various rhythms and patterns of the 21st century.

when i was a child, the sound of vacuum cleaners scared me.
now, i sort of love that wooshing sound.

i wonder if sterling is okay. i can't help but assume he can live in any bizarre situation. either way, i'm still concerned.

Diego just sent me this:
Adam Corolla

have you ever worried about being worried?
being stressed about being stressed?

i've had that often, and i have pondered why that is...
and while i want to solve this issue, its something that i find rather fascinating.
as i decided from the first day of this year, my goal is to learn to stop worrying so much and love the bomb (a.k.a. stop loving everyone before myself, demand that i get treated the same in return as i treat everyone else). i also said that i'd stop saying sorry for everything (this hasn't been working too well yet...although i am aware of it, at least). i've decided to give myself that check up that i probably should have done months ago.
as of now, not much progress.
on the topic of giving too much advice, there is some progress.
on the topic of saying sorry too much, i still definitely say sorry too much.
on the topic of getting back as much as i give, i'm still pretty stupid about this...in every sense of the word. i know this will eventually take me down if i don't stop doing this. it makes it so people don't have to respect me. they have a learned behavior around me, and will become angry when i don't give that one particular time...say when i don't have money, time, or enough emotional stability to take on their issues.
on the topic of feeling as though people should listen to what i have to say...well, its half half. i get more vocal about, "hey, don't interrupt me" or "hey, this really isn't cool" sort of statements. i still, however, have let many things slide that i shouldn't have. i should be honest about who i am, and i shouldn't have to feel as though saying what i feel will set me back.
on the topic of feeling comfortable in public, say as to how people perceive me, this has actually been getting worse. i have no idea why, but i've not felt comfortable in my skin with communicating and my outer perception as of late. i think a lot of it still unfortunately deals with being broken up with, despite the fact that its over and that i'm happy about the ending of it. its the fact that it took my ego down a few notches and has to be built up again. i hate that. well, its the fact that it happened to me twice in a row, i guess. being broken up with is really emotional. breaking up with someone definitely sucks too. i guess its that feeling of being rejected and wondering what is wrong about yourself (although it never has anything to deal with that, but how people are compatible to one another). i've been trying to figure out how to get myself back into being happy about who i am, but i think i've just had so many other things to focus on that i have yet to really gain any of my self respect back. i've felt like i've lost any form of ego entirely, which is mentally crippling. i have not known where to start to feel comfortable in my skin again. i've been taking every little thing rather personally lately, and as i am taking it in that context, i acknowledge the fact that it's ridiculous...yet i can't get over it the way i wish i could. i guess i just need some sort of reassurance. i need some sort of ego boost. maybe a day where i hang out with a lot of friends that give me that loved feeling, or perhaps i just need to take a trip somewhere. you can't just keep following the same patterns because its comfortable. you can't keep allowing yourself to be a victim.

and on this personal note, despite the fact that i feel weird about being so obviously emotional and direct in this post, i call this my "words of knowledge" for myself for today...or perhaps words to live by and remember, at that.

let i also mention that i came to these conclusions for good reason. i don't want to screw up the things that matter to me in my life. i don't want to push away the people i love.

and on at least one good note, one more link from diego:
Brick Testament