the thick and thin of it all.

yesterday was a rather stressful day (although i attempted at every will to think of it as relaxing). a friend of mine is going through a really huge change in their life, one that involves some really big changes and a lot of painful decisions. while at this moment they are really happy about not feeling dragged down by a relationship, i know what will happen next. it makes me very sad. the worst part isn't getting the wheels set in motion for divorce, but after it all. for those first few months of attempting to get used to an empty bed, someone to talk to, the small things that you never noticed that they did for you (that now you have to get accustomed to doing yourself)...it's a tough thing. it really is. while in the end i know she will be happier, (i mean, i was ecstatic about it all after i had time to digest a lot of things at once...losing my best friend, going through a divorce, attempting to regain my family back after 2 years of not talking to them, being raped, being cheated on and told that i was "making it all up" by the guy i was dating at the time, and then being dumped only a few months later by the first guy that i can truly say i loved back then after it all, despite the fact he got me wrapped up in using drugs to "further his career" in directing), but i was definitely happier. even if. i wasn't being dragged down by this jerk that continually cheated on me, used pills, never came home, but then claimed that i was "smothing him with my problems and emotions"...back to the point though: the thing i hate about helping people with problems like this is that it rehashes so many of these things i've lived. while i know you cannot ignore your past, i desperately attempt to not think about most of it. there isn't a day that goes by where i don't think about being attacked for a split second, or that i hurt so many people in the process of doing something that i was not sure was right (and by that i mean getting married to avoid charges brought against him for statutory rape, since i was 17 when our relationship started). the part that hurts the most is remembering how much pain i felt, how many times i had to go to a therapist, be pumped with various medications, and still continue a long string of suicidal attempts over a period of 11 years. i know that this person has lived many of the same kinds of things, and so in the process of helping her, i relive many of these feelings. like the time he had the woman he was cheating on me with call me to tell me he was in jail for indecent exposure, only to find it was all a really mean joke. the time he passed out in the park and left me home alone, calling the police until 10 AM, only to find out he was so drunk that he woke up to the park sprinkler systems cleaning away his haze. the time that i got pushed out of a car over not wanting to go to a sleater-kinney show. the time that he didn't even care to try to find me after his mother thought i was missing in portland. the times that i was told i was crazy, that i must have obviously been sexually abused by my parents because of the dreams i was having..and then at any attempts i had at contacting my parents by mail, having him change the address on the envelope so that it would never reach them. my parents believing that he might have killed me. my parents sending out a detective. me not being able to sleep for a month straight, highly under medication, trying to figure out how i could commit suicide without anyone figuring out what exactly happened. me being so highly medicated that i couldn't tell what was real or not anymore. i didn't want to talk to anyone. i didn't know how to talk to anyone.
while i don't like the idea of making a blog post this highly emotional and about my life, i felt like i sort of had to. sitting there and listening to her go through all of these feelings, i rehashed all of this. i had to expel it somewhere that i could come back to, feel a little twinge of pain, but know that it can be claimed as gone from my life. i probably should say this, but oh well. they are never going to read it anyways.
thank you, mom and dad. you were the only ones that actually cared to make sure that i was still doing okay. thank you darrin for being such an amazing husband (i'm calling you husband at this point...its close enough, damn it). i know that i try to forget my past, and i think i do a relatively decent job to never let it affect me. i do know though that it's been getting thrown back in my face a lot lately, and that i have been rather sad often because of it. i promise i didn't mean to. perhaps this rehashing will make it all not be such a tragic event in my current states of mind.

and point being from all of this, i am glad that she came to this decision too. even though i like her ex as well, if things are not meant to be, they are not meant to be. hopefully i have helped her out, and hopefully i will be able to have some time to not think about such feelings. it's weird how someone else's emotions bring up all the weirdest memories from your own existence.