you know...

...i love you. i don't tell you enough how much i appreciate you, and that is ridiculous on my part.

what i am trying to say here is that i am willing to learn how to talk about what i feel to you. i've not been great at telling you what i feel, and i admit to that. i admit to the fact that i should be telling you right then and there if i am upset instead of bottling it up inside. i've been sad about some of the silliest things. i DO need to talk to someone about it, and i know it. my biggest issue is that here i am, finally willing to admit to myself that i need to get some help, but i've hit this brick wall for months where it is hard to get myself to go in and talk to someone about everything i feel. here is some of what has been bothering me though, and i figure i should write it down.

1. despite the fact that it has been years now, i have always felt it has been my fault for a number of things outside of my control. when we argue, i feel as though i am recycling through the same dangerous and immature thoughts in my mind that made me struggle through so many various issues. then i shut down and simply can't talk. i start feeling worthless and like a complete jerk (which isn't your fault at all), but will only be perceived as such because of the nature of the moment. it is, in fact, me thinking things such as, "how do i continually not say what is on my mind, and why am i so afraid to say what i think and feel? why do i continually destroy the things that matter to me most based on this behavior?" the thing that scares me is that i feel as though it has been my fault for making my last marriage end because of poor communication. i know it wasn't just that, and either way i am happy that it ended. the thing that makes me so scared is that i'm just going to do all the same things over again that i did wrong the first time. i'm so happy about getting married, but at the same time i am so incredibly scared that i'm just going to fuck it all up again. i don't want to do that. most importantly, i know deep down that the fact i'm taking blame for any of what happened is fucking insane. yet i do. i always feel guilty for everything, and i never know why. i'm done with feeling guilty. i'm ready to get over taking myself for granted, and most importantly, taking you for granted. i'm ready to have a good time and let my guard down.

2. i'm struggling with getting older. silly, huh? i'm going to be 25 soon, and i've already been divorced. i've already made so many stupid mistakes in my life, and i'm so frightened that i'm only going to do the same thing again. everyone around me is going through divorces, and it freaks me out. i don't want that to happen to us. most importantly, i don't want to hurt you. ever. i know we will hurt each other's feelings on accident from time to time, because that is unfortunately part of being in a relationship. i do, however, want to help that not happen as much as i can.

the happiest moments have been with you. i love you so much, and i love who you are. i don't want that to change, and i don't want you to feel as though you have to change for me. ever. please don't try to change anything about you or fear saying things around me. just be yourself. i love you for who you are. my issue is to learn to stop feeling guilty for everything...and i mean everything. things that are out of my control. things that other people are going through. possibly talking about something that upsets me, and learning to deal with the fact that it might hurt someone's feelings at first. i'm always trying to make everyone happy, and i know this is completely unreasonable. i will end this with the most important thing to say, i suppose. i can live without you, because i have lived on my own for a long time. i've done a great job at taking care of myself. the thing is, i don't want to live without you. i love sharing my life with yours. i want us to be a comfortable, happy, and well communicative family unit. i'll do whatever it takes to help make this happen.