after all of this is done, i think i'll be ready to give up on everything. i'll make sure to sign all of the property over, all of my money and anything of value, and stop trying after that. everyone will be better off without me.

that's all i keep thinking, anyways. i don't have any real friends anymore and i can't remember the last time one of them called me not asking about joel. i'm obviously only a caretaker. so i'll just make sure he's good and then leave so that he can find someone like tara that everyone likes better than me anyways and let them live happily ever after. i know what to expect from this moment on. nothing will make me happier than knowing that i'm gone and leaving everyone much happier than when i bothered people.

I am so unhappy these days, and I wish I could figure out why. Maybe it is taking care of someone else. I took care of my last boyfriend throughout the entire relationship, basically. In this case, it makes more sense. Here my boyfriend just got out of a major surgery to remove a portion of the rectum, colon, and large intestine. I’ve been waiting for this moment to happen for months after doing my best to help through radiation and chemotherapy. Now that it has happened, I just want my life to end. I feel like I’ve given everything I can. What else is there from this point on? Is it weird for me to want a traditional wedding now? It seems selfish for me to change my mind on the basis that the only time I have been married was a godawful event where I was married by the staff of a sandwich shop. It isn’t his fault that I have these emotions about it now. Yet all I keep thinking is “I deserve something from all of this”. Love shouldn’t have to come at a price. It seems so wrong that my mind keeps bringing up some of these emotions, and I wish I could control them from ever happening. Things like feeling uncomfortable sometimes by the amount of praise he has for his girlfriends, or the fact that he gets along so well with his ex-girlfriends and still talks to them. That they want to send him things after his surgery. Why in the hell does this bother me? They have right to do so, considering he is in pain and needs to feel support. At the same time I want to feel like maybe I am the only person. I know he tells me I am, but it is hard to feel that way sometimes when other people are always waiting on the back burner to obtain his praise so easily. I cook, clean, bring pills, fluff pillows, mow the lawn, get the mail, clean the dishes, clean the laundry, and try looking for a job all at the same time. All I want now is to get a job just so I can get away from it all once in awhile. I need a break from mixed messages regarding whether or not he wants his mom here or not, and I need some sort of sign from somewhere that I didn’t just walk into a never ending nightmare of bipolar emotional changes. I am sure most of this is my fault, and I honestly should have known better than get myself sucked into so many other family obstacles that I wasn’t ready to endure in this process. It seems like they all want me to give answers though that I don’t have answers to. I barely know how to take care of myself, let alone supply them with facts I am unaware of and take care of their son. Sometimes I wish I just would get hit by a car and this would all end so that he can inherit the house, get better, and find someone with a lot less problems than me.

I probably should be asleep.

So tired. So very, very tired.

The sound of laundry going through the dryer is making me feel a sense of calm. I guess I have a busy week and should find a way to pass out.

There is something about the way Grass Widow plays that is almost romantic and heart felt. It is reminding me that I should give a listen to some of the Raincoats again soon. I have not heard them in years, but I remember loving them a lot when I did. There are certain pairs of vocal structures that, when working together, seem to make a completely different song of their own. I have always enjoyed that property with funk and early soul music. Especially James Brown.
Then there is the styles of bands like Galaxie 500 or My Bloody Valentine that almost use the vocals to add just another layer in the fabrics of specific distortions. With the amount of delays happening, the vocals are there as just another fold. when you have delay, reverb, most likely a phaser or other effects all working their magic at once, the vocals do not necessarily have to be that obvious. They can almost be used as just another effect. Fucking christ, I love shoegaze. You would think that the closer I am to my 30's I would have found a new style of music to embrace. I think the older I get the more I enjoy the complicated and often lo-fi sounds. Then again, the radio only holds music it seems from a mass populace of anti-depressant rock with a tinge of "join the army" style guitar riffs. Thanks, but no thanks Godsmack. You really don't represent how I feel about music. Maybe the radio has changed since I last heard it, but I am honestly too afraid to check. Alright. Time to give some sleep a try. I have a possible job that I could be landing, and I better be somewhat well rested when I go to apply for it. I should still try to clean out the storage unit too and take a lot of stuff over to the thrift shops. Yikes. I think I will be finding a lot of different types of spiders that I didn't know existed until now.

this is real.

Today I wondered whether or not I should continue breathing.
Just like yesterday,
the day before that,
the day 18 years ago where I started questioning the essence of trying.

The funny thing is I already know that this will never be read by anyone but myself. I could easily disappear right now as I had thought awhile back and no one would know it. As simple as that. Disappear into nothing. Why am I afraid to just give up? It seems that once you realize you have nothing else going for you in life, you maybe can be happier than you have ever been. I’ve never done anything special or have been anything important. The concept of nihilism always seemed depressing to me in my youth, and now it makes perfect sense. To feel nothing. To be nothing. To not care, not bother trying, not trying to exist. Maybe I shouldn’t talk. Maybe I shouldn’t write, should not play another note again. Sometimes I think about digging a giant hole and laying in it until the dirt shovels itself onto me. It decides for itself my fate based on the very nature of the world.

There are happy things in my life too. It is so hard to describe this overwhelming feeling. I have not dealt with such a hard mix of things since I went through being divorced and all that went along with that. It just keeps coming in a flood, and I am not even emotionally capable anymore to know how to deal with it. I could say this is the end right now, but is it really? Do things ever really end? I feel selfish for feeling these things when I know so many people right now going through shit. Hell, I know Joel needs me to be stable now and to be ready to give some support, but I know he’d do fine without me. Everyone would be fine without me. Everyone will be fine without me. I could never go through with anything while he is going through treatment and recovery. I guess I will wait and see if a rainbow ever appears or if anyone seems to find a reason for me to continue existing.

and you tried so hard to get there.

and you tried so hard to get there.

Okay, so it has been a long time since I have been on here.  I have been computerless for some time.  I started to think that maybe computers and I were just not meant to be.  I finally found a nice new little sexy computer that has decided to be my companion throughout this message (and for many more to come), so I might be on here a little more often now.

I am listening to Gong, which is this pretty fantastic 70's band that I highly recommend to all.  They basically made tons of fantastic music, but there is one particular song that I have always loved best (and maybe it is the favorite song among all Gong fans...not sure).  Point being, the song is called "Tried So Hard."  It is one of those songs that I think is a testament to that specific early 70's sound that a lot of the psychedelic bands were going for.
here is the song for you people that like hearing songs.

Anyways.  I guess I will get to the other point of writing. 

It has been awhile since I have been here for other reasons as well.  I've had a lot of changes in my life over the last four or so months.  I have felt a lot of things for quite awhile.  Sometimes it takes you a long time to realize that maybe you are not happy with the way things have been going in your life.  Maybe it is your surroundings, the people you encounter, the way the air around you clings to your flesh with that sticky afternoon glow.  There are moments in your life where you witness people in all forms of their being.  You can see them be completely strong and capable, weak and deteriorating, or breaking down into tears.  I have unfortunately brought all of these states out of people through my very existence.  It isn't something that I am proud of, but I suppose that is what it takes to be human. I was already starting to realize that things in my life were not the way I had ever wanted them to be.  I was in a situation where I was on a completely different path than the person I thought would be my companion, and I felt that way for years.  I guess I really only felt on his wavelength for a matter of months and then fell from that long ago.  I kept thinking that eventually I would find my way back to feeling the same way or having the same attitudes on life and things in general, but instead I found myself feeling a complete loss of what humanity could ever offer.  I kept giving, and it seemed like the world kept taking.  I started to plan dramatic ideas in my head as to how to take care of the situation.  I was either going to end it all or leave without telling anyone.  Pack my stuff, leave the country.  Not tell a soul.  I would hope that things would just work out magically by my running out of money and eventually living in rough conditions until I finally died an Oregon Trail style death simply because of poor medical facilities.  The idea of it all now seems ridiculous that these were the conclusions I came to, but I stopped caring about everything.  No one could be weaker than me, and especially the strongest of people.

Then I saw it all happen. 

It was as if out of a horrible and possibly tragic situation everything made sense.  I think it is natural to have connections to specific people in your life.  I have friends that will always just be my friends, people that I have had little girlie crushes on in the past (but would never dare do the nasty business with), and people that I just have never been able to feel comfortable around.  There happens to be one person that was always incredibly easy for me to get along with, and for me to be comfortable around.  I spent a great deal of time around him because of the fact that he was so close to my previous boyfriend, but he also is a musician that actually appreciates music on the same level that I do.  So I find myself spending more and more time with him (although we had spent time together in the past, it was never to the degree it became later).  We spent more and more time together.  We eventually started working at the same place and had lunches together.  Nothing romantic happened between us by any means, but I found myself feeling completely comfortable saying my fears and views of the world to him.  He wasn't just my coworker and someone that has played on the same stages that I have, but he became one of my best friends.  The thing that was difficult though was seeing him as being this powerful human being.  I had never seen a single moment of weakness throughout the entire time I had ever known him.  I kept remaining in my relationship that was far from being alive and growing, and continued feeling this overwhelming sense of longing for something that I didn't think I could ever achieve.  If someone is so strong and brilliant, why would they ever want to be with someone as emotional and silly as I am?  I didn't even dare think that I could ever stand a chance.  Then there was finally the moment that changed it all.  When you see someone being cared about by multiple people and watched over with concern, it brings various emotions to the forefront.  It brought out this emotion that I didn't think could ever happen to me.  It wasn't motherly necessarily, but it was the closest thing to it that I think I've ever experienced.  I couldn't imagine losing him.  I've seen people die in my lifetime, and I have known many people that are unfortunately not kicking these days.  I got over their deaths pretty well.  I thought more and more about what my boyfriend at the time said about if I died before he would.  Would he really care?  Would he feel these same feelings when I am in the same situation?  I realized how little I really meant in the general scope of it all, but most importantly, I realized how much this other person meant to me.  While he was lying in a bed, weak and looking around the room with a drugged glare, our eyes met at some point.  I felt as though he knew was I was thinking and feeling, although I know there was no way he could have been focused enough on me as I was on him.  I went out into the parking lot to smoke a cigarette, and I told my friend most of the feelings I was thinking and feeling.  It all made sense.  It had taken me years to finally find the ability to say and feel all that I had been processing, but the event put the words I had been waiting for into my mouth.

It isn't me that is the issue, it is the world itself that I was allowing myself to exist in.

So I left and went out into the world again to find myself.  In the process I found myself finding the love of the person I always felt a connection to.  It is funny how things work out the way you want them to when you least expect it.

and that is about it.

This is long and rather personal, but I know that no one really reads this blog except for myself.  I hope to look back on this no matter what the future holds for me and know that at least at this current moment I felt this great about life.  I hope that I look back at this and smile. 

Time to play around on ableton.  see ya...

i wish i could say things without mak...

i wish i could say things without making people mad.

i  wish i could live a normal life without causing others pain.  that is all i seem to do anymore, and i am not even trying to do such a thing.

i must be a pretty terrible person.  i always thought i was pretty nice and caring, but i think i've given myself a false hope or a false security, that is.

i think maybe i should give up and just move far away so that i can only screw up myself and not hurt anyone else anymore.

Prince

Okay, I fully admit to it. I absolutely love listening to Prince. Especially Prince and the Revolution. Is there anything better than really well done funk? They used synths in a fashion that really was an actual revolution. That is why I am happy to report that I am listening to The Hits albums. I know, I know...just the hits? I've got Prince albums outside of this, but I just got this double disc and am very pleased to give my report on it.

Can I just start of by saying how old this makes me feel? These were songs that I LOVED as a child, but I had to hide from my parents. There were various artists and movies that my mom didn't want my sister or I to see. I didn't see the movie "Dirty Dancing" until I was a teenager because my mom forbid us from seeing it. Of course I thought the movie was ridiculous and had no idea why my mom wouldn't let us see it. I told her what I thought of the movie later on and she said, "well, maybe I prevented you from seeing it because I knew it was going to be stupid." Guns and Roses? Oh, no way. The vocals were too annoying. David Bowie? No. He is supposedly evil. Prince? Fuck no! Too dirty. Too evil. He got the double package there.

To not have to secretly listen to Prince and actually enjoy it as an adult still brings this sense of doing something in secret. It is seductive. It makes you feel like you have your own dirty little secret. I can actually appreciate certain things about this album that I did not understand as a child (because keep in mind I was just a little tyke when the radio was playing "diamonds and pearls.") Outside of the assless pants that I can recall seeing him wear on stage during an MTV awards show (and keep in mind my mom never lets that one drop when I talk about liking Prince), his range in vocals and sensational Revolution's synth stylings are exhilarating.