it that i don't want to admit how i feel about work right now.
i hate not being able to sleep. i've had this problem for years where i'll not be able to sleep for days on end and then suddenly crash hard. it is not nearly like the days in moscow where i went a full month without sleeping and was on a few medications in the hopes of lulling me to sleep (and sadly, none of them ever worked). i wish i could instantly fall asleep like everyone else i know. i struggle all night thinking a million things, trying not to think of them (which telling yourself not to think is still thinking, so it actually just becomes this annoying and vicious cycle of your mind yelling at itself for thinking anything in the first place). then when i'm finally feeling relaxed, my brain gives me this whole slew of stuff like "you're doing good...you'll be asleep soon. just stop thinking and keep going with this." by me acknowledging all of this though, i am once again awake. i then go back through the first cycle, slowly to the latter cycle, then back to the first cycle.
then i eventually usually give up and let my mind wander to whatever weird thing it wants to focus on. most of the time they end up being negative trains of thought, simply because i'm annoyed with my mind by then. the positive aspects get wiped out by the stress of trying to fall asleep. if i get out of the random memories stage, it becomes these really awful statements in my head, such as: "its pathetic that you can't even sleep correctly, let alone do your job correctly" or, "all you'll have when you wake up is another day of barely existing to most people." i know this is awful, and i honestly don't even know why i am sharing this. i've been very strict with not putting my really negative thoughts on here, but i'm too tired to care today.
i finally get spoken to in the last hour, and it is all questions about the wedding. ugh. yet another stress brought to my attention. everyday it is just more and more stress.
more people telling me what i am not doing right or just not doing at all. if only they all knew that it takes me about 20 minutes a day to figure out why i am getting out of bed in the first place, maybe they'd finally freaking understand that maybe i'm not a slacker, and maybe i'm not a freaking idiot...i'm just totally sick of feeling like i am nobody all the damned time.
dang. this is really depressing. i always promised myself to try to end each post nicely, so here we go.
1 comment:
I had the same sleep issues as well...it is amazing! Thank you for the post! It relates to a lot of people in many ways!
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