giga dance, giga dance

it is cold outside. i can see a fog above the grass, lightly lingering about in the afternoon musk. i've thought about going out there and finally going to the gym, but at the same time it is so nice to finally just sit here and not do anything. work this week hasn't been horribly stressful (it was for awhile earlier this week), but i've been going through a lot of my own crap. i definitely send a thank you to blake though for being really compassionate towards my state of well being. it is good to know that i've got a friend that wants to make sure i'm doing okay. i send the same wishes out to him.

so i'm sitting here listening to tapes 'n tapes, doing a crossword (while typing this up at the same time), and realizing how completely separated i am from society these days. i know i could easily fix this problem by getting in my car and going to boise today, but at the same time, the cold! the blasted cold is keeping me indoors, even though i am wearing long underwear and knee high socks (which looks pretty funny together, for sure). now the player is playing uncle tupelo. it's been a long time since i've listened to them. the irony...the song is titled, "no depression" (yes, just like the old movie/album back in the early '90s...)

i miss many things as of late. i miss romance. i miss seeing my friends. i miss music. i havn't felt the ideas coming to mind musically as easily as i did in the past. this usually means that my funk is pretty bad, and that i've got to wait it out until things finally settle down. i know they will. i guess i should force myself out of bed and start taking care of some planning and whatnot. i've got to stop relying on the idea that anyone else will help me with planning. i've got to go out take care of it myself. so...i guess i'll probably give up and see what various stores i can find for a dress. people keep telling me i should crochet a dress, but trust me-- i've tried that before. it's not going to be an x-rated wedding. sorry.

this is one of those mornings where you wake up satisfied that you finally got a full night's sleep, but wake up with that knowing that you could probably just go back to bed all day and have no real change in anything.

i should probably go eat something. i didn't eat dinner last night. i completely forgot. i've been forgetting to eat a lot this week, ever since the dreaded flu. instead i am sitting here drinking a beer. considering this is the first thing i grabbed this morning, i can only sense what kind of day this will be. i know that all most friends are pretty much at work right now. i know a couple of them that are not, but i know that they'll want to get coffee or get obliterated, and i don't feel like doing either of those things too much at this current moment.

now the music is on destroyer. one of my all time favorite songs is a destroyer song. it is only because it has my name in it, but still. holly isn't really as common of a name as you would assume. i can never find any of those little keychain dealie-o's with my name on it.

http://radio3.cbc.ca/play/concert/Destroyer-2002-05-25/Holly-Going-Lightly/

"holly going lightly"

I was stark and I was ravening...
I was idle in spring, and it felt good...
I was fashioned after something made of wood,
that I shouldn't have done...
Some girls got guns...
and some get into running favors for the Queen,
like deciphering what it means when the band goes -
"DooRah DooRah DooRah DooRah!"

I was 'bedsit' and reviews were rave...
I dug your poetry a grave and it felt good...
I was modeled after something made of wood,
that I shouldn't have done...
Some boys build guns...
and some get into running errands for the King
like making out the words when the band goes -
"DooRah DooRah DooRah DooRah!"

Hey there, pretty flower...
Get yourself together...
Momma's been looking for you,
but momma should know better.
I was silver... I was gold...
I watched Holly going lightly down the road..

all in all, i suppose you could say that i am happy. i just have to learn to shut all the demons out of my head that tell me to be sad about all the things that should not affect me whatsoever. things like the one that formed yesterday:
"the person talking to you thinks you are stupid. you can tell by their mannerisms..."

god. who cares. who really cares. i don't even know what brings me to think things like that.

my radio station just put on a frog eyes song, and it made me recall this time when i was dating this guy after the divorce papers were signed. about two months after, i was seeing this guy that was an alcoholic/methamphetamine fiend (and yeah, i didn't know that until the point where our relationship fizzled into nothing). point being, he made me this cd that he titled, "resuscitation" as a gift. the song, "a latex ice age" by frog eyes was on there, and he pointed it out to me. "every time i ever hear this song, i think of you. i hope that everytime you hear it, you think of me." about a month or so before this, when i was dating this other fellow (who cheated on me and was also an alcoholic...i was on a string of alcoholic boyfriends for a long time) i had remembered that krug wrote the song for his wife. now when i hear that song though, however, i just think of what a jerk that ex-boyfriend was for lying to me and using me in his messed up little self deprecated lifestyle. well, and that it is a beautiful song that krug wrote for his wife.
either way, the song is still beautiful. here are the lyrics.

"a latex ice age"
what's california?
with them streams, and their creeks.
running down, down to the sea.
ohoh, let me see.

a latex ice age
descended the pint-sized children
and fathers of the land

though the ice is repulsive to them
when the winter, it bloody clings
and the summer, it moves long
so, hit the road and hit the wrong
come along: my bait's all right
make one famous, make next sick
upon my collar i'll feel your prick
row the poly with the poly

i really need you
because there's holey woods
and there's holy creeks
and there's love in the limbs
and love in the treetops.
"they will rise to greet occasions."
they will run from the falling apart
they will rise from great occasions,
and they will run from falling apart

i suppose this is it. have a great saturday.