i promise the arctic to you.

i sort of want to move to the arctic lands now, thanks to all of the articles going out online on the subject.

i am, once again, attempting to keep myself in check. it is ridiculous that i've been this stressed, and it concerns me the most that i know i can't even understand and feel anyone's love and compassion because i've been so stressed...to the point it has made me sickly depressed. wow, that rhymed. anyways...it concerns me that i try to remember the last time i did anything for myself, without the mentality that it would help someone else, and know that it's been too long to remember. maybe months. maybe years. so its back to square one on the "how do i really keep myself in check?" game...and the one thing i know is that i have to take baby steps on everything. it annoys me that i know i've seen this written in my collection of writings many times thus far, but it also concerns me to know i've seen it many times. i know what to expect from this and why it is the case, since i am far too concerned about perfection to the point where it is unhealthy. its to the point where i cry if i don't succeed in things, i feel upset at the fact that some people accomplish more than i have, and the fact that i feel my capacity for learning is diminishing over time. i also forget that i work a lot, that i have accomplished a lot in life, and that i am so very lucky for everything i have. i also forget that i am a great person, and that i have so much to offer to this world. i forget that i have needs, that i have a voice, and that i get upset for a reason. i also forget that these things happen because i do nothing to prevent them from happening.
what a box of stuff, right?
so how do i start getting over this mound of crap?
well, that has been the thing that has continually been my strife. i am thinking that the first thing is to keep myself away from negative forces, to keep myself close to the things i love...and to do things like going out and dancing my butt off. i love dancing. i absolutely love dancing with friends and grooving to some good tunes. most importantly, it helps me boost my self esteem. i don't know what it is, but i guess its the fact that i'm with the ladies, we're all getting funky, and we all tell each other how much we care about one another. its a festival of good feelings, great attitudes, and people complimenting one another's achievements and terrible dance moves. most importantly, its me doing something without someone telling me what to do. its me saying, "i am doing this...this is where i am going, this is what i am doing, and it will be completely and totally awesome." after this, the other thing i know will help is having time to sit around at the library occasionally, and possibly reading a book. i don't think i need to necessarily seek help over everything i feel right now, but i do know that i have a lot of emotions being rehashed. i have such a wonderful change in my life happening, but it also reminds me of all the unfortunate feelings i've had in the past from being in this position. while it will not ever be the same way (and i know it will not, because i am definitely with the person i want to spend my life with), i still get scared. i still have moments where i feel as though i am making the same communicational mistakes that i know i've made in the past, and many times where i think about all the negative things i've been told before....such as, "you push people away," "you are too sensitive," or "you were never meant to be with anyone"...i make myself scared sick with these thoughts, and yet i continually rehash them over and over in my subconscious. my brain keeps telling me that maybe everything will end up the same because i create these problems, and that even though i know in my heart and my complete mental know-how that this is not going to be the case, that maybe i am wrong and it will...since in the past when i've had emotional stock put into things, i've been dramatically let down. yet, the funny thing is, i know deep down that this all isn't the case. i know that things are fantastic, that there will be times that will be hard, but that we will work through them...and that we are great together, that we make great things happen together, and that the world is a better place because we are together. i'm so silly right now with all these bizarre concerns. i guess the thing is learning to have the confidence of knowing that i won't be hurt so horribly again because he would never allow it to. i have to learn to understand myself to the point where i will trust my knowledge and not bring back the past into the present in a vicious, demeaning cycle.