you are in my heart, you are in my dreams, you are in my soul.

dang, t.c. boyle warped my mind. the one story i did love out of the book i'm reading currently is one based on the dwight d. eisenhower presidency, where he had a secret love affair with the russian ambassador's wife. it was rather sweet and endearing in the nature that ike attempts to show all of his affections, especially to a woman that seems trapped in her place, but wishing to only have at least one moment with him...whether she has to wait for a year or ten years. it was rather sad too, but also was rather endearing.
the others though....oh boy. great writing style, but they almost made me feel sick. especially greasy lake. oh man. i kinda think when i am done with this book, i will probably have to sell it back or give it to someone. it hit a certain "too close to home" level in my gut that made me feel uncomfortable to read....let alone process in any form. yuck.

i think i'm going to do something for myself today. i don't know what. i just know that i feel like i can't give anymore today. i've got to do something for only me. i'm guessing it will be a bike ride. maybe just getting out of the house and having another good cry. i have no idea. i just know lately that i feel like the world is moving around me, and i'm just sort of stuck in place. its rather weird. i've felt lonely lately for some odd reason, and i don't know why. i think its the fact that almost all my friends have moved. everyone gets invitations everywhere, and i get forgotten about often. its starting to make me feel sort of rejected, although i know it is not intentional. then again, i am over emotional. so i'm ignoring the fact i've even thought such a thing. its ridiculous to think i'm wasting my time even thinking it, let alone employing it as something to dictate my emotions.

geez, i love angels of light. "kosinski" is such a beautiful song. its strange to think that michael gira of swans made a project as amazing and beautiful as this. i would eventually love to see them, if at all possible. they've never been to boise though. perhaps i will get to see them when in new york. i know they play there often (considering that is where michael gira lives). i also really love circulatory system. i am pretty sure that they are no longer though.

i think i'm going to attempt to buy a camera. i want to do amateur film stuff. specifically, i want to attempt to film small skits of ideas i've had in the last few years. i've been rather into the idea of filming nature in various times of days, different environments, different climates...and just people doing what they do. kids playing in weeping willows, couples holding hands and gazing at one another in newly fallen snow. couples shopping for groceries. who knows. things like this. just memories to have on film. things to make believe are a part of your life, even though its their lives. things to place in a book. things to hold on to.

also: i heart bunnies, lambs, ducks, sheeps, and goats. all so cute. so cute. so, so, so cute.

also: thanks to anyone that went to the abe vigoda show. it meant a lot to me. its going to be the last show for a very long while.