sometimes i wake up and feel as though i'm still dreaming.
that film like gaze of half light to half day, attempting to peer through my cracked open lids.
today i woke up like that, feeling like the morning had not officially made its way into my room.
i thought a lot about many things. i think a lot about many things.
i have been very lucky lately. i've been attempting to meet new faces, new friends...to eventually be wrapped around great spirits (and no, not liquor) and mindsets. i love this conversation.
jeremy: Thanks for the phone call!
you are the sweetest.
me: awww i do my bestest
jeremy: I listened to it after a rough, but ultimately rewarding day with a grumpy venec.
me: you should tie him up in the backyard
hahahh
that doesn't sound fun. rough weekend?
jeremy: No, just yesterday.
As if he were trying to challenge me.
me: he was challenging the fact you have a day dedicated to your fathering him
you should make up your own day called happy grumpy child day
jeremy: right. To see if I actually deserve it.
Haha! I'll tell him when he's done waking up!
me: yes! that is a good idea!
i'm sure he'll appreciate it
jeremy: Thanks! Have a great day holly!
Happy grumpy child day!
me: you too!
yes! happy grumpy child day!
this really had nothing to do with what i previously was speaking of, but i liked it none the less. what really was the point of this whole thing...
i've felt pretty happy lately. my dreams have been rather weird. some of them delve into random things that happened to me as a child. some of them are incredibly personal and emotional. others are absolutely pointless.
the others are dreams that i have had before and am rehaving, meaning it must mean something. it involves me playing with this child in the sand on the beach and seeming very happy. i'm rather sure the child is the version of myself as a kid, and the adult is the idea of myself as now. we are collaborating in working on something together. part of me sees this as the fact that the older i get, the more adapted i am to viewing things as i would when i was around 9 years old. this isn't necessarily a great thing or a bad thing, i guess its well...just a thing.
or maybe its the fact that i actually want things now that i only really wanted as a child. things that are very much an adult mindset that i rid myself of years ago because i simply didn't think that i could ever achieve them.
maybe its the fact that i'm getting shorter, older, and even more in love with children's tv shows from my era then i actually felt during that era. or maybe not, since i watched jem and thought it was terrible. i sure loved it then. i guess i will say the version of what i am feeling that is slightly guarded, since it might say too much for this format.
i've been thinking about the fact that someday i'll actually have to change the name on my drivers license,
and my passport,
and possibly start thinking of the fact that when i get home, there will be someone else there. not the cat. not the roommates. someone else.
we would ask each other how our days went.
we'd put on a record, go out to the back, and sit on the patio.
we'd most likely start talking about something random, but completely fun and interesting.
we'd stare at each other, smiling. no one says a word, but we interpret what the other person means.
we would go to bed with my head resting half on your shoulder, half on your chest. you'd put your arm over my shoulder and arm, and you would make that happy "aaahhhh..."
and i would smile, knowing that we each were feeling the same thing.
this would be a constant reminder that people can actually find someone to share their life with and be happy about it. no regrets, no feelings of being stuck in something that will never go anywhere.
feeling as though you can say anything, and you won't be judged by it. you will be okay.
you won't be considered a stereotype by things you have done or things you will end up doing. you remain that person that is loved unconditionally.
here i've been trying to keep my emotions guarded, and to never consider being in anything serious again. i've been hurt so many times that i guess i had decided something was wrong with me. i don't get asked out on dates, and i commonly am somewhat of a recluse (despite the fact that people think i'm loud and jolly). here i've been struggling for weeks to figure out if i could actually trust myself with really letting go. since the divorce, i've been afraid of saying anything that i really think or feel. i've been afraid to talk about certain subjects and to even imagine a future with anyone. its also the fact that most of my relationships have been absolutely dysfunctional and crippling to the idea of ever imagining anything other than being used, or some product for some cruel emotional game that the other person is playing with your emotions (without you realizing it until later, of course). last night, as my head hit the pillow, it all came to me.
have i really ever been this honest?
have i ever been able to actually call a boyfriend without feeling guilty about it?
the last relationships i have been in, i literally would count hours inbetween calls to assure that i didn't come off as being too "needy" or "taking away from their personal time."
and here i am, calling whenever, thinking absolutely nothing about it. i've never done this. ever.
not even with friends. i always have assumed that i might come across as needing too much otherwise.
for once i am who i am. i'm calling what i think and feel. i'm calling my shots. i'm not attempting to be something that i'm not.
i'm not made to just sit back idly, twittling my thumbs and saying whatever someone wants me to say.
i'm not there to be some trophy or statement to someone's friends.
i'm not disregarding my beliefs for someone else.
i'm not stuck in some groove of having to play the part of the martyr.
we can share the same interests, we can experiment in the ideas of learning new things,
and no one feels as though they are being exploited.
thank you.
i've felt pretty happy lately. my dreams have been rather weird. some of them delve into random things that happened to me as a child. some of them are incredibly personal and emotional. others are absolutely pointless.
the others are dreams that i have had before and am rehaving, meaning it must mean something. it involves me playing with this child in the sand on the beach and seeming very happy. i'm rather sure the child is the version of myself as a kid, and the adult is the idea of myself as now. we are collaborating in working on something together. part of me sees this as the fact that the older i get, the more adapted i am to viewing things as i would when i was around 9 years old. this isn't necessarily a great thing or a bad thing, i guess its well...just a thing.
or maybe its the fact that i actually want things now that i only really wanted as a child. things that are very much an adult mindset that i rid myself of years ago because i simply didn't think that i could ever achieve them.
maybe its the fact that i'm getting shorter, older, and even more in love with children's tv shows from my era then i actually felt during that era. or maybe not, since i watched jem and thought it was terrible. i sure loved it then. i guess i will say the version of what i am feeling that is slightly guarded, since it might say too much for this format.
i've been thinking about the fact that someday i'll actually have to change the name on my drivers license,
and my passport,
and possibly start thinking of the fact that when i get home, there will be someone else there. not the cat. not the roommates. someone else.
we would ask each other how our days went.
we'd put on a record, go out to the back, and sit on the patio.
we'd most likely start talking about something random, but completely fun and interesting.
we'd stare at each other, smiling. no one says a word, but we interpret what the other person means.
we would go to bed with my head resting half on your shoulder, half on your chest. you'd put your arm over my shoulder and arm, and you would make that happy "aaahhhh..."
and i would smile, knowing that we each were feeling the same thing.
this would be a constant reminder that people can actually find someone to share their life with and be happy about it. no regrets, no feelings of being stuck in something that will never go anywhere.
feeling as though you can say anything, and you won't be judged by it. you will be okay.
you won't be considered a stereotype by things you have done or things you will end up doing. you remain that person that is loved unconditionally.
here i've been trying to keep my emotions guarded, and to never consider being in anything serious again. i've been hurt so many times that i guess i had decided something was wrong with me. i don't get asked out on dates, and i commonly am somewhat of a recluse (despite the fact that people think i'm loud and jolly). here i've been struggling for weeks to figure out if i could actually trust myself with really letting go. since the divorce, i've been afraid of saying anything that i really think or feel. i've been afraid to talk about certain subjects and to even imagine a future with anyone. its also the fact that most of my relationships have been absolutely dysfunctional and crippling to the idea of ever imagining anything other than being used, or some product for some cruel emotional game that the other person is playing with your emotions (without you realizing it until later, of course). last night, as my head hit the pillow, it all came to me.
have i really ever been this honest?
have i ever been able to actually call a boyfriend without feeling guilty about it?
the last relationships i have been in, i literally would count hours inbetween calls to assure that i didn't come off as being too "needy" or "taking away from their personal time."
and here i am, calling whenever, thinking absolutely nothing about it. i've never done this. ever.
not even with friends. i always have assumed that i might come across as needing too much otherwise.
for once i am who i am. i'm calling what i think and feel. i'm calling my shots. i'm not attempting to be something that i'm not.
i'm not made to just sit back idly, twittling my thumbs and saying whatever someone wants me to say.
i'm not there to be some trophy or statement to someone's friends.
i'm not disregarding my beliefs for someone else.
i'm not stuck in some groove of having to play the part of the martyr.
we can share the same interests, we can experiment in the ideas of learning new things,
and no one feels as though they are being exploited.
thank you.
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