i've realized as of recent that i've been using this in different terms than it used to be. i started this blog years ago when i was going through a divorce. i did it because i couldn't afford to talk to anyone about my issues, and i didn't really know what to say. later on, i felt guilty about using it as a format of self loathing on display, and i tried to give it personality. the posts started to be less about myself, and more about politics and music. lately it has went back to what it was before. i mention this because while it makes me feel guilty, i know it shouldn't. if i've got something to say, then i've got something to say. if it makes me feel better, than it was worth writing. so here is my can of worms for you all.
realization #1: i actually do have to interact with others. while part of me doesn't want to, i know i have to. as a good friend of mine said recently to me, "you cannot let inertia win. you've got to force yourself to interact with others." although i've got to a point where i feel anxious and sick throughout most social interactions, i know it is because i feel so uncomfortable about myself. the more i force myself to talk to others, (hopefully) the more i will realize that everyone has levels of anxiety when trying to adapt to other people. i've just got to get myself out of my shell and start communicating again. i also have to force myself to answer my phone again.
realization #2: i've got to start playing music again. even if it isn't my best work, i've got to. you don't just stop playing after you've dedicated your life to it. music has always been there for me when nothing else has. it is my ultimate love and passion. i never feel as pumped as i do after finishing a show that i know went well, after i have wrote a song filled with all the essence of my being, after expelling all my depression and anger into words that i won't even remember minutes after. it is invigorating and real. i cannot ignore what makes me who i am, and i've got continue recording. it can't make anything worse, by any means.
realization #3: exercising helps. i felt great after i left the gym the other day. even though there was creepy guy looking at my ass when i was getting out of the car in the parking lot, i still enjoyed burning some calories and jumping into the sauna. i just wish i could have had my sweetie with me...but it was still very relaxing.
realization #4: i can be happy. it's okay. no one is going to get angry at you for actually taking time off and doing something for yourself. they'd probably applaud you for finally doing it.
realization #5: i am, indeed, the luckiest person i know. i've met this wonderful person who is understanding and giving. so why do i get scared by this? why do i get frightened that i am doing everything wrong and that he'll get disappointed and leave? i've been reassured, and i know deep down that he never would do such a thing. it's like i have been let down so many times in the past that i still expect things to change. i am (and i am finally admitting this to myself because diego went off on me about this...thank you) for going through a cycle about 4 months into any relationship when i get prepared to get dumped. so i slowly distance myself away and take everything seriously, assuming that anytime i will see them next they will start off with those fatal words, "we have to talk." this behavior, however, only pushes the person i love further away from me, because i am forcing it to happen. it is this harsh cycle that makes no sense whatsoever that i have literally been doing for years. why? that's the thing that gets me the most...why? why do i push the person i love away from me, and why do i think that is what they want? the worst thing about it is as i am doing all of this, i feel awful. i recognize that i am doing it, but my brain starts repeating these weird negative messages. i've got to start setting up a system of things to repeat to myself in my times of extraordinarily negative thoughts.
self realization #6: i'm going to try to do something i've never done before. once a week, i am going to sit down and attempt to say anything that i think needs to be said in order to keep a happy and open table lifestyle. i've not been as honest as i should be. i've definitely been more honest than i have ever been in my entire life, but i'm still hurting myself with my attitude, as well as others. so, in others words (for example), if someone says something that hurts my feelings, i will make sure that if i can't tell them at that second, i will tell them later. if things need to start changing around the house, i will say it. there has to be a communication exercise happening in order for me to get used to saying what is on my mind. as much as i didn't realize it, i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by saying a few things that had been bothering me yesterday. the sad thing was, they had been bothering me for about a week. i just couldn't let myself say anything about it, for some odd reason. as usual. so this is going to be a format to start talking, without feeling as though i'm ruining someone's day by saying anything. it will be expected, because it will be a regular exercise to help make us stronger.
self realization #7: designate a day every week to do something important/special. perhaps a date night every week, or a day where i take myself out and have a good time. this kind of scheduling should provide some time to become more intimate and relaxed. that's definitely necessary these days.
self realization #8: things won't end up the way they did in the past. most importantly, i'm too good for any of that to ever happen again. the fact that i ever took a single word expelled throughout my divorce as being truth to who i am as a person is ridiculous, and i know that i am not (as i was told at the time) "crazy, uneducated, and chubby." if i were crazy, i would not have achieved and lived through any of the experiences that i have. if i were uneducated, i wouldn't be where i am today in a great job with so many opportunities. if i were chubby, that would mean i'd have to be most likely of bad health. i'm only 125 pounds, and i take pretty good care of myself. geez...back then i only weighed 110 pounds, so the fact that was said makes it seem even more sad in retrospect.
and last, but not least...
self realization #9: i can't change the past, and i don't want to. i can't change the experiences of others either. why should i want to anyways? i've got enough stories that i could write a million novels, and have wisdom to give to others. i could not desire more in life than to have lived it fully, no matter what turns it may take.
i know that this isn't a fun and fancy post, but it was needed. darrin sure is great, and i sure love him. the best thing is that i know he loves me unconditionally as well. i wrote this down for myself, but for him as well. i want to make sure that we do have great communication. i wouldn't want to destroy the one thing that means the most to me (other than myself, of course). i do want to spend the rest of my life with him, and most importantly, i want it to be a happy and satisfying relationship. i feel really great after writing this too. it was definitely needed, for sure.
so...i suppose what should be said is that even though i've been sad lately, deep down i am really happy. i've been reliving a lot of the things i went through when i was married before. it's a big can of worms, unfortunately. there are many things that i havn't told a soul about that relationship, and frankly, i don't know if i ever could. the thing that is important to remember though is that i went through it, and it will not happen again...even though my brain keeps sending negative messages that it will. just because jim couldn't handle the fact that i'm open and honest about things doesn't mean that darrin will (and i know he won't). i am thrilled about this relationship. i feel rather funny about admitting this all on my blog, but here it is anyways. have a great day.
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