So it is a birthday post! birthday! Birthday! BIRTHDAY!!!
not much to talk about there, but it is the truth!
The neighbors behind us seem really nice from what I can tell, but they go out to their shed more than I ever could have imagined anyone to do. Now, I know I shouldn't care. I have never really noticed anything my neighbors do. I will laugh at certain things with neighbors (like the neighbor I had in Caldwell that had this annoying peacock in their yard), the ones with guns, the ones that smoke insane amounts of weed and cough/laugh for hours in their yard. All these cases I have noticed, but never really cared about. It doesn't affect me. This really doesn't either, but it has struck my curiosity on a level that I have to report. The neighbors have a shed that is right behind our house. A regular evening involves Joel and I sitting on the couch and talking. The back door faces the couch so that we can watch the backyard and see birds and squirrels...you know, boring old people style entertainment. The neighbors have now become more fascinating to us than the animals. They go out to the shed at least 15-20 times within an evening. This always involves them getting something small. Usually a toolbox or a ladder. They ALWAYS lock the door to the shed after wards, which mostly confuses me as it seems like a waste of time when you live in the middle of nowhere and are constantly going out to your shed. The thing that gets me is that when it gets dark, they don't stop going out to the shed. Instead they wear these mining style hats (the ones with the light attached to it) and go out to their shed. They turn on all the lights in the backyard still, but also wear these hats. What gets me the most is 1) couldn't they create some kind of closet or SOMETHING to hold all the items they go out to the shed for the most? 2) what could possibly be so essential that you are going out with a hardhat and a light in the middle of the night to get? also, again, why not put that in the house? 3) if you are going out to the shed in about 5 minutes, why bother locking up the shed again? 4) why is your shed bigger than your house? couldn't you have just expanded the house and shed together so that you don't even have to go through this much effort? I am so fascinated by this. It is the biggest shed I have ever seen. I wonder if they are mechanics. Well, except they don't have a car. Maybe they have a dinosaur collection and are SECRET SCIENTISTS that have lots of bizarre new prehistoric figures to add to museums! OR! Maybe they are zookeepers keeping zoo animals in the shed as a way of eventually supplying extra retirement cash for an easy money making scheme!!! Gotta love those neighbors!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I just got a message from an ex. An ex that I loved a lot.
One that I suspected to have just disappeared.
He wants work advice. I want to help him in a way because he had been a heroin addict and has cleaned up his life. The weird thing is he chose the exact career that I am in. It is weird to think that he now is choosing to do the same things that I am doing. I don't really know what to feel about it. I hate that it is bringing up a lot of strange emotions too. It isn't a thing like I would give up everything I have now. I am happier than ever. I am with a man that loves me unconditionally back and wouldn't hurt me like Brendan did. Yet this note is making me feel a lot of sentimental feelings...and a lot of heartache. Perhaps this is a good time to write a song. Maybe it is time that we could be friends. I don't know though. There is so many weird feelings about that time for me. He really let me down. A lot. I cannot decide whether to help guide him or not. I hate saying it, but I don't know if I will ever get over him. There was this sort of chemistry that we had. He had a way of looking at me the same way that my sweet and wonderful Joel does. He definitely would never win me back, and I don't even want that to be thought of as a possibility. Yet i cannot say that there isn't a part of me that misses when we would have good times. Did we ever have good times without being drunk or something though? Maybe it is all just a summertime blur. The summer makes everything seem magical. The desert seems made for lovers. Parks. All that shit. I think it must just be the winter messing with my mind. I love Joel far too much to even bother letting anything like that old time shit to bother me right now.
One that I suspected to have just disappeared.
He wants work advice. I want to help him in a way because he had been a heroin addict and has cleaned up his life. The weird thing is he chose the exact career that I am in. It is weird to think that he now is choosing to do the same things that I am doing. I don't really know what to feel about it. I hate that it is bringing up a lot of strange emotions too. It isn't a thing like I would give up everything I have now. I am happier than ever. I am with a man that loves me unconditionally back and wouldn't hurt me like Brendan did. Yet this note is making me feel a lot of sentimental feelings...and a lot of heartache. Perhaps this is a good time to write a song. Maybe it is time that we could be friends. I don't know though. There is so many weird feelings about that time for me. He really let me down. A lot. I cannot decide whether to help guide him or not. I hate saying it, but I don't know if I will ever get over him. There was this sort of chemistry that we had. He had a way of looking at me the same way that my sweet and wonderful Joel does. He definitely would never win me back, and I don't even want that to be thought of as a possibility. Yet i cannot say that there isn't a part of me that misses when we would have good times. Did we ever have good times without being drunk or something though? Maybe it is all just a summertime blur. The summer makes everything seem magical. The desert seems made for lovers. Parks. All that shit. I think it must just be the winter messing with my mind. I love Joel far too much to even bother letting anything like that old time shit to bother me right now.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A break has been nice so far. I have got a lot of stuff done around the house. That is a very nice thing.
I have been in a weird mood all week. A mood that constantly changes, but isn't so bad. The biggest reoccurring theme is feeling a real happiness that I've got Joel in my life. I have been feeling lucky to have him lately. I realized that I would be so much more stressed out if he wasn't here. I've been feeling good with the fact that he is done with chemotherapy and that we might be back into having some normalcy for once. I've had a big push of excitement and the fact that we've been talking about doing this Scotland trip and maybe getting hitched while we are over there. It is so thrilling to finally feel happy about the idea of being married to someone. As painful as it is to admit, any time the marriage thing has come up in a relationship throughout my life, it has sounded like a terrifying idea. What if they are just lonely and chose me because they think this is the best thing they have found so far and they just don't want to try to ever feel love? Nothing is more depressing than knowing a relationship might just be simply settling for something and not moving on to finding someone you are passionate about. I feel like I have that guy that I've always wanted and looked for. The fact he could have died scares me. I always have this fear that it will all end...that the best moments of my life will soon end and it will be another long spell of the horrible shit spell that I lived for so long. The point I am getting at is that it is really nice to feel like maybe things are going to be okay. I am so excited that we might get to do some traveling and get to do something sweet together.
I have been in a weird mood all week. A mood that constantly changes, but isn't so bad. The biggest reoccurring theme is feeling a real happiness that I've got Joel in my life. I have been feeling lucky to have him lately. I realized that I would be so much more stressed out if he wasn't here. I've been feeling good with the fact that he is done with chemotherapy and that we might be back into having some normalcy for once. I've had a big push of excitement and the fact that we've been talking about doing this Scotland trip and maybe getting hitched while we are over there. It is so thrilling to finally feel happy about the idea of being married to someone. As painful as it is to admit, any time the marriage thing has come up in a relationship throughout my life, it has sounded like a terrifying idea. What if they are just lonely and chose me because they think this is the best thing they have found so far and they just don't want to try to ever feel love? Nothing is more depressing than knowing a relationship might just be simply settling for something and not moving on to finding someone you are passionate about. I feel like I have that guy that I've always wanted and looked for. The fact he could have died scares me. I always have this fear that it will all end...that the best moments of my life will soon end and it will be another long spell of the horrible shit spell that I lived for so long. The point I am getting at is that it is really nice to feel like maybe things are going to be okay. I am so excited that we might get to do some traveling and get to do something sweet together.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Cannot sleep, which means it is probably a good time to write.
Where do I start...
Things I miss: kissing, walking, biking, sex, talking about the future without a ping of wondering whether or not things will ever be normal again.
I know none of these things can be avoided as of right now though, and I am more relieved to know that the cancer is almost gone from him (hopefully). I keep crossing my fingers that the possibility of bone cancer goes away and that we can eventually have what could be considered a normal relationship. I often wish that things started this bad right from the get go so that I didn't have memories of things being normal and fun. All I think about most of the time is how things once were, and that is the hardest part. I am so happy that he is getting better, but nothing is harder than watching the person you love become weakened by chemotherapy and to have to hang out for hours on end in a room filled with people dying of cancer. The whole thing definitely changes your perspective on life.
As of lately I have spent a large amount of time dissecting the way people communicate through social media. I've always viewed things such as facebook and twitter to be a great way to share a funny video or to say something random and get a conversation going. On average it is more of my way of trying to say something comical that I am thinking at that given moment. I've become rather fascinated by how many people seem to continually make statements with a form of enthusiasm that doesn't seem realistic. If you know that the person is a bitter asshole, then you know that each time they end a statement with a form of enthusiasm (such as "hooray"), that it is to play the actor and to give a false sense of who they are. I've found that I begin reading the messages that people write and watch how they interact in public (text versus oral and nonverbal communication). On average I have found most people to not sway between the forms of communication. I believe that most people are fairly nervous around people they don't know and will show the signs of that, or that they will change the tones of their voice depending on the familiarity of the person they are speaking to. The thing I have become more infatuated by is how people will change the very fibers of who they are depending on the situation. All of this is based on an ex of mine that I have seen. His very communication is false to who I know him to be. I'll be honest since this is a place where I know he will never venture anyways....he is a pompous, arrogant, selfish, egotistical and narcissistic human being. He can be nice at times, but on average he is rude(the type that would treat you with contempt on your birthday and get drunk to the point where you have to drive him home instead). This is okay...you are who you are, and all you can do is be self aware and try to make changes about how you treat others to fix these kinds of issues. Instead I find that he writes messages that show fake enthusiasm and a general sense of "I'm a professional businessman" dialogs as to toot his own horn and to end each statement with a "hooray" or some form of enthusiasm. At first this threw me off. I thought that maybe he still had the ego, but learned to be happy through all of that muddle (because as I am sure you all know, behind an angry and bitter asshole usually lies a depressed human being). One day my sweetie and I were drinking coffee and I spotted my ex walking across the street. He had completely changed his dress style. He had cut his hair differently, dyed it, changed his clothes and shoes, different glasses...you name it. Knowing the fact that he went out of his way on average to keep his hair cut short and always dress as a professional because "you never know when the opportunity will come up", this got us confused. Then my thoughts went to the fact that he is dating someone new and that maybe she has had an influence on him to try different things, which can also be a really good thing. We ran into him at a show and the first thing he says to my boyfriend was "how's your ass?" in the coldest tone he could choose. People turned in dismay at the rudeness of the statement (considering that it is rather rude to insult someone for having stage three colorectal cancer). What can I conclude otherwise? His personality didn't change, but instead he changed everything else about himself he could think of to seem different. Since the whole cancer thing started, I have found a lot of people are kind and want to help when you are going through tough times. When I find a person like my ex in the mix, it throws me off. How can someone be so heartless? Then how can they use social media to seem as though they are a nice person that cares about others? Do these kinds of people believe that they can fool society in 140 characters? Maybe social media has been created so we can become anything we want to be. Maybe it goes beyond an effective way of communicating an idea (like where to meet for an event). All of this makes me feel like the internet is just a stage for anyone to mold themselves into whatever image they've wanted to become.
After a rant like that, maybe I have finally cleared my head for sleeping. These thoughts at least help me know that the people I have met that are real, sweet, and wonderful people mean more to me than I could even begin to imagine.
Where do I start...
Things I miss: kissing, walking, biking, sex, talking about the future without a ping of wondering whether or not things will ever be normal again.
I know none of these things can be avoided as of right now though, and I am more relieved to know that the cancer is almost gone from him (hopefully). I keep crossing my fingers that the possibility of bone cancer goes away and that we can eventually have what could be considered a normal relationship. I often wish that things started this bad right from the get go so that I didn't have memories of things being normal and fun. All I think about most of the time is how things once were, and that is the hardest part. I am so happy that he is getting better, but nothing is harder than watching the person you love become weakened by chemotherapy and to have to hang out for hours on end in a room filled with people dying of cancer. The whole thing definitely changes your perspective on life.
As of lately I have spent a large amount of time dissecting the way people communicate through social media. I've always viewed things such as facebook and twitter to be a great way to share a funny video or to say something random and get a conversation going. On average it is more of my way of trying to say something comical that I am thinking at that given moment. I've become rather fascinated by how many people seem to continually make statements with a form of enthusiasm that doesn't seem realistic. If you know that the person is a bitter asshole, then you know that each time they end a statement with a form of enthusiasm (such as "hooray"), that it is to play the actor and to give a false sense of who they are. I've found that I begin reading the messages that people write and watch how they interact in public (text versus oral and nonverbal communication). On average I have found most people to not sway between the forms of communication. I believe that most people are fairly nervous around people they don't know and will show the signs of that, or that they will change the tones of their voice depending on the familiarity of the person they are speaking to. The thing I have become more infatuated by is how people will change the very fibers of who they are depending on the situation. All of this is based on an ex of mine that I have seen. His very communication is false to who I know him to be. I'll be honest since this is a place where I know he will never venture anyways....he is a pompous, arrogant, selfish, egotistical and narcissistic human being. He can be nice at times, but on average he is rude(the type that would treat you with contempt on your birthday and get drunk to the point where you have to drive him home instead). This is okay...you are who you are, and all you can do is be self aware and try to make changes about how you treat others to fix these kinds of issues. Instead I find that he writes messages that show fake enthusiasm and a general sense of "I'm a professional businessman" dialogs as to toot his own horn and to end each statement with a "hooray" or some form of enthusiasm. At first this threw me off. I thought that maybe he still had the ego, but learned to be happy through all of that muddle (because as I am sure you all know, behind an angry and bitter asshole usually lies a depressed human being). One day my sweetie and I were drinking coffee and I spotted my ex walking across the street. He had completely changed his dress style. He had cut his hair differently, dyed it, changed his clothes and shoes, different glasses...you name it. Knowing the fact that he went out of his way on average to keep his hair cut short and always dress as a professional because "you never know when the opportunity will come up", this got us confused. Then my thoughts went to the fact that he is dating someone new and that maybe she has had an influence on him to try different things, which can also be a really good thing. We ran into him at a show and the first thing he says to my boyfriend was "how's your ass?" in the coldest tone he could choose. People turned in dismay at the rudeness of the statement (considering that it is rather rude to insult someone for having stage three colorectal cancer). What can I conclude otherwise? His personality didn't change, but instead he changed everything else about himself he could think of to seem different. Since the whole cancer thing started, I have found a lot of people are kind and want to help when you are going through tough times. When I find a person like my ex in the mix, it throws me off. How can someone be so heartless? Then how can they use social media to seem as though they are a nice person that cares about others? Do these kinds of people believe that they can fool society in 140 characters? Maybe social media has been created so we can become anything we want to be. Maybe it goes beyond an effective way of communicating an idea (like where to meet for an event). All of this makes me feel like the internet is just a stage for anyone to mold themselves into whatever image they've wanted to become.
After a rant like that, maybe I have finally cleared my head for sleeping. These thoughts at least help me know that the people I have met that are real, sweet, and wonderful people mean more to me than I could even begin to imagine.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I've been having a lot more time lately to sit back and relax. My brain feels a lot less crazy, which is good. I've focused most of my time doing a lot of things that I keep thinking of making random side careers out of. It is sort of like my joke idea that I randomly come to at times to have some sort of weird secret circus career as a juggler. Sometimes I also think it would be a great idea to take on a job as a bum that gives motivational speeches to high schools about random subjects, like "I used to spend too much money on (random pop stars) cds, and I am pretty sure that is why I ended up becoming a bum that gives motivational speeches"...or something.
The one thing as of late that I've found as a way to keep my brain busy and hopefully makes some cash is to create lots of things through crocheting and looming. I'm not that amazing at it, but at least it helps keep me from getting down (and not in the funky way).
anyways. more writing later.
The one thing as of late that I've found as a way to keep my brain busy and hopefully makes some cash is to create lots of things through crocheting and looming. I'm not that amazing at it, but at least it helps keep me from getting down (and not in the funky way).
anyways. more writing later.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
after all of this is done, i think i'll be ready to give up on everything. i'll make sure to sign all of the property over, all of my money and anything of value, and stop trying after that. everyone will be better off without me.
that's all i keep thinking, anyways. i don't have any real friends anymore and i can't remember the last time one of them called me not asking about joel. i'm obviously only a caretaker. so i'll just make sure he's good and then leave so that he can find someone like tara that everyone likes better than me anyways and let them live happily ever after. i know what to expect from this moment on. nothing will make me happier than knowing that i'm gone and leaving everyone much happier than when i bothered people.
that's all i keep thinking, anyways. i don't have any real friends anymore and i can't remember the last time one of them called me not asking about joel. i'm obviously only a caretaker. so i'll just make sure he's good and then leave so that he can find someone like tara that everyone likes better than me anyways and let them live happily ever after. i know what to expect from this moment on. nothing will make me happier than knowing that i'm gone and leaving everyone much happier than when i bothered people.
Friday, September 10, 2010
I am so unhappy these days, and I wish I could figure out why. Maybe it is taking care of someone else. I took care of my last boyfriend throughout the entire relationship, basically. In this case, it makes more sense. Here my boyfriend just got out of a major surgery to remove a portion of the rectum, colon, and large intestine. I’ve been waiting for this moment to happen for months after doing my best to help through radiation and chemotherapy. Now that it has happened, I just want my life to end. I feel like I’ve given everything I can. What else is there from this point on? Is it weird for me to want a traditional wedding now? It seems selfish for me to change my mind on the basis that the only time I have been married was a godawful event where I was married by the staff of a sandwich shop. It isn’t his fault that I have these emotions about it now. Yet all I keep thinking is “I deserve something from all of this”. Love shouldn’t have to come at a price. It seems so wrong that my mind keeps bringing up some of these emotions, and I wish I could control them from ever happening. Things like feeling uncomfortable sometimes by the amount of praise he has for his girlfriends, or the fact that he gets along so well with his ex-girlfriends and still talks to them. That they want to send him things after his surgery. Why in the hell does this bother me? They have right to do so, considering he is in pain and needs to feel support. At the same time I want to feel like maybe I am the only person. I know he tells me I am, but it is hard to feel that way sometimes when other people are always waiting on the back burner to obtain his praise so easily. I cook, clean, bring pills, fluff pillows, mow the lawn, get the mail, clean the dishes, clean the laundry, and try looking for a job all at the same time. All I want now is to get a job just so I can get away from it all once in awhile. I need a break from mixed messages regarding whether or not he wants his mom here or not, and I need some sort of sign from somewhere that I didn’t just walk into a never ending nightmare of bipolar emotional changes. I am sure most of this is my fault, and I honestly should have known better than get myself sucked into so many other family obstacles that I wasn’t ready to endure in this process. It seems like they all want me to give answers though that I don’t have answers to. I barely know how to take care of myself, let alone supply them with facts I am unaware of and take care of their son. Sometimes I wish I just would get hit by a car and this would all end so that he can inherit the house, get better, and find someone with a lot less problems than me.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I probably should be asleep.
So tired. So very, very tired.
The sound of laundry going through the dryer is making me feel a sense of calm. I guess I have a busy week and should find a way to pass out.
There is something about the way Grass Widow plays that is almost romantic and heart felt. It is reminding me that I should give a listen to some of the Raincoats again soon. I have not heard them in years, but I remember loving them a lot when I did. There are certain pairs of vocal structures that, when working together, seem to make a completely different song of their own. I have always enjoyed that property with funk and early soul music. Especially James Brown.
Then there is the styles of bands like Galaxie 500 or My Bloody Valentine that almost use the vocals to add just another layer in the fabrics of specific distortions. With the amount of delays happening, the vocals are there as just another fold. when you have delay, reverb, most likely a phaser or other effects all working their magic at once, the vocals do not necessarily have to be that obvious. They can almost be used as just another effect. Fucking christ, I love shoegaze. You would think that the closer I am to my 30's I would have found a new style of music to embrace. I think the older I get the more I enjoy the complicated and often lo-fi sounds. Then again, the radio only holds music it seems from a mass populace of anti-depressant rock with a tinge of "join the army" style guitar riffs. Thanks, but no thanks Godsmack. You really don't represent how I feel about music. Maybe the radio has changed since I last heard it, but I am honestly too afraid to check. Alright. Time to give some sleep a try. I have a possible job that I could be landing, and I better be somewhat well rested when I go to apply for it. I should still try to clean out the storage unit too and take a lot of stuff over to the thrift shops. Yikes. I think I will be finding a lot of different types of spiders that I didn't know existed until now.
The sound of laundry going through the dryer is making me feel a sense of calm. I guess I have a busy week and should find a way to pass out.
There is something about the way Grass Widow plays that is almost romantic and heart felt. It is reminding me that I should give a listen to some of the Raincoats again soon. I have not heard them in years, but I remember loving them a lot when I did. There are certain pairs of vocal structures that, when working together, seem to make a completely different song of their own. I have always enjoyed that property with funk and early soul music. Especially James Brown.
Then there is the styles of bands like Galaxie 500 or My Bloody Valentine that almost use the vocals to add just another layer in the fabrics of specific distortions. With the amount of delays happening, the vocals are there as just another fold. when you have delay, reverb, most likely a phaser or other effects all working their magic at once, the vocals do not necessarily have to be that obvious. They can almost be used as just another effect. Fucking christ, I love shoegaze. You would think that the closer I am to my 30's I would have found a new style of music to embrace. I think the older I get the more I enjoy the complicated and often lo-fi sounds. Then again, the radio only holds music it seems from a mass populace of anti-depressant rock with a tinge of "join the army" style guitar riffs. Thanks, but no thanks Godsmack. You really don't represent how I feel about music. Maybe the radio has changed since I last heard it, but I am honestly too afraid to check. Alright. Time to give some sleep a try. I have a possible job that I could be landing, and I better be somewhat well rested when I go to apply for it. I should still try to clean out the storage unit too and take a lot of stuff over to the thrift shops. Yikes. I think I will be finding a lot of different types of spiders that I didn't know existed until now.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
this is real.
Today I wondered whether or not I should continue breathing.
Just like yesterday,
the day before that,
the day 18 years ago where I started questioning the essence of trying.
The funny thing is I already know that this will never be read by anyone but myself. I could easily disappear right now as I had thought awhile back and no one would know it. As simple as that. Disappear into nothing. Why am I afraid to just give up? It seems that once you realize you have nothing else going for you in life, you maybe can be happier than you have ever been. I’ve never done anything special or have been anything important. The concept of nihilism always seemed depressing to me in my youth, and now it makes perfect sense. To feel nothing. To be nothing. To not care, not bother trying, not trying to exist. Maybe I shouldn’t talk. Maybe I shouldn’t write, should not play another note again. Sometimes I think about digging a giant hole and laying in it until the dirt shovels itself onto me. It decides for itself my fate based on the very nature of the world.
There are happy things in my life too. It is so hard to describe this overwhelming feeling. I have not dealt with such a hard mix of things since I went through being divorced and all that went along with that. It just keeps coming in a flood, and I am not even emotionally capable anymore to know how to deal with it. I could say this is the end right now, but is it really? Do things ever really end? I feel selfish for feeling these things when I know so many people right now going through shit. Hell, I know Joel needs me to be stable now and to be ready to give some support, but I know he’d do fine without me. Everyone would be fine without me. Everyone will be fine without me. I could never go through with anything while he is going through treatment and recovery. I guess I will wait and see if a rainbow ever appears or if anyone seems to find a reason for me to continue existing.
Just like yesterday,
the day before that,
the day 18 years ago where I started questioning the essence of trying.
The funny thing is I already know that this will never be read by anyone but myself. I could easily disappear right now as I had thought awhile back and no one would know it. As simple as that. Disappear into nothing. Why am I afraid to just give up? It seems that once you realize you have nothing else going for you in life, you maybe can be happier than you have ever been. I’ve never done anything special or have been anything important. The concept of nihilism always seemed depressing to me in my youth, and now it makes perfect sense. To feel nothing. To be nothing. To not care, not bother trying, not trying to exist. Maybe I shouldn’t talk. Maybe I shouldn’t write, should not play another note again. Sometimes I think about digging a giant hole and laying in it until the dirt shovels itself onto me. It decides for itself my fate based on the very nature of the world.
There are happy things in my life too. It is so hard to describe this overwhelming feeling. I have not dealt with such a hard mix of things since I went through being divorced and all that went along with that. It just keeps coming in a flood, and I am not even emotionally capable anymore to know how to deal with it. I could say this is the end right now, but is it really? Do things ever really end? I feel selfish for feeling these things when I know so many people right now going through shit. Hell, I know Joel needs me to be stable now and to be ready to give some support, but I know he’d do fine without me. Everyone would be fine without me. Everyone will be fine without me. I could never go through with anything while he is going through treatment and recovery. I guess I will wait and see if a rainbow ever appears or if anyone seems to find a reason for me to continue existing.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
and you tried so hard to get there.
and you tried so hard to get there.
Okay, so it has been a long time since I have been on here. I have been computerless for some time. I started to think that maybe computers and I were just not meant to be. I finally found a nice new little sexy computer that has decided to be my companion throughout this message (and for many more to come), so I might be on here a little more often now.
I am listening to Gong, which is this pretty fantastic 70's band that I highly recommend to all. They basically made tons of fantastic music, but there is one particular song that I have always loved best (and maybe it is the favorite song among all Gong fans...not sure). Point being, the song is called "Tried So Hard." It is one of those songs that I think is a testament to that specific early 70's sound that a lot of the psychedelic bands were going for.
here is the song for you people that like hearing songs.
Anyways. I guess I will get to the other point of writing.
It has been awhile since I have been here for other reasons as well. I've had a lot of changes in my life over the last four or so months. I have felt a lot of things for quite awhile. Sometimes it takes you a long time to realize that maybe you are not happy with the way things have been going in your life. Maybe it is your surroundings, the people you encounter, the way the air around you clings to your flesh with that sticky afternoon glow. There are moments in your life where you witness people in all forms of their being. You can see them be completely strong and capable, weak and deteriorating, or breaking down into tears. I have unfortunately brought all of these states out of people through my very existence. It isn't something that I am proud of, but I suppose that is what it takes to be human. I was already starting to realize that things in my life were not the way I had ever wanted them to be. I was in a situation where I was on a completely different path than the person I thought would be my companion, and I felt that way for years. I guess I really only felt on his wavelength for a matter of months and then fell from that long ago. I kept thinking that eventually I would find my way back to feeling the same way or having the same attitudes on life and things in general, but instead I found myself feeling a complete loss of what humanity could ever offer. I kept giving, and it seemed like the world kept taking. I started to plan dramatic ideas in my head as to how to take care of the situation. I was either going to end it all or leave without telling anyone. Pack my stuff, leave the country. Not tell a soul. I would hope that things would just work out magically by my running out of money and eventually living in rough conditions until I finally died an Oregon Trail style death simply because of poor medical facilities. The idea of it all now seems ridiculous that these were the conclusions I came to, but I stopped caring about everything. No one could be weaker than me, and especially the strongest of people.
Then I saw it all happen.
It was as if out of a horrible and possibly tragic situation everything made sense. I think it is natural to have connections to specific people in your life. I have friends that will always just be my friends, people that I have had little girlie crushes on in the past (but would never dare do the nasty business with), and people that I just have never been able to feel comfortable around. There happens to be one person that was always incredibly easy for me to get along with, and for me to be comfortable around. I spent a great deal of time around him because of the fact that he was so close to my previous boyfriend, but he also is a musician that actually appreciates music on the same level that I do. So I find myself spending more and more time with him (although we had spent time together in the past, it was never to the degree it became later). We spent more and more time together. We eventually started working at the same place and had lunches together. Nothing romantic happened between us by any means, but I found myself feeling completely comfortable saying my fears and views of the world to him. He wasn't just my coworker and someone that has played on the same stages that I have, but he became one of my best friends. The thing that was difficult though was seeing him as being this powerful human being. I had never seen a single moment of weakness throughout the entire time I had ever known him. I kept remaining in my relationship that was far from being alive and growing, and continued feeling this overwhelming sense of longing for something that I didn't think I could ever achieve. If someone is so strong and brilliant, why would they ever want to be with someone as emotional and silly as I am? I didn't even dare think that I could ever stand a chance. Then there was finally the moment that changed it all. When you see someone being cared about by multiple people and watched over with concern, it brings various emotions to the forefront. It brought out this emotion that I didn't think could ever happen to me. It wasn't motherly necessarily, but it was the closest thing to it that I think I've ever experienced. I couldn't imagine losing him. I've seen people die in my lifetime, and I have known many people that are unfortunately not kicking these days. I got over their deaths pretty well. I thought more and more about what my boyfriend at the time said about if I died before he would. Would he really care? Would he feel these same feelings when I am in the same situation? I realized how little I really meant in the general scope of it all, but most importantly, I realized how much this other person meant to me. While he was lying in a bed, weak and looking around the room with a drugged glare, our eyes met at some point. I felt as though he knew was I was thinking and feeling, although I know there was no way he could have been focused enough on me as I was on him. I went out into the parking lot to smoke a cigarette, and I told my friend most of the feelings I was thinking and feeling. It all made sense. It had taken me years to finally find the ability to say and feel all that I had been processing, but the event put the words I had been waiting for into my mouth.
It isn't me that is the issue, it is the world itself that I was allowing myself to exist in.
So I left and went out into the world again to find myself. In the process I found myself finding the love of the person I always felt a connection to. It is funny how things work out the way you want them to when you least expect it.
and that is about it.
This is long and rather personal, but I know that no one really reads this blog except for myself. I hope to look back on this no matter what the future holds for me and know that at least at this current moment I felt this great about life. I hope that I look back at this and smile.
Time to play around on ableton. see ya...
Okay, so it has been a long time since I have been on here. I have been computerless for some time. I started to think that maybe computers and I were just not meant to be. I finally found a nice new little sexy computer that has decided to be my companion throughout this message (and for many more to come), so I might be on here a little more often now.
I am listening to Gong, which is this pretty fantastic 70's band that I highly recommend to all. They basically made tons of fantastic music, but there is one particular song that I have always loved best (and maybe it is the favorite song among all Gong fans...not sure). Point being, the song is called "Tried So Hard." It is one of those songs that I think is a testament to that specific early 70's sound that a lot of the psychedelic bands were going for.
here is the song for you people that like hearing songs.
Anyways. I guess I will get to the other point of writing.
It has been awhile since I have been here for other reasons as well. I've had a lot of changes in my life over the last four or so months. I have felt a lot of things for quite awhile. Sometimes it takes you a long time to realize that maybe you are not happy with the way things have been going in your life. Maybe it is your surroundings, the people you encounter, the way the air around you clings to your flesh with that sticky afternoon glow. There are moments in your life where you witness people in all forms of their being. You can see them be completely strong and capable, weak and deteriorating, or breaking down into tears. I have unfortunately brought all of these states out of people through my very existence. It isn't something that I am proud of, but I suppose that is what it takes to be human. I was already starting to realize that things in my life were not the way I had ever wanted them to be. I was in a situation where I was on a completely different path than the person I thought would be my companion, and I felt that way for years. I guess I really only felt on his wavelength for a matter of months and then fell from that long ago. I kept thinking that eventually I would find my way back to feeling the same way or having the same attitudes on life and things in general, but instead I found myself feeling a complete loss of what humanity could ever offer. I kept giving, and it seemed like the world kept taking. I started to plan dramatic ideas in my head as to how to take care of the situation. I was either going to end it all or leave without telling anyone. Pack my stuff, leave the country. Not tell a soul. I would hope that things would just work out magically by my running out of money and eventually living in rough conditions until I finally died an Oregon Trail style death simply because of poor medical facilities. The idea of it all now seems ridiculous that these were the conclusions I came to, but I stopped caring about everything. No one could be weaker than me, and especially the strongest of people.
Then I saw it all happen.
It was as if out of a horrible and possibly tragic situation everything made sense. I think it is natural to have connections to specific people in your life. I have friends that will always just be my friends, people that I have had little girlie crushes on in the past (but would never dare do the nasty business with), and people that I just have never been able to feel comfortable around. There happens to be one person that was always incredibly easy for me to get along with, and for me to be comfortable around. I spent a great deal of time around him because of the fact that he was so close to my previous boyfriend, but he also is a musician that actually appreciates music on the same level that I do. So I find myself spending more and more time with him (although we had spent time together in the past, it was never to the degree it became later). We spent more and more time together. We eventually started working at the same place and had lunches together. Nothing romantic happened between us by any means, but I found myself feeling completely comfortable saying my fears and views of the world to him. He wasn't just my coworker and someone that has played on the same stages that I have, but he became one of my best friends. The thing that was difficult though was seeing him as being this powerful human being. I had never seen a single moment of weakness throughout the entire time I had ever known him. I kept remaining in my relationship that was far from being alive and growing, and continued feeling this overwhelming sense of longing for something that I didn't think I could ever achieve. If someone is so strong and brilliant, why would they ever want to be with someone as emotional and silly as I am? I didn't even dare think that I could ever stand a chance. Then there was finally the moment that changed it all. When you see someone being cared about by multiple people and watched over with concern, it brings various emotions to the forefront. It brought out this emotion that I didn't think could ever happen to me. It wasn't motherly necessarily, but it was the closest thing to it that I think I've ever experienced. I couldn't imagine losing him. I've seen people die in my lifetime, and I have known many people that are unfortunately not kicking these days. I got over their deaths pretty well. I thought more and more about what my boyfriend at the time said about if I died before he would. Would he really care? Would he feel these same feelings when I am in the same situation? I realized how little I really meant in the general scope of it all, but most importantly, I realized how much this other person meant to me. While he was lying in a bed, weak and looking around the room with a drugged glare, our eyes met at some point. I felt as though he knew was I was thinking and feeling, although I know there was no way he could have been focused enough on me as I was on him. I went out into the parking lot to smoke a cigarette, and I told my friend most of the feelings I was thinking and feeling. It all made sense. It had taken me years to finally find the ability to say and feel all that I had been processing, but the event put the words I had been waiting for into my mouth.
It isn't me that is the issue, it is the world itself that I was allowing myself to exist in.
So I left and went out into the world again to find myself. In the process I found myself finding the love of the person I always felt a connection to. It is funny how things work out the way you want them to when you least expect it.
and that is about it.
This is long and rather personal, but I know that no one really reads this blog except for myself. I hope to look back on this no matter what the future holds for me and know that at least at this current moment I felt this great about life. I hope that I look back at this and smile.
Time to play around on ableton. see ya...
Monday, April 27, 2009
i wish i could say things without mak...
i wish i could say things without making people mad.
i wish i could live a normal life without causing others pain. that is all i seem to do anymore, and i am not even trying to do such a thing.
i must be a pretty terrible person. i always thought i was pretty nice and caring, but i think i've given myself a false hope or a false security, that is.
i think maybe i should give up and just move far away so that i can only screw up myself and not hurt anyone else anymore.
i wish i could live a normal life without causing others pain. that is all i seem to do anymore, and i am not even trying to do such a thing.
i must be a pretty terrible person. i always thought i was pretty nice and caring, but i think i've given myself a false hope or a false security, that is.
i think maybe i should give up and just move far away so that i can only screw up myself and not hurt anyone else anymore.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Prince
Okay, I fully admit to it. I absolutely love listening to Prince. Especially Prince and the Revolution. Is there anything better than really well done funk? They used synths in a fashion that really was an actual revolution. That is why I am happy to report that I am listening to The Hits albums. I know, I know...just the hits? I've got Prince albums outside of this, but I just got this double disc and am very pleased to give my report on it.
Can I just start of by saying how old this makes me feel? These were songs that I LOVED as a child, but I had to hide from my parents. There were various artists and movies that my mom didn't want my sister or I to see. I didn't see the movie "Dirty Dancing" until I was a teenager because my mom forbid us from seeing it. Of course I thought the movie was ridiculous and had no idea why my mom wouldn't let us see it. I told her what I thought of the movie later on and she said, "well, maybe I prevented you from seeing it because I knew it was going to be stupid." Guns and Roses? Oh, no way. The vocals were too annoying. David Bowie? No. He is supposedly evil. Prince? Fuck no! Too dirty. Too evil. He got the double package there.
To not have to secretly listen to Prince and actually enjoy it as an adult still brings this sense of doing something in secret. It is seductive. It makes you feel like you have your own dirty little secret. I can actually appreciate certain things about this album that I did not understand as a child (because keep in mind I was just a little tyke when the radio was playing "diamonds and pearls.") Outside of the assless pants that I can recall seeing him wear on stage during an MTV awards show (and keep in mind my mom never lets that one drop when I talk about liking Prince), his range in vocals and sensational Revolution's synth stylings are exhilarating.
Can I just start of by saying how old this makes me feel? These were songs that I LOVED as a child, but I had to hide from my parents. There were various artists and movies that my mom didn't want my sister or I to see. I didn't see the movie "Dirty Dancing" until I was a teenager because my mom forbid us from seeing it. Of course I thought the movie was ridiculous and had no idea why my mom wouldn't let us see it. I told her what I thought of the movie later on and she said, "well, maybe I prevented you from seeing it because I knew it was going to be stupid." Guns and Roses? Oh, no way. The vocals were too annoying. David Bowie? No. He is supposedly evil. Prince? Fuck no! Too dirty. Too evil. He got the double package there.
To not have to secretly listen to Prince and actually enjoy it as an adult still brings this sense of doing something in secret. It is seductive. It makes you feel like you have your own dirty little secret. I can actually appreciate certain things about this album that I did not understand as a child (because keep in mind I was just a little tyke when the radio was playing "diamonds and pearls.") Outside of the assless pants that I can recall seeing him wear on stage during an MTV awards show (and keep in mind my mom never lets that one drop when I talk about liking Prince), his range in vocals and sensational Revolution's synth stylings are exhilarating.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
dream signals in full circles.
I am listening to this album for the first time in a long while. I remember the first time I heard this album. I was 17 and had met the man that I would later marry in a situation that is best phrased by "all whirlwind, heat and flash." Before we married there was a weird sort of awakening for me. I sometimes wonder if it was doing things that were against moral codes and boundaries, or whether it was simply the idea of feeling a sense of love. He loaned me some various albums to listen to, in which this one happened to be amongst the collection. There were also others in that pack that I still feel grateful for having the exposure to. I found myself listening to this album often during the period of time later on where I lived in Moscow, Idaho. In the icy winter tundra I would find solace listening to this, as well as Dear Nora, Erase Errata, Sonic Youth, and Rachels. When we finally decided on divorcing later on, this album was one that I hoped he would allow me to have during the splitting up of the cd collection. Although I didn't get this one at the time, it didn't matter. There is something grand about listening to an album you enjoy after a long period of time. It allows the sap to collect on the notes just a bit longer and to mature into some fine fruit. I guess we all cannot give in to temptation at every chance.
On a completely different topic, I have found myself making lots of new comics at my flickr page.
Do you ever wonder about people that you shouldn't bother wasting your time on? Lately I keep finding a large amount of hippie infested music at the Record Exchange, and I am pretty certain I know who's collection it is. I don't know why, but I care about it for some weird reason. What if he lost his job? He doesn't have any family here. He doesn't know anyone well enough to borrow money from, other than me. He would never ask to borrow money from me, and I would hope he wouldn't. At the same time, I am pretty positive that in today's economy a job in painting houses is not going to be stable. I was informed by Tracy that she ran into him at Terrapin Station one day and he said he fell off a roof and broke one of his ribs. I warned him a million times over to protect himself when climbing up roofs, but he was always in too much of a hurry to get the job done quickly. Considering the amount of Grateful Dead and Neil Young, the fact that the economy is absolutely terrible for anyone working any sort of job dealing with houses, and knowing that he's too proud to ever ask help from anyone, I am pretty sure that he is struggling to not be homeless. I sort of wish I didn't delete his number so that I could call to make sure he's doing okay, but sometimes you've got to clean out your phone list, you know? ah well. maybe his mom will come save him either way.
April is still being exactly the month that it has always predicted itself to be; rainy weather and constant wind flurries. I am crossing my fingers that by the mid portion of this month that the heat will officially come in and allow some time for planting. I am ready to start planting and harvesting a garden! That's the one real country girl part of me that I've still got left. I fucking love gardening. Nothing is more satisfying than growing a bunch of your own vegetables and eating them fresh. It is so delicious and convenient!
Lots of love to you all, and have a wonderful swim.
On a completely different topic, I have found myself making lots of new comics at my flickr page.
Do you ever wonder about people that you shouldn't bother wasting your time on? Lately I keep finding a large amount of hippie infested music at the Record Exchange, and I am pretty certain I know who's collection it is. I don't know why, but I care about it for some weird reason. What if he lost his job? He doesn't have any family here. He doesn't know anyone well enough to borrow money from, other than me. He would never ask to borrow money from me, and I would hope he wouldn't. At the same time, I am pretty positive that in today's economy a job in painting houses is not going to be stable. I was informed by Tracy that she ran into him at Terrapin Station one day and he said he fell off a roof and broke one of his ribs. I warned him a million times over to protect himself when climbing up roofs, but he was always in too much of a hurry to get the job done quickly. Considering the amount of Grateful Dead and Neil Young, the fact that the economy is absolutely terrible for anyone working any sort of job dealing with houses, and knowing that he's too proud to ever ask help from anyone, I am pretty sure that he is struggling to not be homeless. I sort of wish I didn't delete his number so that I could call to make sure he's doing okay, but sometimes you've got to clean out your phone list, you know? ah well. maybe his mom will come save him either way.
April is still being exactly the month that it has always predicted itself to be; rainy weather and constant wind flurries. I am crossing my fingers that by the mid portion of this month that the heat will officially come in and allow some time for planting. I am ready to start planting and harvesting a garden! That's the one real country girl part of me that I've still got left. I fucking love gardening. Nothing is more satisfying than growing a bunch of your own vegetables and eating them fresh. It is so delicious and convenient!
Lots of love to you all, and have a wonderful swim.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
in particular
...is such a catchy song by blonde redhead. i think my all time favourite is "violent life."
do you ever wonder the "what if" questions to the extreme? i do that far too often.
do you ever wonder the "what if" questions to the extreme? i do that far too often.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
dog on the sidewalk, i saw...
curerently listening to deerhoof's "bibidi babidi boo," which is a first for me. it has a different version of "dog on the sidewalk" then the version you will hear on "milk man," and i believe for good reason. this album so far is similar in style to "reveille" and "milk man," only some of them are live and some sound a bit different from the tracks on the albums. these songs were on the album, but they are different versions...and at times it is even more spastic and less disorted. i almost would say that the version of "milking" in this album is even better then what was released on "milk man." everyone in this is talented as hell. you can hear the guitar licks dripping from the speakers, and the drummer is going fast enough that it puts a hummingbird to shame. satomi's vocals are easier to hear on this album. you can get a feel for what her voice really sounds like and what the words are. can i also mention it is live? i usually cannot stand live versions of anything, but i have heard two live tracks recently that blew me away. this version of "milking" on "bibidi babidi boo" and the version of "bad sees" from beat happening's self titled album. i should also note that i twitted about listening to deerhoof and my good friend dan in england wrote back with delight. i'm glad to hear that deerhoof are rocking the UK just as hard as they rock the US. may i also just add that perhaps my all time favourite song from deerhoof ("giga dance") is really freaking amazing on this disc?
off topic. completely off topic. today was really confusing in general. there is a huge system that i deal with regularly that transfers a large amount of data that is essential to the company that i work for. they have been switching databases so that in the future, you will be able to check in depth on the properties within that particular file. this means that not only am i a drafter, but i am also a database operator in a way. i am constantly having to transport and maintain more data than i thought could be even imaginable as a child. i mean, think up to probably a terabyte by now. i'm not even kidding. for one, part of my job is to draw points from one substation to another. these are essential points that run underneath a distribution line. for example, things such as fences, buildings of any kind, street signs, street signals, billboards, distribution poles, roads, trails, rivers, streams, lakes, cell towers and the like all have points that have to be located. these are huge files that i have to move about regularly, as well as these other files all based in microstation or microsoft products, which are also huge. today the shit hit the fan, as some would phrase it. recently they had an emergency with the changing of the databases and made an alert that anyone with particular projects had to turn in all the drawings for those projects immediately for the transfer. this meant that i had to check in something like 145 drawings within a half hour off the fly. well, i was able to do it by some sort of skill based on drinking massive amounts of caffeine and focusing all my anti-depressant medication on being totally and completely focused. since this was awhile back, i had forgot that i saved all of the drawings in a folder on my harddrive for just in case before transferring them over. i sent an email to the head honcho over there so that he would know that i needed back these drawings immediately as soon as he was done with the transfer. well, i didn't end up getting them back immediately, simply because of lack of time. i got back from vacation totally ill and had went from one huge project to another relatively busy project that required my full attention. i did not have time to be a database lady at all during that span of time. so yesterday i was asked to check back in the drawings from the system and i went through and checked them all back in. today i found out that tons of them were coming up as the drawings before the last issuance, meaning that all of our work was totally lost. so then i was asked about whether i had saved it on a work file, and i said no since we had not issued them and i have only been saving after issuance. i had totally forgotten about having all these files on my computer. we were all getting really bummed about the whole thing, since this meant that the higher ups had accidently not done a step that has to be done to update the drawings to the most current ones. while trying to show my co-worker a folder where i might have a few saved, i glanced over a folder with the project name on it. i opened it up and it all totally came back to me. i jumped up and said, "this is all the files! we are okay! i completely forgot!!" well, this still didn't solve the problem. there are still drawings coming back with issues despite it all, but that one is beyond me. i am 100% certain that the drawings i sent out are in this folder, since i remember doing it now. i did it because i know myself well enough to know that things like this could happen, and because this particular project has been sort of confusing at times. i guess the whole point of this is that everything has ended in a pretty good way from what i can tell. i was able to quickly solve at least a couple of the things that were found right off the bat. i asked the leader of the project if the files i had saved seemed correct, and he said they all were, but that there were just a few weird little quirks that were not totally figured out. i guess i'm just bummed about having to write to the big guys that run the system and telling them that they are going to have to delete out some drawings. they will want an explanation i am sure, and this is going to lead to a weird "well, you sort of didn't do this one thing and so it didn't transfer all the correct data over to the new database." sigh. i'll do fine at it. i just hate the idea that since i have taken this role that it seems at times like i'm not the best at it. i try really hard to do my best at it and i am constantly going by checklists for it. i think the problem is trying to balance out about 60 hours of work into 40 hours. at least i know that i am fast. i'm pretty efficient, but i know i could improve. i think that process will come to me once i have down a perfect method for figuring out how to balance all of the different tasks that i have to do in one day. the thing that makes it difficult is the off the fly stuff. most of my work today was work that came by me that was immediate. the moment today that was pretty nuts was writing an email listing off all the drawings that had to be released (roughly 150+ drawings), plotting two 55 page sets of a project for an engineer that wanted it that minute totally off the fly, and then trying to figure out the issue with the database malfunction. the fantastic thing is that the problem i've been having for two days now has pretty much been solved by this dude out in hailey. he's a super nice and funny guy. he had the same problem today and started messing around with the database and figured out the trick to getting the drawings checked in. he called me up and chatted about the whole thing and i gave him the scoop on some things that i have been noticing with the system this week that seemed concerning. it wouldn't let me check in for awhile one day. then when i could finally access it, i could not access any project files at all. it was absolutely perplexing.
now after that insanely long rant, back on to topic.
i also have checked out the newest release from dungen called "4." i highly recommend this album! dungen is one of those bands that i think are great in a number of ways. i know that a lot of people think they sound like the beatles, but is that necessarily a bad thing? isn't it damned impossible to not sound like the beatles in one aspect or another? i mean, i've even listened to electronic stuff that sounded like the beatles. country?: oh yeah. i've heard some beatles sounding country, motherfucker. dungen is downright sultry and smooth at times. it is the type of music you could be listening to at a hip club with a fancy woman that has betty davis eyes. it is las vegas swank, all covered in the gloss and sheen of bands like love and at times on "tio bitar" i almost felt a bit of black sabbath in it. it often reminds me of the zombies (which is great for me, since i adore the zombies). i should also add that if anyone uses a flute, i am usually quite pleased. flute is one of my all time favourite instruments. i've been planning on getting flute lessons eventually in my lifetime and might eventually try to get myself into an orchestra later in life. i've always loved the idea of joining a really great orchestra, like martin denny's style of thing. i would get to play these quick little jazzy tunes on the flute real fast, and i would add a slight bit of reverb or distortion to it at times. i would get the opportunity to make 50's style dresses and glam it up for performances. wouldn't that just be delightful? god. i'd have to have a martini glass next to me the entire time just to give it that extra bit of swank. i'd almost be tempted to leave a lipstick mark on the trombone player's collar just to add to that sort of hilarious 50's style marty gold kind of music. could you imagine the audience's reaction to that? they'd be really digging the music, but be completely focused on the lipstick on the collar (because chances are at least 75% of the audience will be blazing drunk or sloppy high). anyways....
i am going to depart now to consume some food like substances. have a wonderful evening.
off topic. completely off topic. today was really confusing in general. there is a huge system that i deal with regularly that transfers a large amount of data that is essential to the company that i work for. they have been switching databases so that in the future, you will be able to check in depth on the properties within that particular file. this means that not only am i a drafter, but i am also a database operator in a way. i am constantly having to transport and maintain more data than i thought could be even imaginable as a child. i mean, think up to probably a terabyte by now. i'm not even kidding. for one, part of my job is to draw points from one substation to another. these are essential points that run underneath a distribution line. for example, things such as fences, buildings of any kind, street signs, street signals, billboards, distribution poles, roads, trails, rivers, streams, lakes, cell towers and the like all have points that have to be located. these are huge files that i have to move about regularly, as well as these other files all based in microstation or microsoft products, which are also huge. today the shit hit the fan, as some would phrase it. recently they had an emergency with the changing of the databases and made an alert that anyone with particular projects had to turn in all the drawings for those projects immediately for the transfer. this meant that i had to check in something like 145 drawings within a half hour off the fly. well, i was able to do it by some sort of skill based on drinking massive amounts of caffeine and focusing all my anti-depressant medication on being totally and completely focused. since this was awhile back, i had forgot that i saved all of the drawings in a folder on my harddrive for just in case before transferring them over. i sent an email to the head honcho over there so that he would know that i needed back these drawings immediately as soon as he was done with the transfer. well, i didn't end up getting them back immediately, simply because of lack of time. i got back from vacation totally ill and had went from one huge project to another relatively busy project that required my full attention. i did not have time to be a database lady at all during that span of time. so yesterday i was asked to check back in the drawings from the system and i went through and checked them all back in. today i found out that tons of them were coming up as the drawings before the last issuance, meaning that all of our work was totally lost. so then i was asked about whether i had saved it on a work file, and i said no since we had not issued them and i have only been saving after issuance. i had totally forgotten about having all these files on my computer. we were all getting really bummed about the whole thing, since this meant that the higher ups had accidently not done a step that has to be done to update the drawings to the most current ones. while trying to show my co-worker a folder where i might have a few saved, i glanced over a folder with the project name on it. i opened it up and it all totally came back to me. i jumped up and said, "this is all the files! we are okay! i completely forgot!!" well, this still didn't solve the problem. there are still drawings coming back with issues despite it all, but that one is beyond me. i am 100% certain that the drawings i sent out are in this folder, since i remember doing it now. i did it because i know myself well enough to know that things like this could happen, and because this particular project has been sort of confusing at times. i guess the whole point of this is that everything has ended in a pretty good way from what i can tell. i was able to quickly solve at least a couple of the things that were found right off the bat. i asked the leader of the project if the files i had saved seemed correct, and he said they all were, but that there were just a few weird little quirks that were not totally figured out. i guess i'm just bummed about having to write to the big guys that run the system and telling them that they are going to have to delete out some drawings. they will want an explanation i am sure, and this is going to lead to a weird "well, you sort of didn't do this one thing and so it didn't transfer all the correct data over to the new database." sigh. i'll do fine at it. i just hate the idea that since i have taken this role that it seems at times like i'm not the best at it. i try really hard to do my best at it and i am constantly going by checklists for it. i think the problem is trying to balance out about 60 hours of work into 40 hours. at least i know that i am fast. i'm pretty efficient, but i know i could improve. i think that process will come to me once i have down a perfect method for figuring out how to balance all of the different tasks that i have to do in one day. the thing that makes it difficult is the off the fly stuff. most of my work today was work that came by me that was immediate. the moment today that was pretty nuts was writing an email listing off all the drawings that had to be released (roughly 150+ drawings), plotting two 55 page sets of a project for an engineer that wanted it that minute totally off the fly, and then trying to figure out the issue with the database malfunction. the fantastic thing is that the problem i've been having for two days now has pretty much been solved by this dude out in hailey. he's a super nice and funny guy. he had the same problem today and started messing around with the database and figured out the trick to getting the drawings checked in. he called me up and chatted about the whole thing and i gave him the scoop on some things that i have been noticing with the system this week that seemed concerning. it wouldn't let me check in for awhile one day. then when i could finally access it, i could not access any project files at all. it was absolutely perplexing.
now after that insanely long rant, back on to topic.
i also have checked out the newest release from dungen called "4." i highly recommend this album! dungen is one of those bands that i think are great in a number of ways. i know that a lot of people think they sound like the beatles, but is that necessarily a bad thing? isn't it damned impossible to not sound like the beatles in one aspect or another? i mean, i've even listened to electronic stuff that sounded like the beatles. country?: oh yeah. i've heard some beatles sounding country, motherfucker. dungen is downright sultry and smooth at times. it is the type of music you could be listening to at a hip club with a fancy woman that has betty davis eyes. it is las vegas swank, all covered in the gloss and sheen of bands like love and at times on "tio bitar" i almost felt a bit of black sabbath in it. it often reminds me of the zombies (which is great for me, since i adore the zombies). i should also add that if anyone uses a flute, i am usually quite pleased. flute is one of my all time favourite instruments. i've been planning on getting flute lessons eventually in my lifetime and might eventually try to get myself into an orchestra later in life. i've always loved the idea of joining a really great orchestra, like martin denny's style of thing. i would get to play these quick little jazzy tunes on the flute real fast, and i would add a slight bit of reverb or distortion to it at times. i would get the opportunity to make 50's style dresses and glam it up for performances. wouldn't that just be delightful? god. i'd have to have a martini glass next to me the entire time just to give it that extra bit of swank. i'd almost be tempted to leave a lipstick mark on the trombone player's collar just to add to that sort of hilarious 50's style marty gold kind of music. could you imagine the audience's reaction to that? they'd be really digging the music, but be completely focused on the lipstick on the collar (because chances are at least 75% of the audience will be blazing drunk or sloppy high). anyways....
i am going to depart now to consume some food like substances. have a wonderful evening.
Monday, March 9, 2009
albums i've listened to recently:
albums i've listened to recently:
slint- spiderland (for the first time in a long while)
avalanches- since i left you
digitalism - idealism
senor coconut- around the world
senor coconut y su conjunto- el baile aleman
animal collective with vashti bunyan- prospect hummer
do make say think- s/t
martin denny- hypnotique
martin denny- exotica II
gnarls barkley- st. elsewhere
junior senior- hey hey my my yo yo
guided by voices- bulldog skin ep
so far this is my opinion of each album:
slint- i am sure you were already coming to the conclusion that i was going to say the obvious. this album is a classic that influenced a gob of artists afterwards. i cannot listen to this album too often personally, despite the fact that i do feel that it is an important album of its time. moving on...
avalanches- at times this album makes me feel nostalgic of blaxploitation music coming in full throttle, like a current version of "car wash," for example. it has the classic song that i have always had a crush on called, "frontier psychiatrist." if you have not heard it yet, i definitely recommend checking it out.
senior coconut- both albums are instant classics for me. it was one of those experiences where you only had to listen to the album once and you have already considered it an all time favorite. imagine a quartet playing xylophones and having a horn section, bongos and the like playing songs like daft punk's "around the world," or kraftwerk's "robots." it is absolutely fantastic.
animal collective w/vashti bunyan- imagine a voice that is hauntingly beautiful being distored and morphed into many synthesized forms and you have a basic concept of this ep. i enjoyed it rather well, but it definitely isn't the album that i'd imagine everyone out there would enjoy right off the bat. well, not my parents at least. i'm pretty sure they'd rather be listening to fleetwood mac.
do make say think- i've already been enjoying this band for awhile now. i'm a fan of the fact that they are the type of band that can be played in just about any location and be completely appropriate. they are quiet and hypnotic, but also have some great electronic undertones that peak out here and there throughout the entire album. if you ever have to host a party and need a band that does not interrupt from holding conversation easily, but will also not put your guests to sleep, put on some do make say think.
martin denny- it is so hip and clever. absolutely sexy and sophisticated. this is the ultimate bachelor pad music. it goes from the "lets get dancing baby" style to the "baby, i know things have been tough around your place, so why don't you move into my place with me and let me get all sexy with you?" style. it is a transition that satisfies even more than a snickers can.
gnarls barkley- well, dang. i've heard the song "crazy" so many times that my mind probably has exploded from it. at the same time, it really is a pretty catchy song. the album has some great funk moments that are well appreciated. i am not as into this album and some people out there have been, but i definitely pleased to have heard it.
junior senior- you know, i just didn't really get that into it. i had the same opinion of it as i have of scissor sisters. it is sort of catchy at times until the vocals come in or they try to have an intricate break, but it seems to fall flat. there are times that i found something that definitely sounded catchy, but it isn't the album that i probably would write home about.
guided by voices- it is a decent enough ep, but not really a favorite of the guided by voices anthology. that's not saying anything too horrible about them at all though, considering they've got something to the effect of 52 different albums, at least. i think my all time favorite guided by voices album for me was "alien lanes," but i also really enjoy "bee thousand" as well.
this is my review for now. i hope everyone is doing well and having a great week. thank you to all that came out for my birthday. it was very sweet of you all to show your love, and i definitely appreciate that. i feel like a very lucky person to have such wonderful friends.
have a wonderful day.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
whoa, my finger just popped.
totally by accident. weird. i never try to pop my fingers because it freaks me the fuck out.
so this is a girly post! yay womanhood! way to rock my world!
here are clothes that i think are totally cute!!!
sexy, no?
cute!
and these earrings are so fantastic!
wallet time!
holy shit! these are amazing! i want this for when pleen and i go tandem biking!
all of this is available at modcloth.com! they have got such great taste in fashion!
have a wonderful day!
so this is a girly post! yay womanhood! way to rock my world!
here are clothes that i think are totally cute!!!
sexy, no?
cute!
and these earrings are so fantastic!
wallet time!
holy shit! these are amazing! i want this for when pleen and i go tandem biking!
all of this is available at modcloth.com! they have got such great taste in fashion!
have a wonderful day!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
dance in the moonlight, my cinnamon girl
i got home, and i sat down. i spoke with a friend that i had not spoken to in many years, which was pleasant. i got onto a social networking site and checked my messages. a friend from high school asked to be added into the "friends" category, and i was once again happy to have such an experience happen out of the blue. since i was on nostalgia lane, i put on some neil young and crazy horse. it felt great to listen to (and i fully admit that i am listening to crosby, stills, nash and young right now to really get myself into this particular writing flow), but it also made me feel a lot of other random feelings.
when i first met my ex-boyfriend of 2-3 years ago, he was a recovering heroin addict. most of my friends thought he was a nice guy, although they always wondered why we were dating exactly. he was a huge 60's revelation guy from cleveland, and i was a little farm town woman living in boise. it didn't really make a lot of sense, but either way we ended up dating off an on for a year or so. as you probably imagined by now, he fell back into using heroin not long after we started dating, and basically the relationship didn't really exist anymore. when we'd hang out, we'd go out in the middle of nowhere and listen to "down by the river" by crosby, stills, nash and young on repeat. "cinnamon girl" by neil young and crazy horse was also a constant repeating single in the repertoire, which was a nice change from the regular mix of the grateful dead or ratdog. i never cared for that kind of music, and i don't think i ever will. i know there is always the hippie stoner that claims that it is some revelation to really dig deeply into what is going on with the grateful dead, but i've listened to more grateful dead than i have ever cared to hear, and you could never get high enough to make that music a true "revelation of thought and mind." the thing that kept us together at all was "cinnamon girl".
there was one particular part in the song where someone's voice cracks. in some weird way the off toned high shriek comes out sounding fantastic in that particular part of the song. in the version that he would put in the car, it was from a live performance. at one part someone goes, "yeah" in a particular part in the song where it didn't seem to connect with any major chorus or note structure. it was sort of there just as an obvious, "i'm digging this" kind of message. little did i know that he would be on mushrooms or whatever else drug while i'd be sitting there listening to the same part about 50 times every sitting.
yet, this song still gets to me. it's catchy and sort of like something my dad would listen to. actually, i know he listens to. there are particular bands and styles of music that i imagine most people hide from others. they think that to admit to liking fleetwood mac, as an example, will mean that they must like a bunch of 40-year-olds getting it on with one another. when you put it in terms like that, it really does sound kind of awesome, and i apologize because i was going for the opposite...but the point is, for some that might be embarrassing. instead they keep this music closed away behind doors and they never admit to liking it. i remember being ashamed to tell a friend once that i adored queen, in which she said, "you know...i love queen too." it turned out that most of my friends loved queen, but they were embarrassed to admit to it. why? is it because there is an experience behind that particular band? is it because of some sort of social pro quo?
the thing i should end this with is really what is the most important. i loved my ex a great deal back then, but not nearly as much as i love the man that i am going to marry. i feel really blessed to have found a wonderful man who is also my best friend. i thought i would point this out, considering this is a more in depth post than my usual. i just felt like going off about a random musical experience.
anyways...that is it for now. ciao!
when i first met my ex-boyfriend of 2-3 years ago, he was a recovering heroin addict. most of my friends thought he was a nice guy, although they always wondered why we were dating exactly. he was a huge 60's revelation guy from cleveland, and i was a little farm town woman living in boise. it didn't really make a lot of sense, but either way we ended up dating off an on for a year or so. as you probably imagined by now, he fell back into using heroin not long after we started dating, and basically the relationship didn't really exist anymore. when we'd hang out, we'd go out in the middle of nowhere and listen to "down by the river" by crosby, stills, nash and young on repeat. "cinnamon girl" by neil young and crazy horse was also a constant repeating single in the repertoire, which was a nice change from the regular mix of the grateful dead or ratdog. i never cared for that kind of music, and i don't think i ever will. i know there is always the hippie stoner that claims that it is some revelation to really dig deeply into what is going on with the grateful dead, but i've listened to more grateful dead than i have ever cared to hear, and you could never get high enough to make that music a true "revelation of thought and mind." the thing that kept us together at all was "cinnamon girl".
there was one particular part in the song where someone's voice cracks. in some weird way the off toned high shriek comes out sounding fantastic in that particular part of the song. in the version that he would put in the car, it was from a live performance. at one part someone goes, "yeah" in a particular part in the song where it didn't seem to connect with any major chorus or note structure. it was sort of there just as an obvious, "i'm digging this" kind of message. little did i know that he would be on mushrooms or whatever else drug while i'd be sitting there listening to the same part about 50 times every sitting.
yet, this song still gets to me. it's catchy and sort of like something my dad would listen to. actually, i know he listens to. there are particular bands and styles of music that i imagine most people hide from others. they think that to admit to liking fleetwood mac, as an example, will mean that they must like a bunch of 40-year-olds getting it on with one another. when you put it in terms like that, it really does sound kind of awesome, and i apologize because i was going for the opposite...but the point is, for some that might be embarrassing. instead they keep this music closed away behind doors and they never admit to liking it. i remember being ashamed to tell a friend once that i adored queen, in which she said, "you know...i love queen too." it turned out that most of my friends loved queen, but they were embarrassed to admit to it. why? is it because there is an experience behind that particular band? is it because of some sort of social pro quo?
the thing i should end this with is really what is the most important. i loved my ex a great deal back then, but not nearly as much as i love the man that i am going to marry. i feel really blessed to have found a wonderful man who is also my best friend. i thought i would point this out, considering this is a more in depth post than my usual. i just felt like going off about a random musical experience.
anyways...that is it for now. ciao!
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