and you tried so hard to get there.

and you tried so hard to get there.

Okay, so it has been a long time since I have been on here.  I have been computerless for some time.  I started to think that maybe computers and I were just not meant to be.  I finally found a nice new little sexy computer that has decided to be my companion throughout this message (and for many more to come), so I might be on here a little more often now.

I am listening to Gong, which is this pretty fantastic 70's band that I highly recommend to all.  They basically made tons of fantastic music, but there is one particular song that I have always loved best (and maybe it is the favorite song among all Gong fans...not sure).  Point being, the song is called "Tried So Hard."  It is one of those songs that I think is a testament to that specific early 70's sound that a lot of the psychedelic bands were going for.
here is the song for you people that like hearing songs.

Anyways.  I guess I will get to the other point of writing. 

It has been awhile since I have been here for other reasons as well.  I've had a lot of changes in my life over the last four or so months.  I have felt a lot of things for quite awhile.  Sometimes it takes you a long time to realize that maybe you are not happy with the way things have been going in your life.  Maybe it is your surroundings, the people you encounter, the way the air around you clings to your flesh with that sticky afternoon glow.  There are moments in your life where you witness people in all forms of their being.  You can see them be completely strong and capable, weak and deteriorating, or breaking down into tears.  I have unfortunately brought all of these states out of people through my very existence.  It isn't something that I am proud of, but I suppose that is what it takes to be human. I was already starting to realize that things in my life were not the way I had ever wanted them to be.  I was in a situation where I was on a completely different path than the person I thought would be my companion, and I felt that way for years.  I guess I really only felt on his wavelength for a matter of months and then fell from that long ago.  I kept thinking that eventually I would find my way back to feeling the same way or having the same attitudes on life and things in general, but instead I found myself feeling a complete loss of what humanity could ever offer.  I kept giving, and it seemed like the world kept taking.  I started to plan dramatic ideas in my head as to how to take care of the situation.  I was either going to end it all or leave without telling anyone.  Pack my stuff, leave the country.  Not tell a soul.  I would hope that things would just work out magically by my running out of money and eventually living in rough conditions until I finally died an Oregon Trail style death simply because of poor medical facilities.  The idea of it all now seems ridiculous that these were the conclusions I came to, but I stopped caring about everything.  No one could be weaker than me, and especially the strongest of people.

Then I saw it all happen. 

It was as if out of a horrible and possibly tragic situation everything made sense.  I think it is natural to have connections to specific people in your life.  I have friends that will always just be my friends, people that I have had little girlie crushes on in the past (but would never dare do the nasty business with), and people that I just have never been able to feel comfortable around.  There happens to be one person that was always incredibly easy for me to get along with, and for me to be comfortable around.  I spent a great deal of time around him because of the fact that he was so close to my previous boyfriend, but he also is a musician that actually appreciates music on the same level that I do.  So I find myself spending more and more time with him (although we had spent time together in the past, it was never to the degree it became later).  We spent more and more time together.  We eventually started working at the same place and had lunches together.  Nothing romantic happened between us by any means, but I found myself feeling completely comfortable saying my fears and views of the world to him.  He wasn't just my coworker and someone that has played on the same stages that I have, but he became one of my best friends.  The thing that was difficult though was seeing him as being this powerful human being.  I had never seen a single moment of weakness throughout the entire time I had ever known him.  I kept remaining in my relationship that was far from being alive and growing, and continued feeling this overwhelming sense of longing for something that I didn't think I could ever achieve.  If someone is so strong and brilliant, why would they ever want to be with someone as emotional and silly as I am?  I didn't even dare think that I could ever stand a chance.  Then there was finally the moment that changed it all.  When you see someone being cared about by multiple people and watched over with concern, it brings various emotions to the forefront.  It brought out this emotion that I didn't think could ever happen to me.  It wasn't motherly necessarily, but it was the closest thing to it that I think I've ever experienced.  I couldn't imagine losing him.  I've seen people die in my lifetime, and I have known many people that are unfortunately not kicking these days.  I got over their deaths pretty well.  I thought more and more about what my boyfriend at the time said about if I died before he would.  Would he really care?  Would he feel these same feelings when I am in the same situation?  I realized how little I really meant in the general scope of it all, but most importantly, I realized how much this other person meant to me.  While he was lying in a bed, weak and looking around the room with a drugged glare, our eyes met at some point.  I felt as though he knew was I was thinking and feeling, although I know there was no way he could have been focused enough on me as I was on him.  I went out into the parking lot to smoke a cigarette, and I told my friend most of the feelings I was thinking and feeling.  It all made sense.  It had taken me years to finally find the ability to say and feel all that I had been processing, but the event put the words I had been waiting for into my mouth.

It isn't me that is the issue, it is the world itself that I was allowing myself to exist in.

So I left and went out into the world again to find myself.  In the process I found myself finding the love of the person I always felt a connection to.  It is funny how things work out the way you want them to when you least expect it.

and that is about it.

This is long and rather personal, but I know that no one really reads this blog except for myself.  I hope to look back on this no matter what the future holds for me and know that at least at this current moment I felt this great about life.  I hope that I look back at this and smile. 

Time to play around on ableton.  see ya...