emotions are boring. turn around now.

the neighbors

2011-03-10T15:18:00.002-07:00

So it is a birthday post! birthday! Birthday! BIRTHDAY!!!
not much to talk about there, but it is the truth!

The neighbors behind us seem really nice from what I can tell, but they go out to their shed more than I ever could have imagined anyone to do. Now, I know I shouldn't care. I have never really noticed anything my neighbors do. I will laugh at certain things with neighbors (like the neighbor I had in Caldwell that had this annoying peacock in their yard), the ones with guns, the ones that smoke insane amounts of weed and cough/laugh for hours in their yard. All these cases I have noticed, but never really cared about. It doesn't affect me. This really doesn't either, but it has struck my curiosity on a level that I have to report. The neighbors have a shed that is right behind our house. A regular evening involves Joel and I sitting on the couch and talking. The back door faces the couch so that we can watch the backyard and see birds and squirrels...you know, boring old people style entertainment. The neighbors have now become more fascinating to us than the animals. They go out to the shed at least 15-20 times within an evening. This always involves them getting something small. Usually a toolbox or a ladder. They ALWAYS lock the door to the shed after wards, which mostly confuses me as it seems like a waste of time when you live in the middle of nowhere and are constantly going out to your shed. The thing that gets me is that when it gets dark, they don't stop going out to the shed. Instead they wear these mining style hats (the ones with the light attached to it) and go out to their shed. They turn on all the lights in the backyard still, but also wear these hats. What gets me the most is 1) couldn't they create some kind of closet or SOMETHING to hold all the items they go out to the shed for the most? 2) what could possibly be so essential that you are going out with a hardhat and a light in the middle of the night to get? also, again, why not put that in the house? 3) if you are going out to the shed in about 5 minutes, why bother locking up the shed again? 4) why is your shed bigger than your house? couldn't you have just expanded the house and shed together so that you don't even have to go through this much effort? I am so fascinated by this. It is the biggest shed I have ever seen. I wonder if they are mechanics. Well, except they don't have a car. Maybe they have a dinosaur collection and are SECRET SCIENTISTS that have lots of bizarre new prehistoric figures to add to museums! OR! Maybe they are zookeepers keeping zoo animals in the shed as a way of eventually supplying extra retirement cash for an easy money making scheme!!! Gotta love those neighbors!

2011-02-24T11:34:00.003-07:00

I just got a message from an ex. An ex that I loved a lot.
One that I suspected to have just disappeared.
He wants work advice. I want to help him in a way because he had been a heroin addict and has cleaned up his life. The weird thing is he chose the exact career that I am in. It is weird to think that he now is choosing to do the same things that I am doing. I don't really know what to feel about it. I hate that it is bringing up a lot of strange emotions too. It isn't a thing like I would give up everything I have now. I am happier than ever. I am with a man that loves me unconditionally back and wouldn't hurt me like Brendan did. Yet this note is making me feel a lot of sentimental feelings...and a lot of heartache. Perhaps this is a good time to write a song. Maybe it is time that we could be friends. I don't know though. There is so many weird feelings about that time for me. He really let me down. A lot. I cannot decide whether to help guide him or not. I hate saying it, but I don't know if I will ever get over him. There was this sort of chemistry that we had. He had a way of looking at me the same way that my sweet and wonderful Joel does. He definitely would never win me back, and I don't even want that to be thought of as a possibility. Yet i cannot say that there isn't a part of me that misses when we would have good times. Did we ever have good times without being drunk or something though? Maybe it is all just a summertime blur. The summer makes everything seem magical. The desert seems made for lovers. Parks. All that shit. I think it must just be the winter messing with my mind. I love Joel far too much to even bother letting anything like that old time shit to bother me right now.

2011-02-11T22:17:00.000-07:00

I just made this as a Valentine for a friend. I am happy with it :)

2011-02-10T09:28:00.003-07:00

A break has been nice so far. I have got a lot of stuff done around the house. That is a very nice thing.

I have been in a weird mood all week. A mood that constantly changes, but isn't so bad. The biggest reoccurring theme is feeling a real happiness that I've got Joel in my life. I have been feeling lucky to have him lately. I realized that I would be so much more stressed out if he wasn't here. I've been feeling good with the fact that he is done with chemotherapy and that we might be back into having some normalcy for once. I've had a big push of excitement and the fact that we've been talking about doing this Scotland trip and maybe getting hitched while we are over there. It is so thrilling to finally feel happy about the idea of being married to someone. As painful as it is to admit, any time the marriage thing has come up in a relationship throughout my life, it has sounded like a terrifying idea. What if they are just lonely and chose me because they think this is the best thing they have found so far and they just don't want to try to ever feel love? Nothing is more depressing than knowing a relationship might just be simply settling for something and not moving on to finding someone you are passionate about. I feel like I have that guy that I've always wanted and looked for. The fact he could have died scares me. I always have this fear that it will all end...that the best moments of my life will soon end and it will be another long spell of the horrible shit spell that I lived for so long. The point I am getting at is that it is really nice to feel like maybe things are going to be okay. I am so excited that we might get to do some traveling and get to do something sweet together.

2010-12-28T06:02:00.003-07:00

Cannot sleep, which means it is probably a good time to write.

Where do I start...

Things I miss: kissing, walking, biking, sex, talking about the future without a ping of wondering whether or not things will ever be normal again.
I know none of these things can be avoided as of right now though, and I am more relieved to know that the cancer is almost gone from him (hopefully). I keep crossing my fingers that the possibility of bone cancer goes away and that we can eventually have what could be considered a normal relationship. I often wish that things started this bad right from the get go so that I didn't have memories of things being normal and fun. All I think about most of the time is how things once were, and that is the hardest part. I am so happy that he is getting better, but nothing is harder than watching the person you love become weakened by chemotherapy and to have to hang out for hours on end in a room filled with people dying of cancer. The whole thing definitely changes your perspective on life.

As of lately I have spent a large amount of time dissecting the way people communicate through social media. I've always viewed things such as facebook and twitter to be a great way to share a funny video or to say something random and get a conversation going. On average it is more of my way of trying to say something comical that I am thinking at that given moment. I've become rather fascinated by how many people seem to continually make statements with a form of enthusiasm that doesn't seem realistic. If you know that the person is a bitter asshole, then you know that each time they end a statement with a form of enthusiasm (such as "hooray"), that it is to play the actor and to give a false sense of who they are. I've found that I begin reading the messages that people write and watch how they interact in public (text versus oral and nonverbal communication). On average I have found most people to not sway between the forms of communication. I believe that most people are fairly nervous around people they don't know and will show the signs of that, or that they will change the tones of their voice depending on the familiarity of the person they are speaking to. The thing I have become more infatuated by is how people will change the very fibers of who they are depending on the situation. All of this is based on an ex of mine that I have seen. His very communication is false to who I know him to be. I'll be honest since this is a place where I know he will never venture anyways....he is a pompous, arrogant, selfish, egotistical and narcissistic human being. He can be nice at times, but on average he is rude(the type that would treat you with contempt on your birthday and get drunk to the point where you have to drive him home instead). This is okay...you are who you are, and all you can do is be self aware and try to make changes about how you treat others to fix these kinds of issues. Instead I find that he writes messages that show fake enthusiasm and a general sense of "I'm a professional businessman" dialogs as to toot his own horn and to end each statement with a "hooray" or some form of enthusiasm. At first this threw me off. I thought that maybe he still had the ego, but learned to be happy through all of that muddle (because as I am sure you all know, behind an angry and bitter asshole usually lies a depressed human being). One day my sweetie and I were drinking coffee and I spotted my ex walking across the street. He had completely changed his dress style. He had cut his hair differently, dyed it, changed his clothes and shoes, different glasses...you name it. Knowing the fact that he went out of his way on average to keep his hair cut short and always dress as a professional because "you never know when the opportunity will come up", this got us confused. Then my thoughts went to the fact that he is dating someone new and that maybe she has had an influence on him to try different things, which can also be a really good thing. We ran into him at a show and the first thing he says to my boyfriend was "how's your ass?" in the coldest tone he could choose. People turned in dismay at the rudeness of the statement (considering that it is rather rude to insult someone for having stage three colorectal cancer). What can I conclude otherwise? His personality didn't change, but instead he changed everything else about himself he could think of to seem different. Since the whole cancer thing started, I have found a lot of people are kind and want to help when you are going through tough times. When I find a person like my ex in the mix, it throws me off. How can someone be so heartless? Then how can they use social media to seem as though they are a nice person that cares about others? Do these kinds of people believe that they can fool society in 140 characters? Maybe social media has been created so we can become anything we want to be. Maybe it goes beyond an effective way of communicating an idea (like where to meet for an event). All of this makes me feel like the internet is just a stage for anyone to mold themselves into whatever image they've wanted to become.

After a rant like that, maybe I have finally cleared my head for sleeping. These thoughts at least help me know that the people I have met that are real, sweet, and wonderful people mean more to me than I could even begin to imagine.

2010-11-25T21:12:00.003-07:00

I just learned from The Unbelievable Truth on BBC radio that fresh cat urine glows green under a black light, and dried urine glows yellow. I have not tried this, but there you go.

2010-11-23T19:46:00.002-07:00

I've been having a lot more time lately to sit back and relax. My brain feels a lot less crazy, which is good. I've focused most of my time doing a lot of things that I keep thinking of making random side careers out of. It is sort of like my joke idea that I randomly come to at times to have some sort of weird secret circus career as a juggler. Sometimes I also think it would be a great idea to take on a job as a bum that gives motivational speeches to high schools about random subjects, like "I used to spend too much money on (random pop stars) cds, and I am pretty sure that is why I ended up becoming a bum that gives motivational speeches"...or something.
The one thing as of late that I've found as a way to keep my brain busy and hopefully makes some cash is to create lots of things through crocheting and looming. I'm not that amazing at it, but at least it helps keep me from getting down (and not in the funky way).

anyways. more writing later.

2010-09-15T18:40:00.002-06:00

after all of this is done, i think i'll be ready to give up on everything. i'll make sure to sign all of the property over, all of my money and anything of value, and stop trying after that. everyone will be better off without me.

that's all i keep thinking, anyways. i don't have any real friends anymore and i can't remember the last time one of them called me not asking about joel. i'm obviously only a caretaker. so i'll just make sure he's good and then leave so that he can find someone like tara that everyone likes better than me anyways and let them live happily ever after. i know what to expect from this moment on. nothing will make me happier than knowing that i'm gone and leaving everyone much happier than when i bothered people.

2010-09-10T00:20:00.001-06:00

I am so unhappy these days, and I wish I could figure out why. Maybe it is taking care of someone else. I took care of my last boyfriend throughout the entire relationship, basically. In this case, it makes more sense. Here my boyfriend just got out of a major surgery to remove a portion of the rectum, colon, and large intestine. I’ve been waiting for this moment to happen for months after doing my best to help through radiation and chemotherapy. Now that it has happened, I just want my life to end. I feel like I’ve given everything I can. What else is there from this point on? Is it weird for me to want a traditional wedding now? It seems selfish for me to change my mind on the basis that the only time I have been married was a godawful event where I was married by the staff of a sandwich shop. It isn’t his fault that I have these emotions about it now. Yet all I keep thinking is “I deserve something from all of this”. Love shouldn’t have to come at a price. It seems so wrong that my mind keeps bringing up some of these emotions, and I wish I could control them from ever happening. Things like feeling uncomfortable sometimes by the amount of praise he has for his girlfriends, or the fact that he gets along so well with his ex-girlfriends and still talks to them. That they want to send him things after his surgery. Why in the hell does this bother me? They have right to do so, considering he is in pain and needs to feel support. At the same time I want to feel like maybe I am the only person. I know he tells me I am, but it is hard to feel that way sometimes when other people are always waiting on the back burner to obtain his praise so easily. I cook, clean, bring pills, fluff pillows, mow the lawn, get the mail, clean the dishes, clean the laundry, and try looking for a job all at the same time. All I want now is to get a job just so I can get away from it all once in awhile. I need a break from mixed messages regarding whether or not he wants his mom here or not, and I need some sort of sign from somewhere that I didn’t just walk into a never ending nightmare of bipolar emotional changes. I am sure most of this is my fault, and I honestly should have known better than get myself sucked into so many other family obstacles that I wasn’t ready to endure in this process. It seems like they all want me to give answers though that I don’t have answers to. I barely know how to take care of myself, let alone supply them with facts I am unaware of and take care of their son. Sometimes I wish I just would get hit by a car and this would all end so that he can inherit the house, get better, and find someone with a lot less problems than me.

I probably should be asleep.

2010-07-20T07:01:00.003-06:00

So tired. So very, very tired.

The sound of laundry going through the dryer is making me feel a sense of calm. I guess I have a busy week and should find a way to pass out.

There is something about the way Grass Widow plays that is almost romantic and heart felt. It is reminding me that I should give a listen to some of the Raincoats again soon. I have not heard them in years, but I remember loving them a lot when I did. There are certain pairs of vocal structures that, when working together, seem to make a completely different song of their own. I have always enjoyed that property with funk and early soul music. Especially James Brown.
Then there is the styles of bands like Galaxie 500 or My Bloody Valentine that almost use the vocals to add just another layer in the fabrics of specific distortions. With the amount of delays happening, the vocals are there as just another fold. when you have delay, reverb, most likely a phaser or other effects all working their magic at once, the vocals do not necessarily have to be that obvious. They can almost be used as just another effect. Fucking christ, I love shoegaze. You would think that the closer I am to my 30's I would have found a new style of music to embrace. I think the older I get the more I enjoy the complicated and often lo-fi sounds. Then again, the radio only holds music it seems from a mass populace of anti-depressant rock with a tinge of "join the army" style guitar riffs. Thanks, but no thanks Godsmack. You really don't represent how I feel about music. Maybe the radio has changed since I last heard it, but I am honestly too afraid to check. Alright. Time to give some sleep a try. I have a possible job that I could be landing, and I better be somewhat well rested when I go to apply for it. I should still try to clean out the storage unit too and take a lot of stuff over to the thrift shops. Yikes. I think I will be finding a lot of different types of spiders that I didn't know existed until now.

this is real.

2010-07-14T21:46:00.000-06:00

Today I wondered whether or not I should continue breathing.
Just like yesterday,
the day before that,
the day 18 years ago where I started questioning the essence of trying.

The funny thing is I already know that this will never be read by anyone but myself. I could easily disappear right now as I had thought awhile back and no one would know it. As simple as that. Disappear into nothing. Why am I afraid to just give up? It seems that once you realize you have nothing else going for you in life, you maybe can be happier than you have ever been. I’ve never done anything special or have been anything important. The concept of nihilism always seemed depressing to me in my youth, and now it makes perfect sense. To feel nothing. To be nothing. To not care, not bother trying, not trying to exist. Maybe I shouldn’t talk. Maybe I shouldn’t write, should not play another note again. Sometimes I think about digging a giant hole and laying in it until the dirt shovels itself onto me. It decides for itself my fate based on the very nature of the world.

There are happy things in my life too. It is so hard to describe this overwhelming feeling. I have not dealt with such a hard mix of things since I went through being divorced and all that went along with that. It just keeps coming in a flood, and I am not even emotionally capable anymore to know how to deal with it. I could say this is the end right now, but is it really? Do things ever really end? I feel selfish for feeling these things when I know so many people right now going through shit. Hell, I know Joel needs me to be stable now and to be ready to give some support, but I know he’d do fine without me. Everyone would be fine without me. Everyone will be fine without me. I could never go through with anything while he is going through treatment and recovery. I guess I will wait and see if a rainbow ever appears or if anyone seems to find a reason for me to continue existing.

and you tried so hard to get there.

2010-02-10T19:32:00.001-07:00

and you tried so hard to get there.

Okay, so it has been a long time since I have been on here. I have been computerless for some time. I started to think that maybe computers and I were just not meant to be. I finally found a nice new little sexy computer that has decided to be my companion throughout this message (and for many more to come), so I might be on here a little more often now.

I am listening to Gong, which is this pretty fantastic 70's band that I highly recommend to all. They basically made tons of fantastic music, but there is one particular song that I have always loved best (and maybe it is the favorite song among all Gong fans...not sure). Point being, the song is called "Tried So Hard." It is one of those songs that I think is a testament to that specific early 70's sound that a lot of the psychedelic bands were going for.
here is the song for you people that like hearing songs.

Anyways. I guess I will get to the other point of writing.

It has been awhile since I have been here for other reasons as well. I've had a lot of changes in my life over the last four or so months. I have felt a lot of things for quite awhile. Sometimes it takes you a long time to realize that maybe you are not happy with the way things have been going in your life. Maybe it is your surroundings, the people you encounter, the way the air around you clings to your flesh with that sticky afternoon glow. There are moments in your life where you witness people in all forms of their being. You can see them be completely strong and capable, weak and deteriorating, or breaking down into tears. I have unfortunately brought all of these states out of people through my very existence. It isn't something that I am proud of, but I suppose that is what it takes to be human. I was already starting to realize that things in my life were not the way I had ever wanted them to be. I was in a situation where I was on a completely different path than the person I thought would be my companion, and I felt that way for years. I guess I really only felt on his wavelength for a matter of months and then fell from that long ago. I kept thinking that eventually I would find my way back to feeling the same way or having the same attitudes on life and things in general, but instead I found myself feeling a complete loss of what humanity could ever offer. I kept giving, and it seemed like the world kept taking. I started to plan dramatic ideas in my head as to how to take care of the situation. I was either going to end it all or leave without telling anyone. Pack my stuff, leave the country. Not tell a soul. I would hope that things would just work out magically by my running out of money and eventually living in rough conditions until I finally died an Oregon Trail style death simply because of poor medical facilities. The idea of it all now seems ridiculous that these were the conclusions I came to, but I stopped caring about everything. No one could be weaker than me, and especially the strongest of people.

Then I saw it all happen.

It was as if out of a horrible and possibly tragic situation everything made sense. I think it is natural to have connections to specific people in your life. I have friends that will always just be my friends, people that I have had little girlie crushes on in the past (but would never dare do the nasty business with), and people that I just have never been able to feel comfortable around. There happens to be one person that was always incredibly easy for me to get along with, and for me to be comfortable around. I spent a great deal of time around him because of the fact that he was so close to my previous boyfriend, but he also is a musician that actually appreciates music on the same level that I do. So I find myself spending more and more time with him (although we had spent time together in the past, it was never to the degree it became later). We spent more and more time together. We eventually started working at the same place and had lunches together. Nothing romantic happened between us by any means, but I found myself feeling completely comfortable saying my fears and views of the world to him. He wasn't just my coworker and someone that has played on the same stages that I have, but he became one of my best friends. The thing that was difficult though was seeing him as being this powerful human being. I had never seen a single moment of weakness throughout the entire time I had ever known him. I kept remaining in my relationship that was far from being alive and growing, and continued feeling this overwhelming sense of longing for something that I didn't think I could ever achieve. If someone is so strong and brilliant, why would they ever want to be with someone as emotional and silly as I am? I didn't even dare think that I could ever stand a chance. Then there was finally the moment that changed it all. When you see someone being cared about by multiple people and watched over with concern, it brings various emotions to the forefront. It brought out this emotion that I didn't think could ever happen to me. It wasn't motherly necessarily, but it was the closest thing to it that I think I've ever experienced. I couldn't imagine losing him. I've seen people die in my lifetime, and I have known many people that are unfortunately not kicking these days. I got over their deaths pretty well. I thought more and more about what my boyfriend at the time said about if I died before he would. Would he really care? Would he feel these same feelings when I am in the same situation? I realized how little I really meant in the general scope of it all, but most importantly, I realized how much this other person meant to me. While he was lying in a bed, weak and looking around the room with a drugged glare, our eyes met at some point. I felt as though he knew was I was thinking and feeling, although I know there was no way he could have been focused enough on me as I was on him. I went out into the parking lot to smoke a cigarette, and I told my friend most of the feelings I was thinking and feeling. It all made sense. It had taken me years to finally find the ability to say and feel all that I had been processing, but the event put the words I had been waiting for into my mouth.

It isn't me that is the issue, it is the world itself that I was allowing myself to exist in.

So I left and went out into the world again to find myself. In the process I found myself finding the love of the person I always felt a connection to. It is funny how things work out the way you want them to when you least expect it.

and that is about it.

This is long and rather personal, but I know that no one really reads this blog except for myself. I hope to look back on this no matter what the future holds for me and know that at least at this current moment I felt this great about life. I hope that I look back at this and smile.

Time to play around on ableton. see ya...

i wish i could say things without mak...

2009-04-27T18:17:00.001-06:00

i wish i could say things without making people mad.

i wish i could live a normal life without causing others pain. that is all i seem to do anymore, and i am not even trying to do such a thing.

i must be a pretty terrible person. i always thought i was pretty nice and caring, but i think i've given myself a false hope or a false security, that is.

i think maybe i should give up and just move far away so that i can only screw up myself and not hurt anyone else anymore.

Prince

2009-04-09T19:47:00.004-06:00

Okay, I fully admit to it. I absolutely love listening to Prince. Especially Prince and the Revolution. Is there anything better than really well done funk? They used synths in a fashion that really was an actual revolution. That is why I am happy to report that I am listening to The Hits albums. I know, I know...just the hits? I've got Prince albums outside of this, but I just got this double disc and am very pleased to give my report on it.

Can I just start of by saying how old this makes me feel? These were songs that I LOVED as a child, but I had to hide from my parents. There were various artists and movies that my mom didn't want my sister or I to see. I didn't see the movie "Dirty Dancing" until I was a teenager because my mom forbid us from seeing it. Of course I thought the movie was ridiculous and had no idea why my mom wouldn't let us see it. I told her what I thought of the movie later on and she said, "well, maybe I prevented you from seeing it because I knew it was going to be stupid." Guns and Roses? Oh, no way. The vocals were too annoying. David Bowie? No. He is supposedly evil. Prince? Fuck no! Too dirty. Too evil. He got the double package there.

To not have to secretly listen to Prince and actually enjoy it as an adult still brings this sense of doing something in secret. It is seductive. It makes you feel like you have your own dirty little secret. I can actually appreciate certain things about this album that I did not understand as a child (because keep in mind I was just a little tyke when the radio was playing "diamonds and pearls.") Outside of the assless pants that I can recall seeing him wear on stage during an MTV awards show (and keep in mind my mom never lets that one drop when I talk about liking Prince), his range in vocals and sensational Revolution's synth stylings are exhilarating.

dream signals in full circles.

2009-04-08T19:46:00.004-06:00

I am listening to this album for the first time in a long while. I remember the first time I heard this album. I was 17 and had met the man that I would later marry in a situation that is best phrased by "all whirlwind, heat and flash." Before we married there was a weird sort of awakening for me. I sometimes wonder if it was doing things that were against moral codes and boundaries, or whether it was simply the idea of feeling a sense of love. He loaned me some various albums to listen to, in which this one happened to be amongst the collection. There were also others in that pack that I still feel grateful for having the exposure to. I found myself listening to this album often during the period of time later on where I lived in Moscow, Idaho. In the icy winter tundra I would find solace listening to this, as well as Dear Nora, Erase Errata, Sonic Youth, and Rachels. When we finally decided on divorcing later on, this album was one that I hoped he would allow me to have during the splitting up of the cd collection. Although I didn't get this one at the time, it didn't matter. There is something grand about listening to an album you enjoy after a long period of time. It allows the sap to collect on the notes just a bit longer and to mature into some fine fruit. I guess we all cannot give in to temptation at every chance.

On a completely different topic, I have found myself making lots of new comics at my flickr page.

Do you ever wonder about people that you shouldn't bother wasting your time on? Lately I keep finding a large amount of hippie infested music at the Record Exchange, and I am pretty certain I know who's collection it is. I don't know why, but I care about it for some weird reason. What if he lost his job? He doesn't have any family here. He doesn't know anyone well enough to borrow money from, other than me. He would never ask to borrow money from me, and I would hope he wouldn't. At the same time, I am pretty positive that in today's economy a job in painting houses is not going to be stable. I was informed by Tracy that she ran into him at Terrapin Station one day and he said he fell off a roof and broke one of his ribs. I warned him a million times over to protect himself when climbing up roofs, but he was always in too much of a hurry to get the job done quickly. Considering the amount of Grateful Dead and Neil Young, the fact that the economy is absolutely terrible for anyone working any sort of job dealing with houses, and knowing that he's too proud to ever ask help from anyone, I am pretty sure that he is struggling to not be homeless. I sort of wish I didn't delete his number so that I could call to make sure he's doing okay, but sometimes you've got to clean out your phone list, you know? ah well. maybe his mom will come save him either way.

April is still being exactly the month that it has always predicted itself to be; rainy weather and constant wind flurries. I am crossing my fingers that by the mid portion of this month that the heat will officially come in and allow some time for planting. I am ready to start planting and harvesting a garden! That's the one real country girl part of me that I've still got left. I fucking love gardening. Nothing is more satisfying than growing a bunch of your own vegetables and eating them fresh. It is so delicious and convenient!

Lots of love to you all, and have a wonderful swim.

in particular

2009-03-24T20:30:00.002-06:00

...is such a catchy song by blonde redhead. i think my all time favourite is "violent life."

do you ever wonder the "what if" questions to the extreme? i do that far too often.

dog on the sidewalk, i saw...

2009-03-19T18:11:00.002-06:00

curerently listening to deerhoof's "bibidi babidi boo," which is a first for me. it has a different version of "dog on the sidewalk" then the version you will hear on "milk man," and i believe for good reason. this album so far is similar in style to "reveille" and "milk man," only some of them are live and some sound a bit different from the tracks on the albums. these songs were on the album, but they are different versions...and at times it is even more spastic and less disorted. i almost would say that the version of "milking" in this album is even better then what was released on "milk man." everyone in this is talented as hell. you can hear the guitar licks dripping from the speakers, and the drummer is going fast enough that it puts a hummingbird to shame. satomi's vocals are easier to hear on this album. you can get a feel for what her voice really sounds like and what the words are. can i also mention it is live? i usually cannot stand live versions of anything, but i have heard two live tracks recently that blew me away. this version of "milking" on "bibidi babidi boo" and the version of "bad sees" from beat happening's self titled album. i should also note that i twitted about listening to deerhoof and my good friend dan in england wrote back with delight. i'm glad to hear that deerhoof are rocking the UK just as hard as they rock the US. may i also just add that perhaps my all time favourite song from deerhoof ("giga dance") is really freaking amazing on this disc?

off topic. completely off topic. today was really confusing in general. there is a huge system that i deal with regularly that transfers a large amount of data that is essential to the company that i work for. they have been switching databases so that in the future, you will be able to check in depth on the properties within that particular file. this means that not only am i a drafter, but i am also a database operator in a way. i am constantly having to transport and maintain more data than i thought could be even imaginable as a child. i mean, think up to probably a terabyte by now. i'm not even kidding. for one, part of my job is to draw points from one substation to another. these are essential points that run underneath a distribution line. for example, things such as fences, buildings of any kind, street signs, street signals, billboards, distribution poles, roads, trails, rivers, streams, lakes, cell towers and the like all have points that have to be located. these are huge files that i have to move about regularly, as well as these other files all based in microstation or microsoft products, which are also huge. today the shit hit the fan, as some would phrase it. recently they had an emergency with the changing of the databases and made an alert that anyone with particular projects had to turn in all the drawings for those projects immediately for the transfer. this meant that i had to check in something like 145 drawings within a half hour off the fly. well, i was able to do it by some sort of skill based on drinking massive amounts of caffeine and focusing all my anti-depressant medication on being totally and completely focused. since this was awhile back, i had forgot that i saved all of the drawings in a folder on my harddrive for just in case before transferring them over. i sent an email to the head honcho over there so that he would know that i needed back these drawings immediately as soon as he was done with the transfer. well, i didn't end up getting them back immediately, simply because of lack of time. i got back from vacation totally ill and had went from one huge project to another relatively busy project that required my full attention. i did not have time to be a database lady at all during that span of time. so yesterday i was asked to check back in the drawings from the system and i went through and checked them all back in. today i found out that tons of them were coming up as the drawings before the last issuance, meaning that all of our work was totally lost. so then i was asked about whether i had saved it on a work file, and i said no since we had not issued them and i have only been saving after issuance. i had totally forgotten about having all these files on my computer. we were all getting really bummed about the whole thing, since this meant that the higher ups had accidently not done a step that has to be done to update the drawings to the most current ones. while trying to show my co-worker a folder where i might have a few saved, i glanced over a folder with the project name on it. i opened it up and it all totally came back to me. i jumped up and said, "this is all the files! we are okay! i completely forgot!!" well, this still didn't solve the problem. there are still drawings coming back with issues despite it all, but that one is beyond me. i am 100% certain that the drawings i sent out are in this folder, since i remember doing it now. i did it because i know myself well enough to know that things like this could happen, and because this particular project has been sort of confusing at times. i guess the whole point of this is that everything has ended in a pretty good way from what i can tell. i was able to quickly solve at least a couple of the things that were found right off the bat. i asked the leader of the project if the files i had saved seemed correct, and he said they all were, but that there were just a few weird little quirks that were not totally figured out. i guess i'm just bummed about having to write to the big guys that run the system and telling them that they are going to have to delete out some drawings. they will want an explanation i am sure, and this is going to lead to a weird "well, you sort of didn't do this one thing and so it didn't transfer all the correct data over to the new database." sigh. i'll do fine at it. i just hate the idea that since i have taken this role that it seems at times like i'm not the best at it. i try really hard to do my best at it and i am constantly going by checklists for it. i think the problem is trying to balance out about 60 hours of work into 40 hours. at least i know that i am fast. i'm pretty efficient, but i know i could improve. i think that process will come to me once i have down a perfect method for figuring out how to balance all of the different tasks that i have to do in one day. the thing that makes it difficult is the off the fly stuff. most of my work today was work that came by me that was immediate. the moment today that was pretty nuts was writing an email listing off all the drawings that had to be released (roughly 150+ drawings), plotting two 55 page sets of a project for an engineer that wanted it that minute totally off the fly, and then trying to figure out the issue with the database malfunction. the fantastic thing is that the problem i've been having for two days now has pretty much been solved by this dude out in hailey. he's a super nice and funny guy. he had the same problem today and started messing around with the database and figured out the trick to getting the drawings checked in. he called me up and chatted about the whole thing and i gave him the scoop on some things that i have been noticing with the system this week that seemed concerning. it wouldn't let me check in for awhile one day. then when i could finally access it, i could not access any project files at all. it was absolutely perplexing.

now after that insanely long rant, back on to topic.

i also have checked out the newest release from dungen called "4." i highly recommend this album! dungen is one of those bands that i think are great in a number of ways. i know that a lot of people think they sound like the beatles, but is that necessarily a bad thing? isn't it damned impossible to not sound like the beatles in one aspect or another? i mean, i've even listened to electronic stuff that sounded like the beatles. country?: oh yeah. i've heard some beatles sounding country, motherfucker. dungen is downright sultry and smooth at times. it is the type of music you could be listening to at a hip club with a fancy woman that has betty davis eyes. it is las vegas swank, all covered in the gloss and sheen of bands like love and at times on "tio bitar" i almost felt a bit of black sabbath in it. it often reminds me of the zombies (which is great for me, since i adore the zombies). i should also add that if anyone uses a flute, i am usually quite pleased. flute is one of my all time favourite instruments. i've been planning on getting flute lessons eventually in my lifetime and might eventually try to get myself into an orchestra later in life. i've always loved the idea of joining a really great orchestra, like martin denny's style of thing. i would get to play these quick little jazzy tunes on the flute real fast, and i would add a slight bit of reverb or distortion to it at times. i would get the opportunity to make 50's style dresses and glam it up for performances. wouldn't that just be delightful? god. i'd have to have a martini glass next to me the entire time just to give it that extra bit of swank. i'd almost be tempted to leave a lipstick mark on the trombone player's collar just to add to that sort of hilarious 50's style marty gold kind of music. could you imagine the audience's reaction to that? they'd be really digging the music, but be completely focused on the lipstick on the collar (because chances are at least 75% of the audience will be blazing drunk or sloppy high). anyways....

i am going to depart now to consume some food like substances. have a wonderful evening.

albums i've listened to recently:

2009-03-09T19:44:00.001-06:00

albums i've listened to recently:

slint- spiderland (for the first time in a long while)
avalanches- since i left you
digitalism - idealism
senor coconut- around the world
senor coconut y su conjunto- el baile aleman
animal collective with vashti bunyan- prospect hummer
do make say think- s/t
martin denny- hypnotique
martin denny- exotica II
gnarls barkley- st. elsewhere
junior senior- hey hey my my yo yo
guided by voices- bulldog skin ep

so far this is my opinion of each album:

slint- i am sure you were already coming to the conclusion that i was going to say the obvious. this album is a classic that influenced a gob of artists afterwards. i cannot listen to this album too often personally, despite the fact that i do feel that it is an important album of its time. moving on...

avalanches- at times this album makes me feel nostalgic of blaxploitation music coming in full throttle, like a current version of "car wash," for example. it has the classic song that i have always had a crush on called, "frontier psychiatrist." if you have not heard it yet, i definitely recommend checking it out.

senior coconut- both albums are instant classics for me. it was one of those experiences where you only had to listen to the album once and you have already considered it an all time favorite. imagine a quartet playing xylophones and having a horn section, bongos and the like playing songs like daft punk's "around the world," or kraftwerk's "robots." it is absolutely fantastic.

animal collective w/vashti bunyan- imagine a voice that is hauntingly beautiful being distored and morphed into many synthesized forms and you have a basic concept of this ep. i enjoyed it rather well, but it definitely isn't the album that i'd imagine everyone out there would enjoy right off the bat. well, not my parents at least. i'm pretty sure they'd rather be listening to fleetwood mac.

do make say think- i've already been enjoying this band for awhile now. i'm a fan of the fact that they are the type of band that can be played in just about any location and be completely appropriate. they are quiet and hypnotic, but also have some great electronic undertones that peak out here and there throughout the entire album. if you ever have to host a party and need a band that does not interrupt from holding conversation easily, but will also not put your guests to sleep, put on some do make say think.

martin denny- it is so hip and clever. absolutely sexy and sophisticated. this is the ultimate bachelor pad music. it goes from the "lets get dancing baby" style to the "baby, i know things have been tough around your place, so why don't you move into my place with me and let me get all sexy with you?" style. it is a transition that satisfies even more than a snickers can.

gnarls barkley- well, dang. i've heard the song "crazy" so many times that my mind probably has exploded from it. at the same time, it really is a pretty catchy song. the album has some great funk moments that are well appreciated. i am not as into this album and some people out there have been, but i definitely pleased to have heard it.

junior senior- you know, i just didn't really get that into it. i had the same opinion of it as i have of scissor sisters. it is sort of catchy at times until the vocals come in or they try to have an intricate break, but it seems to fall flat. there are times that i found something that definitely sounded catchy, but it isn't the album that i probably would write home about.

guided by voices- it is a decent enough ep, but not really a favorite of the guided by voices anthology. that's not saying anything too horrible about them at all though, considering they've got something to the effect of 52 different albums, at least. i think my all time favorite guided by voices album for me was "alien lanes," but i also really enjoy "bee thousand" as well.

this is my review for now. i hope everyone is doing well and having a great week. thank you to all that came out for my birthday. it was very sweet of you all to show your love, and i definitely appreciate that. i feel like a very lucky person to have such wonderful friends.

have a wonderful day.

whoa, my finger just popped.

2009-02-19T19:51:00.002-07:00

totally by accident. weird. i never try to pop my fingers because it freaks me the fuck out.

so this is a girly post! yay womanhood! way to rock my world!
here are clothes that i think are totally cute!!!

sexy, no?

cute!

and these earrings are so fantastic!

wallet time!

holy shit! these are amazing! i want this for when pleen and i go tandem biking!

all of this is available at modcloth.com! they have got such great taste in fashion!
have a wonderful day!

dance in the moonlight, my cinnamon girl

2009-02-17T18:12:00.002-07:00

i got home, and i sat down. i spoke with a friend that i had not spoken to in many years, which was pleasant. i got onto a social networking site and checked my messages. a friend from high school asked to be added into the "friends" category, and i was once again happy to have such an experience happen out of the blue. since i was on nostalgia lane, i put on some neil young and crazy horse. it felt great to listen to (and i fully admit that i am listening to crosby, stills, nash and young right now to really get myself into this particular writing flow), but it also made me feel a lot of other random feelings.

when i first met my ex-boyfriend of 2-3 years ago, he was a recovering heroin addict. most of my friends thought he was a nice guy, although they always wondered why we were dating exactly. he was a huge 60's revelation guy from cleveland, and i was a little farm town woman living in boise. it didn't really make a lot of sense, but either way we ended up dating off an on for a year or so. as you probably imagined by now, he fell back into using heroin not long after we started dating, and basically the relationship didn't really exist anymore. when we'd hang out, we'd go out in the middle of nowhere and listen to "down by the river" by crosby, stills, nash and young on repeat. "cinnamon girl" by neil young and crazy horse was also a constant repeating single in the repertoire, which was a nice change from the regular mix of the grateful dead or ratdog. i never cared for that kind of music, and i don't think i ever will. i know there is always the hippie stoner that claims that it is some revelation to really dig deeply into what is going on with the grateful dead, but i've listened to more grateful dead than i have ever cared to hear, and you could never get high enough to make that music a true "revelation of thought and mind." the thing that kept us together at all was "cinnamon girl".

there was one particular part in the song where someone's voice cracks. in some weird way the off toned high shriek comes out sounding fantastic in that particular part of the song. in the version that he would put in the car, it was from a live performance. at one part someone goes, "yeah" in a particular part in the song where it didn't seem to connect with any major chorus or note structure. it was sort of there just as an obvious, "i'm digging this" kind of message. little did i know that he would be on mushrooms or whatever else drug while i'd be sitting there listening to the same part about 50 times every sitting.

yet, this song still gets to me. it's catchy and sort of like something my dad would listen to. actually, i know he listens to. there are particular bands and styles of music that i imagine most people hide from others. they think that to admit to liking fleetwood mac, as an example, will mean that they must like a bunch of 40-year-olds getting it on with one another. when you put it in terms like that, it really does sound kind of awesome, and i apologize because i was going for the opposite...but the point is, for some that might be embarrassing. instead they keep this music closed away behind doors and they never admit to liking it. i remember being ashamed to tell a friend once that i adored queen, in which she said, "you know...i love queen too." it turned out that most of my friends loved queen, but they were embarrassed to admit to it. why? is it because there is an experience behind that particular band? is it because of some sort of social pro quo?

the thing i should end this with is really what is the most important. i loved my ex a great deal back then, but not nearly as much as i love the man that i am going to marry. i feel really blessed to have found a wonderful man who is also my best friend. i thought i would point this out, considering this is a more in depth post than my usual. i just felt like going off about a random musical experience.

anyways...that is it for now. ciao!

merriweather

2009-02-07T19:30:00.001-07:00

merriweather post pavilion

i fully admit that i didn't grow 100% fond of "strawberry jam." it was a great album, but it did not really stick with me like previous albums had. not only am i very excited about their newest release "merriweather post pavilion," but i'm pretty sure that it will easily be one of my favorite albums this year. there is a side of them that i didn't know existed until this album was made. it is highly romantic; the type of album that one would buy if they were dating someone and wanted to send a gift that says, "the mere sound of your name gives me butterflies in my stomach." it can be danceable, soothing, and at some times almost ambient. in other words, if you like animal collective, go grab a copy of this album.

in other news, i spotted two squirrels having a little chase in the backyard and two basset hounds that were playing in a front yard! i had a lovely walk in the grand weather that we had today and saw all sorts of great sites. the planet earth is a very great place.

i will now go make some dinner!

whatever happened to coolio?

2009-01-29T18:23:00.002-07:00

that is the question that you need to think about.

i also thought i would post that since i have been able to conceive what a number is, i have always had this strong attraction to the number three. i would go out of my way at times to make things equal out to three, and i would not play any sport without three somewhere in the number that would be on my jersey. i even have a perfect thirty-one on my arm completely made out of freckles, and i used to believe as a child that aliens abducted me and that three was supposed to be the number that would allow me to enter a part of my brain that i could not access without speaking or writing down this number. it would unleash this side of me that would supposedly be like some sort of super robot humanoid (sort of what you would expect maria from "metropolis" to be like in modern day times). this was all the stuff i came up with during times i would be playing around in my room and writing up weird stories, anyways. i recently listened to a program that spoke about signs of OCD, and this was similar to a story on there. it sort of made me feel a little freaked out that i probably have symptoms of it as least, but after awhile i realized that my obsession with three is almost pleasant. it doesn't get in my way too often, and it is mostly just a fascination. i mean, it is prime. it is curvy. it is breasts if you turn it the right direction. what number could ever be as cool as three?

anyways, i am going to play my crossword puzzle now. cheerio!

too legit to quit

2009-01-08T18:29:00.002-07:00

i find it to be so completely awesome that our future president is going to post up on the internet what the estimated 3 trillion dollars is going to be spent on.

i also think it is fantastic that he has weekly youtube addresses.

i feel like america is actually starting to seem like a cool place again (not that i had lost my patriotic ways, but there were times right after 9/11 where i really thought america seemed like some sort of old western film like "true grit").

the big news for me today (outside of darrin's fantastic news) is that russia is pushing a robotic mission forward to go to mars. the mission is being labeled as the "phobos-grunt" mission that is being slated for october of 2010. it should also be heading towards one of mars' moons named phobos and will be scraping up some samples of dirt to bring back to earth for examination by 2012. i am excited to see what they discover!

rockets hit israel from lebanon today, which is also rather important news, since this raises fears about israel's offensive in gaza possibly spilling over. while i keep hoping that feuding will end there, i know that it is a goal that will not be able to happen until someone can come up with a true peace agreement (and a legitimately fair one at that) between israel and palestine.

palm has released a new gadget called the palm pre, which is a touchscreen phone with a trackball and a slide out keyboard. is it just me, or is technology becoming so cutting edge at such rapid speeds that it seems even more magical then it did when you were a child? shit...i remember thinking that the ibm we had growing up that didn't sell worth shit was pure gold. the pentium one? oh man...don't even get me started on how cool we thought that was. the first day i had to use windows vs dos was like stepping into some sort of teleportation device to the future. the funny thing is i'm more of a linux user then a windows user these days, if you were going to base this on what i prefer to use vs. what i am forced to use based on the software that will run the various programs needed to get done with my work. even if, windows was this, well, window into the future.
if you'd like to see the palm pre, you can see it by clicking here.

there you are! have a wonderful day, and stay warm!

Untitled

2008-12-21T14:29:00.001-07:00

general awesomeness.

first let me state that the fact we successfully pissed off a guy outside of a blimpie's just by trying to park the car was already pretty kick ass. not only was he pissed off enough to get out of the car and do this whole motioning of how far they had from behind their huge SUV to the car behind them, but then the guy got out and started yelling and then flipped us off. the best part of it is we have no idea what we did wrong. the moral of the story is, you cannot park your car if there is an SUV next to the spot you are attempting to park your car in, you cannot do so. park your car across the street or in another state, or maybe just burn your car to keep warm and then make sure to burn copies of catcher in the rye over the open flame just to make the SUV drivers feel even more secure that you are not out to kill their children by shooting heroin into their arms and teaching them voodoo.

in other news, i highly recommend the show "that mitchell and webb look." every minute of it is brilliant. numberwang is terrifying and brilliant.

other shows that i have become addicted to because of the great and awesome fact that cuddlebot also enjoys british television as much as i do:
nevermind the buzzcocks
quite interesting
mock the week
tv heaven telly hell
top gear

doctor who is of course on the list, but that was most likely already known as soon as i said that i've been digging on the bbc stations.

may i also mention that the newest segment of "wait wait...don't tell me!" is absolutely fascinating? the history involved behind their not my job guest mavis staples is amazing, and she's such a great woman to listen to as it is. not only does she have soul, but she's downright adorably sweet.

there is supposed to be up to 8-10 inches of snow possibly by tomorrow morning out here in the treasure valley, so keep your warm socks on and be careful on those roads! it's going to be cold, but definitely beautiful out there.

today is day three of the attempt to getting my health back in order, and it seems to be going pretty well so far. my mood has been generally better, and i've been sleeping a little more fully so far as well. i actually even thought of the idea of skiing, and i am terrified of skiing! i must have had some sort of happy sleep, considering i've actually got a little bit of holiday cheer inside of me...

the bah humbug show was awesome as well. floom dorm really made me happy with their rendition of altered christmas songs. i don't have to be ashamed any longer of having a holiday related name. thanks guys!
the band that blew me away by far was la knots. i honestly didn't know what to expect by the name and the fact that they had such fantastic gear. they have the leslie amp with the awesome spinning hitchcockian wheel on it. there was no veritgo happening or jimmy stewart coming back to life there, but only the pure furiousness of talent. i'd love to see those two play again (and let me say that the woman playing the drums is one of the greatest drummers to have hit this valley in awhile. she's by far the most talented younger drummer in the valley that i have seen in over 7 years, easily). the guitarist is also quite fantastic, and he has his own great style. i definitely recommend checking them out any time you are in boise and looking for a fun show to see.
kris doty was also on her game, and especially with ak-47 (allison) backing up. they make a great combo, and they really know how to jerk some tears out of emotionless hipsters. i appreciate seeing them cry, since their tears are supposed to cure cancer, or whatever.
bonefish sam is always great, and they definitely kept me happy. the same goes for the very most as well, who have added a second vocalist to the mix that was amazing. she's got quite the voice, and she seems like a really wonderful woman. good job guys!
i missed most of attn, but from what i could tell they sounded great. i think that they might have had the sound up too high since i couldn't hear all of what was going on, but it did seem like a really epic show. i'll have to try to catch it within its entirety another time.
also: i know there are other bands that i didn't mention, and that does not mean i didn't like the act. it is because i have run out of time and really need to get out of here and to joann's to get some more yarn before they close. you all have a wonderful day, and enjoy this snow!

Untitled

2008-12-15T21:07:00.001-07:00

i wish i could sleep.

that's okay though. there are worse problems out there than sleep deprivation.

stephen fry is so awesome.

that's about all i have to say.

many days have passed since i wrote l...

2008-12-10T19:08:00.001-07:00

many days have passed since i wrote last.

many.

i don't get online too much anymore. that is strange for me, considering it used to be one of my favorite passions. i just don't think about computers to the same degree since i am on one at work. i don't really think about much except for guitars and crocheting stuff. oh, and looms. all of those things are totally kick ass.

getting back to the big news.

first: new lowbelly album coming out soon! i am super excited about that!!

also: random scandal! whoa!

so i actually started writing this yesterday, but i was stopped in the process and am now writing the rest. okay.

so why is it that it makes me feel more attractive that some little wussy 16-year-old working at albertsons was checking me out? is it that mrs. robinson edge, perhaps? i think that i almost want to go out of my way to give the flirtatious eyes to friends of mine that are taken, know it would be only meant as a compliment, and would most likely endulge in it. say people like the awesome lisa, for example. i like the idea of giving the winky eyes and saying, "why, hello there little miss attractive" or whatever. from there hopefully there will be a chain reaction of people complimenting and praising one another and eventually the albertsons thing will not have to be the latest and greatest news in my world.

oh, and i saw a guy walking on this overpass that totally looked like a sloth. he had on a hoodie and had the arms stretched out so that you could not see his hands, and he was waving them about as he was walking so that it was as if he was a speed demon like sloth ready to kill babies.
i like baby killer sloth. he was really into wearing all black and looking like he shops at a skate shop.

also: you know what i really miss? hypercolor. i think i want to find out what the process was behind the fabric and make it myself. i'll make panties out of it and give it to people as gifts. i should put mysterious stains on it to creep them out first, considering that giving panties as gifts to friends is already a little creepy as it is. then again, my friends have given me panties as gifts. so who knows.

i'm currently reading another roadside attraction by tom robbins. i'm not sure what to think of it yet. it isn't terrible and the writing style is definitely unique and somewhat interesting, and i do like the character development immensely. the only thing is that there seems to be something missing that i have yet to put my finger on. i've got half the book left to go though, so there is still a chance that it could all change.
oh, and i found a typo in it.

also, you should go to this link:
this link right here

and that is about it! have a great day!

रेकोउरसे इन थे टाइम ऑफ़ ह्यूमन deterioration

2008-11-16T21:52:00.003-07:00

all i wanted to say (since i didn't do as i planned to do on election day) is say that i am so happy to have seen the dawn of a new age for this country. nothing makes me happier than to see the democrats kicking ass. more importantly, it is absolutely fantastic to know that we have a black american as our president. he's charismatic, incredibly sharp and insightful, and i think he will do a fine job. i'm very excited to see what changes will happen in foreign relations with a obama/biden white house, and i am hopeful that things will change for the better.

outside of this, i am doing the same as usual. sometimes you have to face reality and realize that you do have problems and have to face them. it is not too fun, but i guess no one ever really has thought of me as the ultimate fun time. so i guess it is time to just face the facts and deal with it.

sometimes you get weird messages, and...

2008-10-22T16:32:00.001-06:00

sometimes you get weird messages, and sometimes you have to attempt to respond even more insanely then they did.

why?
sometimes i purposefully go out of my way to respond to something as abstractly as possible. i have been trying desperately lately to not go on tangents and to try to speak less, but in the process it has made me become more articulated with my writing. i've made the tangents come back through the form of messages. these messages are bizarre, possibly cryptic and confusing, but possibly the most "i might be losing it" kinds of responses that i could have never dreamed of achieving within my lifetime. it is like i've finally become burroughs or thompson in the sense of "kind of finally going off the crazed end of your existence." not really the "i did too many horse tranquilizers and ended up in pennsylvania" kind of thing. you got it? i think you got it.

so here we go.

the message i received:

i see you in the ground and i miss digging you up. i am lost and
falling falling falling from the tree you anchor to the crust of our
earth back to the soil and inside of it I will bury myself for some
time im hiding from my inward to find my inward. i suppose i have seen
and attempted foolish things stories and travels of fools all selfish
and vain all everything and nothing all and all. where is your soul
mine is on this fair ride like a pirate ship that swings back and forth
the kind that make only two year olds and grandmothers sick. i ate to
many candy cottons and hotdogs and ears of elephants and i think the
gravatron is going to suck me into a black hole. azp my brain is gone.
im
sorry if i ever offended you. i am a neglectful selfish sun i hate
realizing im a moon and not a moon but just some dust and hardly that.
i play this song in my head non-stop and my teeth gnash back and forth
with anxiety to play some play and dance some dance. I will be again in
my humble rock home far from your steel city. but we should meet up
somehow and time some time some rhyme and songs of stars and earth. i
know that steel and rock are the same, everywhere i am is here and here
is there so it wont be hard but i am poor i have been a street boy for
the past four months eating of the insects and sleeping on the paved
stretches of walkway. what are you of who and we of they. i miss
knowing of your whoa and why i have as i said been of the streets and
not drifting the sea information much so i know not of the i in the you.

my response:
hello there rhinestone cowboy,
i am glad you have spoketh with thee
on the hamster wheel driven space machine. your rhymes were fat like a
sister act sequel, and that shit hasn't been spoken for since 1994.

hiding
your inwards for your outwards will create a nine inch nails album. it
is almost like the end to the beginning to the end. i'm pretty sure
when you get to the bottom there is a magical wizard waving his
tentacle arms to you screaming, "you can't hug with nuclear arms!" boy,
that guy is an asshole.

i went to an electronics shop filled
with untouched items dating back clear since 1960. the man behind the
counter spoke barely above a whisper, and his eyes shifted from the
cash register to a large plasma screen television across the way
blaring fox news. they kept talking about the economy, and the man
seemed to be sucked in to the over-dramatic representation of how some
rich douchebag believes he understands the lifestyles of middle class
americans.

your danceafied jangly walk is brilliant. we should
keep in touch. as the great stephen fry says, "all people are generally
ignorant." my brain is a frying pan filled with the pancakes that have
yet to fully form.

rock over london, rock on chicago,

holly johnson

---------------

sometimes i like to believe that i am an undercover spy or that i have the ability to randomly become some sort of secret agent within some secret organization that i created in an afternoon at blimpies over a delicious blimpie's best. i would be consuming the sandwich with delight and i would randomly start laughing with one of those manipulative "i just fucked a politician" kinds of laughs and calculating out these brilliant plans over a large 22X36 sheet of paper with a compass and one of those psychic 8 balls. that would be the television show in the making...starring david hyde pierce, of course.

2008-10-09T19:47:00.000-06:00

typical girls.

i am listening to the song "typical girls" by the slits (who are still one of my favorite pro-women bands ever), and i finally found myself having the time to post an email i received recently. i found this to be fascinating and has many good points. take it or leave it either way, but i figure it is better to post things that could be enlightening than to talk about my feelings on the economy today or to talk about work (and trust me, i am definitely happy to have a job currently). here is the post:

From: http://www.washingtonindependent.com/3671/the-reform-candidate
Submitted by Michael Wrightson on Sept 1, 2008

A note to all by Anne Kilkenny

Dear friends,

So many people have asked me about what I know about Sarah Palin in the
last 2 days that I decided to write something up . . .

Basically, Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton have only 2 things in
common: their gender and their good looks. :)

You have my permission to forward this to your friends/email contacts
with my name and email address attached, but please do not post it on

any websites, as there are too many kooks out there . . .

[ This was already posted on Washington Independent comments area,
with a controllable hotmail account, and was obviously meant by the
author to be read. ]

Thanks,
Anne

ABOUT SARAH PALIN

I am a resident of Wasilla, Alaska. I have known Sarah since 1992.
Everyone here knows Sarah, so it is nothing special to say we are on a
first-name basis. Our children have attended the same schools. Her

father was my child's favorite substitute teacher. I also am on a
first name basis with her parents and mother-in-law. I attended more
City Council meetings during her administration than about 99% of the
residents of the city.

She is enormously popular; in every way she's like the most popular
girl in middle school. Even men who think she is a poor choice and
won't vote for her can't quit smiling when talking about her because

she is a "babe".

It is astonishing and almost scary how well she can keep a secret. She
kept her most recent pregnancy a secret from her children and parents
for seven months.

She is "pro-life". She recently gave birth to a Down's syndrome baby.

There is no cover-up involved, here; Trig is her baby.

She is energetic and hardworking. She regularly worked out at the gym.

She is savvy. She doesn't take positions; she just "puts things out

there" and if they prove to be popular, then she takes credit.

Her husband works a union job on the North Slope for BP and is a
champion snowmobile racer. Todd Palin's kind of job is highly
sought-after because of the schedule and high pay. He arranges his
work schedule so he can fish for salmon in Bristol Bay for a month or

so in summer, but by no stretch of the imagination is fishing their
major source of income. Nor has her life-style ever been anything
like that of native Alaskans.

Sarah and her whole family are avid hunters.

She's smart.

Her experience is as mayor of a city with a population of about 5,000
(at the time), and less than 2 years as governor of a state with about
670,000 residents.

During her mayoral administration most of the actual work of running

this small city was turned over to an administrator. She had been
pushed to hire this administrator by party power-brokers after she had
gotten herself into some trouble over precipitous firings which had
given rise to a recall campaign.

Sarah campaigned in Wasilla as a "fiscal conservative". During her 6
years as Mayor, she increased general government expenditures by over
33%. During those same 6 years the amount of taxes collected by the

City increased by 38%. This was during a period of low inflation

(1996-2002). She reduced progressive property taxes and increased a
regressive sales tax which taxed even food. The tax cuts that she
promoted benefited large corporate property owners way more than they
benefited residents.

The huge increases in tax revenues during her mayoral administration
weren't enough to fund everything on her wish list though, borrowed
money was needed, too. She inherited a city with zero debt, but left it

with indebtedness of over $22 million. What did Mayor Palin encourage
the voters to borrow money for? Was it the infrastructure that she said
she supported? The sewage treatment plant that the city lacked? or a

new library? No. $1m for a park. $15m-plus for construction of a

multi-use sports complex which she rushed through to build on a piece
of property that the City didn't even have clear title to, that was
still in litigation 7 yrs later--to the delight of the lawyers
involved! The sports complex itself is a nice addition to the

community but a huge money pit, not the profit-generator she claimed it
would be. She also supported bonds for $5.5m for road projects that
could have been done in 5-7 yrs without any borrowing.

While Mayor, City Hall was extensively remodeled and her office

redecorated more than once.

These are small numbers, but Wasilla is a very small city.

As an oil producer, the high price of oil has created a budget surplus
in Alaska. Rather than invest this surplus in technology that will

make us energy independent and increase efficiency, as Governor she
proposed distribution of this surplus to every individual in the state.

In this time of record state revenues and budget surpluses, she
recommended that the state borrow/bond for road projects, even while

she proposed distribution of surplus state revenues: spend today's
surplus, borrow for needs.

She's not very tolerant of divergent opinions or open to outside ideas
or compromise. As Mayor, she fought ideas that weren't generated by

her or her staff. Ideas weren't evaluated on their merits, but on the
basis of who proposed them.

While Sarah was Mayor of Wasilla she tried to fire our highly respected
City Librarian because the Librarian refused to consider removing from

the library some books that Sarah wanted removed. City residents
rallied to the defense of the City Librarian and against Palin's
attempt at out-and-out censorship, so Palin backed down and withdrew
her termination letter. People who fought her attempt to oust the

Librarian are on her enemies list to this day.

Sarah complained about the "old boy's club" when she first ran for
Mayor, so what did she bring Wasilla? A new set of "old boys". Palin

fired most of the experienced staff she inherited. At the City and as

Governor she hired or elevated new, inexperienced, obscure people,
creating a staff totally dependent on her for their jobs and eternally
grateful and fiercely loyal--loyal to the point of abusing their power
to further her personal agenda, as she has acknowledged happened in the

case of pressuring the State's top cop (see below).

As Mayor, Sarah fired Wasilla's Police Chief because he "intimidated"
her, she told the press. As Governor, her recent firing of Alaska's top

cop has the ring of familiarity about it. He served at her pleasure

and she had every legal right to fire him, but it's pretty clear that
an important factor in her decision to fire him was because he wouldn't
fire her sister's ex-husband, a State Trooper. Under investigation

for abuse of power, she has had to admit that more than 2 dozen
contacts were made between her staff and family to the person that she
later fired, pressuring him to fire her ex-brother-in-law. She tried to
replace the man she fired with a man who she knew had been reprimanded

for sexual harassment; when this caused a public furor, she withdrew
her support.

She has bitten the hand of every person who extended theirs to her in
help. The City Council person who personally escorted her around town

introducing her to voters when she first ran for Wasilla City Council
became one of her first targets when she was later elected Mayor. She
abruptly fired her loyal City Administrator; even people who didn't

like the guy were stunned by this ruthlessness.

Fear of retribution has kept all of these people from saying anything
publicly about her.

When then-Governor Murkowski was handing out political plums, Sarah got
the best, Chair of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission: one

of the few jobs not in Juneau and one of the best paid. She had no
background in oil & gas issues. Within months of scoring this great
job which paid $122,400/yr, she was complaining in the press about the
high salary. I was told that she hated that job: the commute, the

structured hours, the work. Sarah became aware that a member of this
Commission (who was also the State Chair of the Republican Party)
engaged in unethical behavior on the job. In a gutsy move which some
undoubtedly cautioned her could be political suicide, Sarah solved all

her problems in one fell swoop: got out of the job she hated and
garnered gobs of media attention as the patron saint of ethics and as a
gutsy fighter against the "old boys' club" when she dramatically quit,

exposing this man's ethics violations (for which he was fined).

As Mayor, she had her hand stuck out as far as anyone for pork from
Senator Ted Stevens. Lately, she has castigated his pork-barrel
politics and publicly humiliated him. She only opposed the "bridge to

nowhere" after it became clear that it would be unwise not to.

As Governor, she gave the Legislature no direction and budget
guidelines, then made a big grandstand display of line-item vetoing
projects, calling them pork. Public outcry and further legislative
action restored most of these projects--which had been vetoed simply

because she was not aware of their importance--but with the unobservant
she had gained a reputation as "anti-pork".

She is solidly Republican: no political maverick. The State party
leaders hate her because she has bit them in the back and humiliated

them. Other members of the party object to her self-description as a
fiscal conservative.

Around Wasilla there are people who went to high school with Sarah.
They call her "Sarah Barracuda" because of her unbridled ambition and

predatory ruthlessness. Before she became so powerful, very ugly
stories circulated around town about shenanigans she pulled to be made
point guard on the high school basketball team. When Sarah's
mother-in-law, a highly respected member of the community and

experienced manager, ran for Mayor, Sarah refused to endorse her.

As Governor, she stepped outside of the box and put together of package
of legislation known as "AGIA" that forced the oil companies to march

to the beat of her drum.

Like most Alaskans, she favors drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife
Refuge. She has questioned if the loss of sea ice is linked to
global warming. She campaigned "as a private citizen" against a state
initiative that would have either a) protected salmon streams from
pollution from mines, or b) tied up in the courts all mining in the
state (depending on who you listen to). She has pushed the State's
lawsuit against the Dept. of the Interior's decision to list polar

bears as threatened species.

McCain is the oldest person to ever run for President; Sarah will be a
heartbeat away from being President.

There has to be literally millions of Americans who are more
knowledgeable and experienced than she.

However, there's a lot of people who have underestimated her and are
regretting it.

CLAIM VS FACT
•"Hockey mom": true for a few years
•"PTA mom": true years ago when her first-born was in elementary

school, not since
•"NRA supporter": absolutely true
•social conservative: mixed. Opposes gay marriage, BUT vetoed a bill
that would have denied benefits to employees in same-sex relationships
(said she did this because it was unconsitutional).

•pro-creationism: mixed. Supports it, BUT did nothing as Governor to
promote it.
•"Pro-life": mixed. Knowingly gave birth to a Down's syndrome baby
BUT declined to call a special legislative session on some pro-life

legislation
•"Experienced": Some high schools have more students than Wasilla has
residents. Many cities have more residents than the state of Alaska.
No legislative experience other than City Council. Little hands-on

supervisory or managerial experience; needed help of a city
administrator to run town of about 5,000.
•political maverick: not at all
•gutsy: absolutely!
•open & transparent: ??? Good at keeping secrets. Not good at

explaining actions.
•has a developed philosophy of public policy: no
•"a Greenie": no. Turned Wasilla into a wasteland of big box stores
and disconnected parking lots. Is pro-drilling off-shore and in ANWR.

•fiscal conservative: not by my definition!

•pro-infrastructure: No. Promoted a sports complex and park in a city
without a sewage treatment plant or storm drainage system. Built
streets to early 20th century standards.
•pro-tax relief: Lowered taxes for businesses, increased tax burden on

residents
•pro-small government: No. Oversaw greatest expansion of city
government in Wasilla's history.
•pro-labor/pro-union. No. Just because her husband works union
doesn't make her pro-labor. I have seen nothing to support any claim

that she is pro-labor/pro-union.

WHY AM I WRITING THIS?

First, I have long believed in the importance of being an informed
voter. I am a voter registrar. For 10 years I put on student voting
programs in the schools. If you google my name (Anne Kilkenny +

Alaska), you will find references to my participation in local
government, education, and PTA/parent organizations.

Secondly, I've always operated in the belief that "Bad things happen
when good people stay silent". Few people know as much as I do because

few have gone to as many City Council meetings.

Third, I am just a housewife. I don't have a job she can bump me out
of. I don't belong to any organization that she can hurt. But, I am no
fool; she is immensely popular here, and it is likely that this will

cost me somehow in the future: that's life.

Fourth, she has hated me since back in 1996, when I was one of the 100
or so people who rallied to support the City Librarian against Sarah's
attempt at censorship.

Fifth, I looked around and realized that everybody else was afraid to
say anything because they were somehow vulnerable.

CAVEATS
I am not a statistician. I developed the numbers for the increase in
spending & taxation 2 years ago (when Palin was running for Governor)

from information supplied to me by the Finance Director of the City of
Wasilla, and I can't recall exactly what I adjusted for: did I adjust
for inflation? for population increases? Right now, it is impossible

for a private person to get any info out of City Hall--they are
swamped. So I can't verify my numbers.

You may have noticed that there are various numbers circulating for the
population of Wasilla, ranging from my "about 5,000", up to 9,000. The

day Palin's selection was announced a city official told me that the
current population is about 7,000. The official 2000 census count was
5,460. I have used about 5,000 because Palin was Mayor from 1996 to

2002, and the city was growing rapidly in the mid-90's.

Anne Kilkenny
annekilkenny@hotmail.com
August 31, 2008

2008-09-25T18:42:00.000-06:00

horrible, debilitating depression.

greetings sports fans. most people in the world seem to be going through the same thing that we're going through currently. you work as much as possible (if you can even find a job in today's economy), and then you see your money vanish. poof. it's that fast. after spending gobs on groceries and bills, you almost forget that you ever had money to begin with.

you work until your dying day without a cent left to your name.

i guess i am in a bitter mood because i hate seeing the man i love beating himself up over having trouble with the economy. i beat myself up because i don't make enough to support us completely. every time we look at how little we have left after bills i feel as though i didn't do enough to keep us above water. sometimes i wonder if i should get a second job for saturday and sunday shifts. sometimes i wonder if i should just start doing as much overtime as possible. i've been feeling like i have not been doing enough to keep us out of the situation we are in. at the same time though, what else could i do? work every moment of every day? i already pull more than 40 hours a week half of time. i know that there has to be something else i could be doing though. i know there has to be another way that i could be earning us more income so that he can be happy. i just want to do whatever it takes to see him happy again. i just want to be happy again.

i don't even know what to do anymore.

i just need to get a second job. i'd only be wasting my free time anyways.

2008-09-20T11:51:00.000-06:00

don't stop 'till you get enough.

i received an email the other day from a friend about sarah palin. i personally am not the biggest eve ensler fan, but there are parts of this that are interesting. this article is definitely as in your face as you would expect from ensler, but it does have some good points. it brings up the same ideas that i had about clinton running for president. while i wanted to see a woman as president, i couldn't stomach the idea of clinton becoming president. this brings up the same ideas for palin. she may only be a vice president ticket, but it is enough to freak me out. here is the article.

Eve Ensler, the American playwright, performer, feminist and
activist best known for "The Vagina Monologues", wrote the following
about Sarah Palin.

Drill, Drill, Drill
I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence
against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and mig ht very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U .S., but of the planet. It will determine
whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the
hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

Eve Ensler
September 5, 2008

2008-08-25T22:46:00.000-06:00

the skirt.

yes. i have been crocheting a skirt for months now.

months.
and
months.

i am still not done with it, since i ran out of yarn and then made myself start working on this shirt (which i totally messed up on and am going to do something experimental with that might become either fantastic or some sort of weird bag in the end...), but it is going to be SO SUPER SWEET.

first things to say about the skirt:

a) it totally looks like the skirt any woman would ever dream of wearing while salsa dancing
b) it might be able to save world hunger
c) it has the ability to fly, help bring back literacy in the nation, and cool down any negative thoughts about manatees.
d) it will feel bad for you when you have had a bad day (and it will make sure to run you a bath so that you can relax after the bad day).

i have no idea what the hell i am going to do with this skirt.

the design is fantabulous, but i have no great ideas of how to end the skirt. the bottom portion is so far sort of repetitive, but it definitely is going to be hip if i can figure out the perfect touch. i found an amazing belt buckle for it (which is kind of expensive, but definitely worth it), and the next step is a sexy ass tan leather belt for the finishing touch. the next step after that is to strut around and wait for at least 5 people to say, "where did you get that? i think i saw it at the treasure garden..." AND THEN!!! I GET TO TELL THEM THAT THEY ARE WRONG, BECAUSE I MADE IT! i shouldn't have so much joy in being able to pull a "in your face" on someone, but it really does feel like i get in the christmas spirit every time i get to watch that peng of jealousy on a stranger's face.

if this one ends up getting enough praise, i might finally start my official etsy account filled with lots of bizarre little crocheted and knitted goodies (and yeah, i only knit based on a loom still...i'm not a knitting pro just yet). there will most likely be things such as hats, scarfs, bags, beer cozies, other forms of cozies, and pot holders. this is all definitely at my own damn leisure, since i already work a full time job, try to do shows, crochet, try to tidy up the house, and still somehow manage to try to keep the cuddlebot entertained. he tends to keep himself pretty easily entertained with books and drooling at me so that i squeal and run away. he also likes to do this thing where he starts chewing his food and then tells me to come over to him because he has to tell me something, and then he shows me a mouth of half eaten food. this has been going on my entire life, considering my mom also loves to do this to me. i need to go through some sort of class where they constantly do that same exact act to you so that you become desensitized to it and stop caring about the "see food" concept. i still think it is yucky.

also-- i was going to put up a picture of manatees swimming, and google image search gave me this:

i just got this from the national wildlife federation. i seriously want that on a shirt, because it is so freaking cute and funny all at the same time. those manatees are psychadelic happy, and that's exactly everything that i could ever hope for in a manatee.

here is also what i learned from their website (located at http://www.nwf.org/kidzone/kzPage.cfm?siteId=1&departmentId=165 ):

1. manatees are related to elephants.
2. mantees can hold air up to 20 minutes.
3. manatees can do somersaults. super awesome.

if you have not seen this mantee related site and you are not at work, then i suggest you do so because it is so pointlessly hilarious.

that's it for this edition of POINTLESSLY RANDOM INFORMATION BLOG!!!
enjoy your day and remember-- don't get pregnant, and make sure to turn the lights off before you go out for the evening.

2008-08-20T21:15:00.001-06:00

keyboard vocal tracks produced by the great producer, doctor woods.

you know what i have not seen nearly enough of these days? dancing elvises. however you pluralize a subculture of elvis impersonators is beyond me, but this is the only way i could come up with for it. i used to see them parading down the streets often in their luxuriously "to the elvis extreme" clothing wear, as well as the grandiose glasses of a 70's porn star. there is one of them out in portland, who is a street celebrity for his impersonation. he doesn't look anything like elvis, and he doesn't really have down the moves, but he gives you a real sense of comfort as you find yourself lost in the maze of chinatown. he throttles about like a turkey gizzard with his jangly legs and a "smooth feeling."

and then there was the church of elvis.

so let me start by saying that i'm not really that big of a fan of elvis. he was talented, of course, but he isn't someone that i find myself listening to all that often. the thing is, there are musicians, and then there are icons. elvis was one of (and still is) like the villian on soap operas; he never dies. ever. he's in a cloudline over the state of nebraska. he's on a cool ranch dorito chip in alberta, canada. he's on some naan in india. he's all over the fucking nation to this day and is considered a god to some people out there.

which brings me to the church of elvis.

that place was amazing. first, you had to go through this old business building up some old and narrow staircase to a door that had that classic frosted glass look to the mirror. the woman that ran the shop said we could come in and give us the grand tour. right off the bat you got the sensation that the place was going to be weird.

it was totally weird.

for one, there is hardly any elvis. it went from a giant 7-11 stand up cardboard poster of an angel (with wings that moved, mind you), holding a giant slurpee. from what i can recall, a train set went around this item, as well as some other random stand-up posters, weird collectable toys (like my little pony and whatnot), and bizarre posters of random and various things. you finally get to the shrine room where there is a giant cardboard stand-up poster of elvis and there is yet more bizarre things lining the entirety of the shrine and room. she asked me if i wanted to get married in there, and i told her i already was. she looked at me and said, "you could get married again for only $40 dollars." i laughed and said no again, and i think it really pissed her off after that. my friend tyler was with me who had been there so many times that he knew all the answers to the trivia questions that she asked us, and fromt that point on i could tell that she was infuriated.

we got to the end of the tour and we asked about buying merchandise. instead she kicked us out and yelled shitheads (or something like that) at us. we all couldn't stop laughing, because we decided she was the most awesome person we had ever met. we didn't know what we did wrong, but we loved the method that she kicked us out. most importantly, she had the most bizarre and amazing collection of everything that i never knew i actually knew about...EVER. she even had the elvis atm set up outside where you could have elvis answer random questions for you. is there anything more fantastic and extreme as that?

but alas...the church has been closed for some time now. the dancing elvises must have felt that same pang of sadness and gave up their quest at being street celebrities*.

*by saying celebrity, i am meaning cult followed celebrity, not "who is the father of my baby" sort of national inquirer celebrity status.

--i should also mention that nothing can make me laugh harder than this:

2008-07-17T17:42:00.000-06:00

borrowed intelligence.

i've been trying to read more and to not shut off my brain when people talk.

you have no idea how difficult it is for me to focus on people talking.

usually as someone begins to say anything (such as trying to explain to me an answer to a question), i only think of other things.

"i wonder what dave foley is doing these days."

"god, i need to fix my car."

"all i want is to go home and sleep for another 20 minutes."

"depeche mode used to be so much more comical than serious."

then i hit the trail end of the statement or explanation, and they always ask, "do you know what i mean," or "do you understand what i am saying?"

i always lie and say yes, despite the fact that i didn't really hear anything that they said.

i wonder why i always do that.

2008-07-05T14:03:00.000-06:00

how to be stalked without knowing it.

i don't know why, but i have been stalked many times in my life.

i had to go to a school counselor once in high school because this girl was stealing things and giving me them as gifts. that would not have been so bad, except she would give them to me at work. every shift. it got to the point where my boss asked, "why is this freak bothering you every day?" i started crying and said that i didn't know and i wished she would leave me alone. then she started sitting outside my bedroom window at 1 AM knocking. i would get to the window and she would be there. one of the last times we spoke she said, "i took a bunch of pills and tried to bike to your house. i fell in a ditch on the way here, but here i am." i looked at her weirdly and asked why, and she said, "i just needed to know how you were doing."
then my dad finally went up to her in the driveway of one of these visits and told her to leave me alone or he would call the authorities.

these things happen to me. i don't know why exactly. in her case, i think it was because i was the only person in this one class that bothered to treat her kindly. then it went from that to people i tutored in guitar during high school.

for one, the only reason why i was a guitar tutor is because my parents wanted me to take an extra semester of high school because, "i was too involved with trouble and we need to set her straight." the music instructor for the class and i had known each other for years, but i would not say we were on too friendly of terms. we got along fine, but i confronted him on how i felt his behavior towards some of the women in my class seemed inappropriate, and after that we did not get along too well.

point being...

i have seen some of these boys that i tutored back when since. two of them are my friends to this day and are men who i consider to be kind and funny. one of them admitted to me in the last year that, "all the boys had a crush on me back then because of the obvious fact that i was a year or two older, at age seventeen, and they were all in their blossoming freshmen and sophomore years of high school." he also said, "do you blame us? in a class dominated by young men you were this developed woman that wailed on a guitar." while that is definitely flattering and makes me feel like quite the vixen (heh heh heh!), it also makes me feel a little odd knowing that i had become the "hot for teacher" woman for them all. both of these guys have been honest with me about how they felt back then, and of course how i am basically that older sister to them now. they don't make me feel uncomfortable. then there are these two guys.

the first guy plays music still in a bunch of weird hippie bands locally. i personally cannot stand the style of music he has been involved with currently, but i do respect him still playing. the last times i have ever ran into him though, i felt extraordinarily uncomfortable. the first time he went off about how he had a dreams about me constantly and how i made him want to try to succeed as a musician. on one hand, it is flattering to think that you inspire someone. on the other, when they mention the whole "dreaming" part, you feel incredibly awkward.
then he says how he's always wanted me and that we should go out. he mentions how he's seen me around town and that he's just been waiting to make his move.
eeww. gross.
after he went off on his creepy tangent of all this crap, i finally said i had to go home and meet my beautiful and wonderful fiance for dinner. i said, "he's just the greatest thing, and i love him so much. i could honestly never dream of being with ANYONE ELSE." i took off quickly and made my friend brent assist me to my car (which he did so greatly and nicely, since he knows that i am a freak magnet).

then there was last night. this guy shows up at this party i was at with my fiance. for one, he wasn't invited. two, one of the hosts was making fun of him and he didn't even get the picture. then i made the mistake of laughing at something and someone said my name. he overheard and said, "holly? is that you? oh shit, i can't believe it is you." he goes off about how we went to high school together and tells me about 20 times over and over that, "i've seen you at the cafe. i tell all the staff that i know you. i tell them i know you and that you know how to play guitar." this is disturbing because a) i've only been to the cafe about three times in the last two years, and b) because he continually repeated this over and over again. at some point i point towards my partner and said, "this is my fiance. we really have to get going home since it is getting late." the man (keep in mind my partner is standing RIGHT BY ME) had the gall to go off about how i was still really hot and, "i look so young" or whatever. this made me pissed off. at this point i was staring around me for help because i was otherwise going to start getting violent if he didn't leave me alone. of course my sweetie comes up and saves me from him with a great interruption about having to work on some intense drawing in microstation, and the man finally left us all alone.

so this is what i am curious about...why?
why do people feel this intense need to follow another person around? is it the desire to know what the person is like outside of their regular encounters?
is it to imagine being that person?
is it to have fantasties about them or catch them doing something hilarious or dirty?

i cannot comprehend this kind of behavior. i don't understand why both of these guys admitted to me about following me around and mentioning that they have these desires of me because, to be honest, i don't think most people would take that as a sign that this person is a great catch. i'm always great with having a certain level of compliments from someone, and it is nice to feel so flattered, but it isn't great being stalked. it just makes me feel uncomfortable to go anywhere downtown.

the good thing though is that i live a wonderful life with a wonderful man. no matter how many people want to follow me around to see what i am doing in my free time, i think they are only going to see those two things on a consistent basis. there's no lindsey lohan parties or crazy girls gone wild happening in my free time. there's nothing too entertaining for anyone but my partner and i. considering this, i suggest that they find a new hobby or find out why they feel this desire to follow other people in the first place and try to remedy it with spending more time taking care of themselves.

2008-06-18T19:03:00.000-06:00

updating.

so i have been neglecting you, oh beloved blog.

it as if you were a one night stand.
you waited.
i waited.
we were making night moves, baby.
...but now i am back.

so what to state about the current affairs of my existance...currently no real changes, actually. that has been bothering me lately. the idea that i could speak of my week as being the same thing for every day is starting to get far too repetitious. i always say i am going to do things and never bother because of lack of time and money. that's one thing that i can say about myself that i definitely cannot understand. besides all of these things though, there are good things.
for one, i've been listening to a lot of great music that i have not listened to in awhile (or never before). the song that i keep putting on repeat though is lcd soundsystem's "all my friends" off of sound of silver. that song is so fantastic.
so, i guess it is time for me to make more goals that i should be doing, but probably won't for a long time. i really want to do all these things though. for sure.

travel. get the hell out of here for at least a couple of days. i deserve to get out of the u.s. for awhile and see the world. everyone else i have spoke to lately tells me these amazing stories, but it only makes me long for the traveler in me. it is hard to see the beauty in where you are sometime until you leave it for awhile and make comparisons in your mind between the two.

take on a martial art. yeah. i just want to start kicking some ass.

make a website for the comics i've been making. that one is sort of in the works...kind...of...

write some new songs for the upcoming show i've got (and thank you jeff for that. i really needed to get back to playing shows).

write some new songs for the upcoming wedding i'm playing (and thanks and congrats to matt and lindsey...i'm so excited for you both!)

get some time to myself. just a couple of hours a week, at least. this is what i've been longing. it may sound silly, but i will go into the whole depth of it.

this used to be my life.

11:00 AM. wake up
11:30 AM eat a meal of vegetables cooked in a ginger sauce, take my constitution (i keep this open to your own interpretation, since i love to wonder what people assume that means), and grab my headphones.
12:00 reach coffee stop destination with pad of paper, pen, cigarettes, and headphones still on.
1:30 finally stop doodling and chain smoking and leave the coffee shop
2:00 play music while walking through the north end of boise to make some extra spending money
4:00 get on bike, ride 6 miles to work
10:30 get out of work, ride 6 miles back to home
11:00 head down to the sotano to see a band play (with two pizza's in tow, since that was my cover money the whole time)
2:00 get to sleep

now, while this may seem like a ridiculous schedule to go off about as being fantastic, it really was. i forget about how great that schedule was. i used to actually complain about this schedule because i got out of work a little late, but it was wonderful to sleep in and have all the time in the world to waste on various random things. i would love to have just one week of that schedule. just one. again. the amount of music and creativity that i had back then...i felt like hunter s. thompson without the drug addictions. i had all these great ideas constantly.

outside of this...you know what i find fascinating? lolspeak. i never thought i would do it, but sometimes i catch myself saying something in lolspeak. it is weird how that happens to you after hours of icanhascheezburger.com .

ANYWAYS. hope you all are having a great week! i sure as hell am!

2008-05-06T21:15:00.000-06:00

hard times at ridgemont high.

while i was outside working in the garden, i started to think about my day. it started out so cheerful, and then i felt humiliated and rejected at work. it was awful. the worst thing about it is that i know i try so damned hard, but i feel as though i tend to get the short end of the stick constantly throughout work and life in general. i know i have to wait things out though and see if they will change for the better, and especially because i've worked so hard to get to where i am. at the same time though, i'm so ready to give up and do something else entirely. i just don't know what. i should have went to the gym today too, but instead i worked out at home. that alone makes me feel like even more of a slacker.

i don't even know what is wrong right now. i'm just so sad. i think it is because everyone else is getting a party thrown for them, or some form of recognition. i get crap at work, then more work, then sleep. i can't remember the last time i got anything for myself, except for a $2.00 sandwich for lunch. i got in the car, listened to this god awful news story, then more news about myanmar, and then waited until it turned 4:45 so i could get in the car and cry. instead i sat in traffic, got home, and continually thought about what the hell i really want out of life right now.
that made me cry even more, because i don't know what i want. i don't know what i want to do. i don't know when i'll even have the time to take off for myself and give myself a real vacation. all i want is a day that is all my own where i don't have to do a damned thing for anyone else. the first step is to get my bike fixed up and ready to go. the next is to start biking everywhere. i'll go to all the parties, of course. i just am never going to expect anything back in return, because i guess no one else thinks i deserve anything. keep in mind that i know i am whining, and i apologize. i am just really freaking upset right now about having such an awful day. all i want to do now is get involved with the bike race coming up and start working on the garden. then the album. eventually i will finally have the funds to go get my eyesight checked, get some meds to keep me focused again and just be the drone that everyone loved so much better. maybe i'm not all that intelligent though and have kept myself in a delusional state all these years to keep myself going. the truth of it all is that i have no room to complain. there are people out there still missing in myanmar, and there are thousands without food or shelter. i'm sounding so spoiled and selfish with these trains of thought. when i have a bad day though, it just makes all these emotions and strings of ridiculous self ridicule come out. i guess i should be facing all of this and realizing that maybe everyone else deserves to have a party thrown for them because they've done a lot more than i ever have, and the fact that i even began writing this just shows how ungrateful and selfish i can be. i guess i really can be a bitch. ugh. if i can make it through this week, then everything will be fine. i just need to get some sign that everything i've worked for in my life isn't pointless.

2008-04-21T16:34:00.000-06:00

i alt-3 your cheeseburger.

i love this shirt like i love tater tots.

so it sounds like there should be a great show at 208 this thursday. i recommend all going to it. pussygutt + new thrill parade + nollifer. lots of fun for cheap! yay!

i also FINALLY found my swimming suit. this makes me so happy, cause now i can actually got hang out in the co-ed sauna at the gym. that is the big requirement with those folks for such things. after that, i could go sit in the spa! what bliss!
not only that, but my swimming suit is all sorts of retro and sexxxy! rarr!

well, i suppose i should end this and take care of the laundry. remember to floss! peace out!

2008-04-11T15:01:00.000-06:00

pulling weeds from the backyard: part one of the conquest

after spending a good hour in the backyard pulling weeds, i have come up with my list of things that are my ultimate nemesis.

1. the pill bug.

okay, this pesky little bastard doesn't seem to do much except get in the way. well, and i assume they eat the roots of the plants or something. either way, they roll into this little ball like, "hey bitch, you can't tell i'm here" sort of stuff. assholes.

2. buttonweed

this shit is the most irritating kind of weed you can imagine. i'm pretty sure that if god exists, he will make sure this stuff grows all over my grave just in spite. the worst thing about it is i'm pretty sure you could pour gas all over this and then burn it and it will STILL survive. i pulled the pesky buggers out of the ground by the root last year and they've come pack three times as badly this year. i just poured a bunch of vinegar over this stuff to see what happens, so cross your fingers that it might do the trick. most likely not. stupid buttonweed.

3. dandelions

i don't actually mind the dandelions as much. they have a bit of a charm to the landscape of hell that i call the back yard. while they mock me with their damn seed pods that scatter just by looking at them, they at least add some color to the landscape. it's like finding the bottle of shiraz in the mix of MD 20/20

4. earwigs

these things are fucking scary looking. just look at them! not only that, but they do a number on your yard. they must mate like crazy too, since one day i'll see one of them, then the next day there will be around 30 BILLION of them. assholes.

while i have basically had no effect on the yard as of yet, i am assuming that one of these things will eventually kill out the other elements and then i can hopefully conquer one thing vs. four things. then...victory shall be mine!
in conclusion, i also am FINALLY feeling pretty much 100% better. it has taken over a damned month, but i woke up this morning feeling pretty good. i still sleep a lot more than i ever imagined of myself, but i am definitely feeling as though i am coming through the fog of this stupid illness. i also should mention that i have concluded that today is holly day and i will start celebrating by drinking a cocktail here in a bit. salute!

2008-04-01T22:00:00.000-06:00

april fools day, suckas.

this story is indeed true. this is not an april fools day joke.
earlier i saw a kid biking down the street pulling a trash can behind him. the trash can was on this weird wheeled apparatus that must have been built from scratch, and the rope between the bike and the can was roughly about 6 feet long. the kid was riding the can down the street and doing all sorts of crazy tricks. he got the thing to jump up some curbs, and he even got it to go up this homemade ramp. then the kid barely missed this sign, but the can caught the sign. the kid went flying off his bike and yelled various things that might have been profanity (but i'm not totally sure, 'cause i had my headphones on). i went up to the kid and made sure he was okay, and he stated that "i probably shouldn't do that anymore." i said, "i don't know, i think you should. it was the funniest thing i've seen all day."
then the kid started laughing.

the end.

2008-03-31T15:53:00.000-06:00

the winter is coming and you have no time to waste.

good afternoon folks! while daleks totally scare the living bejesus out of me, i sure do enjoy this version of a dalek just wanting to get down and have fun! i havn't been on the whole ipod bandwagon like everyone else (still don't own one yet, and i am still using the old fashioned discman to this day), but i sure do enjoy the silliness that is the dalek ipod picture.
so, as most of you have probably figured out recently, we've been riding the doctor who train (or tardis, should i say?) all the way to couch potato town. i hate to admit to it, but even my dreams lately have come back to the doctor. it is rather fascinating that such a show has captured my interest so deeply. i used to have a real passionate love for the x files back in the day, but i have been waiting to find a show that could captivate me just as much. it looks as though this just might be the right medicine for me. here is my long awaited (and ultimately geeky) rant on all the doctors and my opinion of each thus far.

william hartnell
when it comes to starting off the longest running science fiction series of all time, he is definitely the best candidate. hartnell doesn't seem to be as delightful and witty as the other doctors, but he definitely is intelligent. hartnell reminds me of my grandfather (and for good reason, considering he is called "the grandfather" a lot, as well as the doctor). he seems a lot more agitated and grumpy, and not as compassionate as many of the other doctors. however, he can become just as loving and caring as your grandparents can after seeing that you are hungry and could use a bite to eat. he isn't the type that will leave anyone astray, but he will not seem as outgoing to take care of everyone around him. he definitely is just as inquistive in character, but he tends to come across weaker than some of the other doctors. the thing that is amazing about him is the fact that he is the beginning of a legacy, and that william hartnell himself has a history that cannot be completely tracked down, supposedly. many people have attempted to find out his legacy, but much of it is supposedly heresay. he attempted to keep much of his life a secret and made up a large portion of his past because he was raised by his mother and aunt, without ever knowing who his father was. he served in world war II and took on many army roles outside of this show, but his fandom was gained specifically based on his role as the first doctor. he supposedly was not the easiest guy to work with and some considered him to bit a bit harsh, but he was remembered as being wise and having a very well known presense by the producers of the show.

patrick troughton
i don't know what it is about troughton, but he's one of my favorite doctors. i think it is the fact that he tends to care SO MUCH about his companions. he's the first doctor to seem to have a somewhat fun personality about him. i wouldn't say that he is nearly as outgoing and silly as tom baker, but he is definitely a likeable character. he's the type of guy that if your friend was being an annoying wank and you needed someone to talk to, he'd probably be your guy. if you recognize troughton, it might be from the robin hood series, in which he was the star. he also served in world war II and came back to the theater after he served his time. he was also in the scarlet pimpernel, which you probably have seen if you were forced to watch it in school like i was. it was actually a pretty neat role for him, from what i remember. as sydney newman came up with for troughton's version as the doctor, he is a "cosmic hobo" or "charlie chaplain look alike." i'm one of the few people that i know that actually finds some chaplain stuff entertaining, so perhaps this is why i like troughton. well, that and supposedly he was easy to work with and an upstanding guy, as well as a practical joker. he's the type of guy that you could handle having as a boss, since he'd have some form of direction and actually care about how you are doing.

jon pertnee

pertnee is an interesting fit for the doctor. i personally have always seen him as the rod stewart of the doctor cycle. he's got this sort of weird charisma that i honestly don't know how to describe. he's got this sort of sexy way about him that seems sort of weird for me to say, considering he isn't remotely close to my age. the thing about him is that a) sarah jane cared about him, and that alone makes him a badass and b) his outfits are supreme! he was the first doctor to break the three season cycle as a doctor and instead was on for five seasons. he embraced his role as the doctor and actually made a version of the doctor who theme song with lyrics titled, "who is the doctor?" other than that, he's the type of guy that i would imagine to feed his cat from a goblet, and he would drink brandy constantly. that sort of makes him a badass, right? i'd definitely consider him to seem that way.

tom baker
okay, so as you probably guessed, this is my all time favorite doctor. he's funny, he has that amazing british charm, and he has that freaking sweet scarf and dog k9. what ISN'T awesome about tom baker? not only that, but he is the narrator for the show little britain! i love that show! so, as you probably guessed, tom baker knows how to party. he could drink any of you under the table, and he isn't ashamed to admit to it. he also was married to one of his companions (romana) for a short period of time. he is supposed to be a really funny and silly kind of guy. he also has been stated to enjoy david tennant's portrayal of the doctor, and he rarely is voted down from the #1 position of being "the best doctor of all time." i honestly shouldn't admit to this, but i find myself having a slight crush on tom baker as the doctor. why? he's just a classic figure of british television, and for good reason. who else would have been considered for the role of gandalf for lord of the rings? no one else but tom baker. i personally would love to see him redoing the song "shaft" and changing it to "baker"...it'd be so freaking hilarious...and true! what a sexy space bohemian, right?

peter davison
davison has always thrown me off in a way. he definitely was a great doctor, but he didn't seem to feel the same about human's as tom baker did. tom baker LOVED the earth and humanity. davison seemed to despise earthlings and found them to be idiotic. he is to this day the youngest doctor of them all (he was 29 when he started the role). in the mini-episode called "time crash", you will see davison and tennant meeting by accident. what fun! he also, to me, comes across as being the most human of all the doctors. as a whole, he definitely was a good match for his age, and he had a charm about him that was definitely noticed. i would say that he was the type that would be perfect for a younger audience wanting to adapt to the show, considering he is young and fresh. he also is a popular actor in europe, and so he was definitely someone that they had to really go through some effort to achieve in the doctor lineup. he was great at playing an intelligent and stronger willed doctor than what i've witnessed in some of the others. he's the type of guy that i'd definitely want to work on my computer, but i kind of am not sure i would have tons to talk about at first. i bet after awhile though he'd be a pretty cool guy that would sit around and drink hamms while installing a new hard drive. that isn't too bad, right?

colin baker
i would like everyone to know that this is by far the most sassy doctor ever. you can take "sassy" wherever you want to, but he definitely has that. i should probably say more about him, but i honestly can't think of anything else to say. he is just. damned. sassy.

sylvester mccoy
you know, i get mccoy a hard rap. it really depends on the era that you are watching of him. in the beginning, he acted much more like a clown in his role. that bugged the living crapload out of me. later on though, he becomes much more dark and mysterious, which makes him a damned fine doctor! let me just say though...that sweater will always make me feel a little itchy inside. the umbrella though could possibly save people from caves. who knows how or why, but i swear it could. that, and look at his general demeanor! he screams the type of guy that you'd invite to the party that would probably lick his finger and stick it in someone's ear. depending on your personality, that could save your reputation.

paul mcgann
i honestly have nothing to say about him, cause i've never seen the movie. i hope to sometime. look at how blue he looks in this picture! i guess he was supposed to be a pretty great doctor though, and he fought to keep the same theme music, so i definitely like him for that. yay!

christopher eccleston
dude, could you be any cooler? honestly? for one, he's a little sarcastic. however, he's intelligent and strong. i honestly would never hope to be in a fight with him. i mean, he was in 28 days later. we're talking one of the characters that survived after all the shit went down. he's the type of doctor that might not seem to be all about thinking deeply at that very second (lets just say that guts come before brains sometimes), but damn...once he gets it, he sure is fun about it! next time i ever have to get in a fight where someone just freaks out the asshole with a simple catch phrase and a smile, i'm bringing eccleston with me!

david tennant
it is a toss up for me between tom baker and david tennant as my favorite doctors, and here is why....have you ever seen two people that have been waiting for years to become that role? david tennant dreamed of becoming the doctor since age three, and he has went out of his way to be involved in doctor who before he even became the doctor. outside of this, he is fun, witty, and at times can seem slightly human in his compassion for his companions (especially rose; not as much with martha). he also is incredibly handsome and silly, and somewhat reminds me of conan o'brien. i have no idea why. he actually does some of his own writing and basically lives the role of the doctor because he loves the show so. damned. much.
that alone makes him a top on the rocking the tardis list!

as for now, you can truly gloat to the three people you will ever meet in the states that actually care this much about doctor who. until then folks, keep your eyes to the skies!

i'm still down with the sickness

2008-03-15T01:49:00.004-06:00

and i'm not even talking about disturbed or godsmack, or whatever the fuck band put out that horrible atrocity that is actually considered, "music."

i am talking about my sinus infection.

since my birthday on monday, i have been struck down by the fun that is being ill. not the fun sort of, "dude, i am SO ill, bro" kind of thing. this involves me sleeping a lot, losing my voice, and basically struggling to stay awake for longer than an 15 minutes while someone is talking to me. this sounds kind of pathetic, but i'm actually finally getting a little creeped out by it.

why, you may ask?

i am sick of being sick! i just want to go outside and be able to be free and play like kids and puppies do. look at these kids and puppies playing.

don't they look happy? want to know why? CAUSE THEY ARE NOT SICK!
the good news is that the worst of it is over. i've got a plan as to how to wipe away the annoying behavior of this sinus infection with various home remedies. i know what you all are thinking too. why don't you just go to a doctor? well, since i am without a job and living on unemployment, i'm just barely scraping by. after paying bills and paying student loans (which are private loans, so i can't defer), it leaves me with hardly a dime to really do much else. that, and i'm not the type to go to the doctor unless i absolutely have to. i've been looking for a job hardcore lately, although being this sick has led to me having a struggle with being nearly as motivated as i usually would be. i've still been going to interviews and looking for a job online, but i usually would dedicate more time in a day to each thing. today has been a struggle when it comes to keeping myself awake, but it has seemed as though i might be getting through the worst of it. there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel with this crap. on the other plus side, i've been finding more opportunities out there for work, and it has helped me get out of some of the funk that i have been feeling with the job market. my parents have been really supportive, which has been wonderful. i could use support anywhere i can get it. it's nice to receive, for sure.

anyways, back to those home remedies.

so, for those of you that have been struck down with a sinus infection, here are some things that i have found that are bound to help you out:

1. lots and lots of garlic. supposedly garlic will help with sinus issues. i don't know why, and frankly i don't feel like researching it, since i figure you the reader are on the internet reading this already anyways and have the ability to type it in your google browser yourself, damn it.

2. foot baths.

3. horseradish.

4. vitamin c.

5. vitamin b.

that's it.

when i was a kid, my mom used to take care of these problems with a method that now i wonder about. to me, it honestly seems to be an easy way to kill brain cells, but it actually did work. she would take a dry dish cloth and put a small dab of rubbing alcohol on it. then she would take the cloth and put onto my chest before i went to bed. i would lay usually on my belly with the cloth still on my chest, allowing the alcohol to soak into the skin and most likely breathed in to some degree. while this seems totally screwed up, since you are breathing in rubbing alcohol, it did actually have this method of making the coughing cease and the nasal passages to clear. i would wake up the next day and cough up all the sick shit that you've got to get out of your system, and i would go on these massive and awesome fights with mr t.

he seems like a good candidate for president based on this photo.

despite this lengthy and pointlessly long drivel, i have decided that it is time for me to hit the hay and see about making a revolution in my sleep. take care everyone, and remember to watch more doctor who, 'cause it kicks ass.

and all my instincts, they've returned

2008-03-08T16:07:00.002-07:00

i am sitting here in a library, writing away on here without any real train of thought.
just watching words form on a screen.
words.
words like, oh...
fragments
calculus
portals
exterminate
polynomial
function
personification

there are some words for you. right...there.
and there.
and now there too.

i drank more last night than i have in awhile. it was nice to get out and let loose of some inhibitions though. i rarely let myself get too wild and crazy, so it is nice to have that escape every so often.

i keep looking at this sign that says, "microforms"...and all i keep thinking about is how awesome it would be to go in there and start collecting various ones on file.

for example, imagine finding microforms of various subjects of the past that you never got to live through. OR! maybe things that you were too young to remember. mine would be mostly made up of the eruption of mount st. hellens, or perhaps some coverage on the election of president carter. i got no real reasoning behind that one except that i bet there were some fun political cartoons during that era that i've yet to see.

this microforms machine is telling you that you're not alone anymore.
oooh. sexy.

anyways, so this is the big news of the day for me.
it looks like bjork has pissed off china. oops!
sorry i said the name of a country aloud!
a country that you happened to invade back in 1951 (tibet) and claim as your own personal historical territory happens to be a sore issue for you? really? it'd be one thing if she said something like, "i feel that what is happening to the tibetan people is unjust and immoral," but all that she said was "TIBET!"
so...what you are saying now is that we cannot say the name of a country that you own within your country.
really.
so, does this mean that i can't say "puerto rico" aloud? considering we are attempting to make it a state? considering it is considered a US unincorporated organized territory? while i know this comparison is far different than what tibet is to china, i still find the idea to be somewhat similar. i understand the idea of getting upset by someone speaking their mind about a sore issue within the country that has ownership of tibet (except for small portions that are lead by india), but to take it to the extreme where if the name of a country is said aloud that you are actually in some sort of legal trouble, then how is that supposed to work? how are we to ever learn from our mistakes or know anything about the world around us? i understand that the issue is extreme enough that it is illegal to fly a tibetan flag in the people's republic of china, and from that alone it doesn't seem unlikely that this was seen as something so shocking and upsetting. the thing i don't get, (and i guess it is an american mindset, so it possibly will seem outrageous) is that they havn't learned to move on. they have want they wanted. what else could they ask for? why is it so wrong to speak the name of something you claim to have? why is it so wrong to introduce an idea into someone's subconsious? i've mentioned previously though...i definitely have the american mindset of free speech and democracy, so this might seem sided based on those sorts of standards. the whole thing really fascinates me.

off the subject again...
i keep staring at the circulation desk and thinking how much i would love that sort of job. it seems so relaxing and relatively stress free. this guy has been reading a book for the last 40 minutes and sitting at his computer. he seems to give off no levels of stress to the position. it looks sort of cluttery, like some sort of giant library experiment. that is one of my favorite and weirdest passions is filing things. organizing files. finding books. recommending other books. shit...you know, sometimes i wonder if i should go back to school and go for a literary science major. while part of me would most likely hate the politics of some of the people that are in that kind of field, i know that i could highly enjoy digesting many different subjects of text within a day. i'd feel as though i were educating myself on a regular basis, and that is a definite highlight for me to imagine. i always attempt to learn as much as i can on a regular basis, but sometimes i feel as though it is the same regurgitated material. either way, this is the end of this train of thought. have a good day!

2008-03-03T16:37:00.000-07:00

rock over london, rock on chicago.

7 days until my 25th birthday.
what a weird feeling....

i am currently going through all of my music. i have a lot more music than i actually realized. geez! the good thing is that a lot of this stuff is definitely considered music i enjoy. some of it not as much, but who cares.

yesterday was lots of fun! we ran into good friends and ended up going to this really great sushi party. delightful! the best part about it was seeing darrin and kathy in such great spirits. i talked to a lot of great people and took the time out to listen to their stories. it was very nice. there was definitely moments of feeling uncomfortable, but i've realized that there really isn't much i can do about that anyways. that, and it just shows that i'm a great person if i can look in the face of an uncomfortable moment and not let it bother me. so...good! right? good!

well, as for now, i'm getting back to my crossword puzzle. yay!

2008-03-01T18:06:00.003-07:00

OH! AND!
all i want for my birthday is this shirt!
http://www.pbfcomics.com/images/Things-Shirts.jpg

unicorn power!

well, and maybe these glasses too:
http://www.modcloth.com/store/Womens/Accessories/Eyewear/
Virtual+80s+Sunglasses

catching up

2008-03-01T17:32:00.002-07:00

seattle did happen. the city was filled with a plethora of hipsters and scenesters looking for the next big something to go against. the trip was definitely an adventure, despite the feelings of the competitive nature that seattle seemed to make me feel. in pendleton, i witnessed a redneck fight outside of a denny's. it was definitely a gratifying feeling to watch some angry drunk "i'm beating it off while listening to godsmack" crew rocking out the moons over my hammy for us all. anyways, moving on from that to something more on the "i needs to talk about this" mode, we will go here.

first off: my bloody valentine is touring again and coming out with an album of some of the material that kevin shields has been hiding away since 1991-1994, which should be an exciting listen for shoegaze fans alike. i nearly pissed myself at the thought of hearing some new my bloody valentine. not only that, but they are TOURING again! i'm damned ready to travel anywhere in the u.s. to see that band play! i mean...holy freaking fuck!

second: i've had a lot of trains of thought today. my brain has been buzzing around the concept of relationships with ourselves to the ones that we have with friends. the funny thing that i came across in my mind was how close i am with myself. i tend to talk in my head constantly in such a manner that it is as if i was talking to myself or feeding my brain. everything tends to have so much purpose in all the actions that i take within my head. how about when i talk to my friends? does it reach that kind of pinnacle or climactic climax? i think i tend to not say nearly as much to them as i do to myself. on one hand, this might be an issue that i should be noticing about myself and attempting to change. on the other, i find it to be rather intimate and realistic. i find it reassuring to think that i know what to use as stimulating conversation for my brain on a regular basis. it is almost as if i am doing a current update on my computer, for example. keeping up with all the latest updates as to what to interpret as the world around me, and what i can consider worthy enough as recognized memory.
third: i was just listening to my friend's cd, and i had to give some major appreciation for the work. if you've ever listened to jeremy from boise's "it's called finishing", then you will know what i'm talking about. i remember when this album came out and i saw jeremy play some shows around that same time...and the music was incredible. this album is incredible. i also highly recommend his other projects (along with his amazing and very talented son) playing in these bands as well: moto photos and monster dudes. absolutely fantastic!

i suppose it is time for me to do something a bit more motivating. time to get back into reading a book! have a great day, everyone!

well, i thought it was going to be onward seattle...

2008-02-22T19:26:00.002-07:00

i was supposed to go to seattle today, but i think the plans might have changed (and i hope everything is okay). shucks though. i was looking forward to seeing the sites again. i havn't been there in years, but i suppose i can always go there on my own time, if not.

in other news:

have a good day!

you know...

2008-02-17T13:00:00.002-07:00

...i love you. i don't tell you enough how much i appreciate you, and that is ridiculous on my part.

what i am trying to say here is that i am willing to learn how to talk about what i feel to you. i've not been great at telling you what i feel, and i admit to that. i admit to the fact that i should be telling you right then and there if i am upset instead of bottling it up inside. i've been sad about some of the silliest things. i DO need to talk to someone about it, and i know it. my biggest issue is that here i am, finally willing to admit to myself that i need to get some help, but i've hit this brick wall for months where it is hard to get myself to go in and talk to someone about everything i feel. here is some of what has been bothering me though, and i figure i should write it down.

1. despite the fact that it has been years now, i have always felt it has been my fault for a number of things outside of my control. when we argue, i feel as though i am recycling through the same dangerous and immature thoughts in my mind that made me struggle through so many various issues. then i shut down and simply can't talk. i start feeling worthless and like a complete jerk (which isn't your fault at all), but will only be perceived as such because of the nature of the moment. it is, in fact, me thinking things such as, "how do i continually not say what is on my mind, and why am i so afraid to say what i think and feel? why do i continually destroy the things that matter to me most based on this behavior?" the thing that scares me is that i feel as though it has been my fault for making my last marriage end because of poor communication. i know it wasn't just that, and either way i am happy that it ended. the thing that makes me so scared is that i'm just going to do all the same things over again that i did wrong the first time. i'm so happy about getting married, but at the same time i am so incredibly scared that i'm just going to fuck it all up again. i don't want to do that. most importantly, i know deep down that the fact i'm taking blame for any of what happened is fucking insane. yet i do. i always feel guilty for everything, and i never know why. i'm done with feeling guilty. i'm ready to get over taking myself for granted, and most importantly, taking you for granted. i'm ready to have a good time and let my guard down.

2. i'm struggling with getting older. silly, huh? i'm going to be 25 soon, and i've already been divorced. i've already made so many stupid mistakes in my life, and i'm so frightened that i'm only going to do the same thing again. everyone around me is going through divorces, and it freaks me out. i don't want that to happen to us. most importantly, i don't want to hurt you. ever. i know we will hurt each other's feelings on accident from time to time, because that is unfortunately part of being in a relationship. i do, however, want to help that not happen as much as i can.

the happiest moments have been with you. i love you so much, and i love who you are. i don't want that to change, and i don't want you to feel as though you have to change for me. ever. please don't try to change anything about you or fear saying things around me. just be yourself. i love you for who you are. my issue is to learn to stop feeling guilty for everything...and i mean everything. things that are out of my control. things that other people are going through. possibly talking about something that upsets me, and learning to deal with the fact that it might hurt someone's feelings at first. i'm always trying to make everyone happy, and i know this is completely unreasonable. i will end this with the most important thing to say, i suppose. i can live without you, because i have lived on my own for a long time. i've done a great job at taking care of myself. the thing is, i don't want to live without you. i love sharing my life with yours. i want us to be a comfortable, happy, and well communicative family unit. i'll do whatever it takes to help make this happen.

all your weariness, all your lonely dreams, don't they seem to fade away?

2008-02-11T14:32:00.000-07:00

first, let me say that, "the list" is just as irritating as "the secret".

next: hillary clinton is going insane! wooo!!! way to go insane!

next: i am SO HAPPY that obama is kicking some ass! i am crossing my fingers that he keeps collecting delegates like paris hilton collects sexually transmitted infections!

outside of this, i would like to report that as of today, the weather is very nice outside and i am going to go there now. who knows when i'll even bother coming back home. it's too nice not to enjoy.

bye!

2008-02-03T15:59:00.000-07:00

gosh, why am i so sad? i've been out of sorts for days. i finally got my period, yet i feel worse than ever.

at least i saw the most awesome movie, "the lives of others" yesterday. it is, by far, one of the best movies i have seen in a long time. the plot line is fantastic, the cinematography is mesmerizing, and it actually teaches you stuff! and! the lead character is one handsome man. his role is very educated and sexy, devilishly charming, and provocative. his girlfriend is just as beautiful and enchanting...having all those features and sophistication that makes you wish you knew her. point being, i came out of that movie feeling as though i honestly couldn't have lived my life without seeing that film. so...i recommend it to all.

ABOUT TIME FOR ALL US ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT FANS!

2008-02-03T14:56:00.000-07:00

YAY! IT IS FINALLY GOING TO HAPPEN!
link

THE LIARS

2008-01-31T14:25:00.001-07:00

last night i saw one of the best shows that i think i've ever witnessed.

no age started the set, which was interesting. i've heard their stuff before, and it isn't necessarily bad...it just isn't really my cup of tea. some of the stuff got me, but then it would end abruptly and begin with something that didn't really grab my attention. i was waiting with my fingers crossed for liars to get on stage. i waited in my little spot at the very front (i was gripping the stage the whole damned show and rocking my ass off!) then they got on. then they conquered us all. first, let me explain the situation here for those that do not know. liars were supposed to play here months ago with interpol, but their van broke down and they were not able to make it. they had enough popularity among boiseans that desperately wanted to see the band that they came back with noage and played this small venue bar called the neurolux. i was already hoping they'd come back, but it was even better than i could have imagined! a small little venue, with a band that i absolutely adore. so, it goes like this:

they started with the set (from what i remember) with "houseclouds" (from the new album).
at some point, my good friends tracy, cameron, and heather were all around me as a pack of liars fanatics. i spotted my old high school buddy ashley in the croud hovering against one monitor. an old moscow friend of mine named stephanie was gripping the monitor next to me. i was gripping the stage, my knuckles turning white from pouring in all my emotion from the music into my every movement. then they played an all time favorite of mine

then somewhere afterwards came "drum gets a glimpse"

this was a definitely nice and mellow song to add into the mix (and one that i absolutely adore), and i think i couldn't stop smiling through the whole fucking song because of how great it sounded over the amazing neurolux sound system.

right around the time they played, "we fenced other gardens with bones of our own," i was moving myself with the beat heavily. at some point tracy, cameron and i were all moving with this frantic movement of enchantment. i looked over at tracy, and her eyes were closed, her mouth slightly formed into a smile. i gazed over at cameron, and he looked at me with the fire in his eyes. he worded, "i fucking love this song!" and i was just as excited. during the line, "fly fly the devil's in your eye, shoot shoot," tracy and i began screaming the words along with them with all of our fury. it was as if tracy, cameron and i were back into our old days back at the sotano house venue, breathing and becoming music.

then came a song that always kills me everytime i hear it. it gives me shivers just to remember how it sounded.

as "be quiet mt. heart attack" went on, i felt all the great feelings i felt the first time i heard "drums not dead". i had to look over at heather and cameron during this one, and heather gave this look of completeness. cameron looked like he was most likely thinking that he wanted to go home and start playing music (you know, inspiration from the show). tracy had that same look too. hell, i was thinking the same damned thing myself.

at some point they ventured into "plaster casts of everything", and i was at this point realizing that i'd hit my head on basically everything in front of me within these two insane dance numbers. heather grabbed onto my shoulders, and we became one gigantic dancing monster. eventually she snuck up next to me for the song that i think she enjoyed the most out of the whole evening (since i think she might of even started crying with completely and total joy!)

once "the other side of mt heart attack" came on, my whole body got the shivers. i started slightly crying, and i didn't know why. i think you get to that point where something strikes you as being so sincere and moving, being so endearing and sensual, that you cannot react any other way without tears. heather hugged onto me (and i think she might have been crying along with me on this one), and we couldn't stop smiling. i felt as though everyone loved everyone, everything was going to be okay, and that the only thing that mattered in the world was happening right there and then.

then they played two songs in a row that totally rocked my world and were by far some of my favorite live musical performances that i've ever witnessed.

"a visit from drum"

and

"let's not wrestle mt. heart attack"

i think i have never felt so united with a group of people until "let's not wrestle mt. heart attack" came on. i've probably missed some of the set in here, but that is most of it. after the show, my wonderful and fantastically sweet fiance went up to the guys and asked them to sign this booklet with some random messages as a valentine's day present. not only are the guys talented and fucking bad ass, but they are also sweet and hilarious. if i ever get the chance to scan it up and put it on here, maybe i will. i would like to end this by saying something of gratitude...

thank you to darrin, brion rushton, emily, tracy, tinker, heather, cameron, and all of the other people that made last night one of the greatest evenings i have ever had in my entire life. i owe you all big time for sharing such a great experience with me.

p.s. sorry to alex that i didn't end up talking to you. i spotted you, but i was sort of walking off hitting the monitor with my head on accident. well, and my slight bits of possible whiplash! ha!

2008-01-29T15:47:00.000-07:00

the search for employment.

today has been a bit irritating on the job front, but still promising either way. the two jobs i spent awhile this morning getting a portfolio sent to just sent me the "we already filled the position" emails back. it sucks, but i can't be annoyed about it. craigslist isn't always the best way to look for a job. i've just went through all the state jobs lately, and i am taking that next alternative. i just want a damn job!
luckily it looks like my unemployment should come in this week, so this at least keeps me alive while i'm looking. i keep hoping that i hear back from these two jobs i applied for, but i'm waiting to get some feedback on them. if i don't hear soon, i probably will call them. i know half of these say, "don't call us or we won't hire you" basically, but i don't want to waste my time hoping on them if they don't call back. so now i'm just sitting here doing the crossword (yeah, i decided to take a break from the job search for an hour), and i probably will start working on invitations soon.

for some weird reason, i am looking at this streetlight outside. "what's the frequency kenneth?" just came on. i feel like i'm 15, probably wearing really ratty jeans, my hair a fright. looking at streetlights. i have no idea why these kinds of things make me feel so fantastic.
i havn't heard this song in a really long time, but for the first time in a long time, i actually enjoy hearing it. i hated this rem album, except for about 3 songs on it. monster was the weird, kinda confusing rem album.
oh shit. i just opened this gate that now i know i'll have to go off on....

MY LOVE FOR R.E.M. by holly "bling bling" johnson

since i was about six or seven years old, i have been listening to rem. they are probably the only band (well, other than the beatles, tommy james and the shondells, and queen) that i have continued to love for this long. one of my favorite songs as a kid was the all time most hated rem song, "shiny happy people", as well as "it's the end of the world as we know it (and i feel fine)".
then i got a little older and fell in love with "everybody hurts" enough that i went out and purchased the single, then the album. i don't even know how many times i have listened to "automatic for the people" anymore. i am sure i could write a book about that album. i could easily tell what i thought all of those songs have meant over a period of the last gods knows how many years, and i could describe these various vivid events when i listened to this album. then one day i discovered my little piece of heaven.
oh man. it was like i finally heard music. i thought i had heard the greatest albums of my life, and then i heard murmur.
"murmur" is one of those albums that i've tried to get almost every friend of mine to listen to. my friends think it is weird that i love this album so passionately. if they get in my car and it's in the tape deck, they take it out before i have any say. they think the album is funny and "silly popular 80's music." you know, i think its funny that they consider them so funny though. these friends have listened to new order with me a billion times over and got stoked about it, and they think depeche mode is revolutionary. what makes rem so funny then? they seem to have been preserved with such a universally traditional sound. you can play that album to date and feel as though it could easily fit in this day and age.

i'd continue going off about rem, but i actually don't really want to anymore. it was more of that "spur of the moment" kind of thing, you know?

instead it is time for me to post up pictures that will make you feel as though everything is going to be okay.
or...well, okay yeah it'll probably be okay.

have a good day!

frankly, mr. shankly this position i've held...it pays my way and it corrupts my soul.

2008-01-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

it is time for me to post the trains of thought for today.

1. what do i want to do next with my life? what are the main goals i have in a career? do i want to attempt to make a career part of my life currently, or am i more focused on pursuing the job i've worked to create for the last 3-4 years?
2. the fog overlooking the valley gives it soft undertones. it is as if the sky is kissing the snow gently, creating their patterns of emotion on our eye level for small comforts. it is a rather interesting thing to go through while you are mellow from an evening of great invitations and bliss.
3. i overheard a conversation recently where a man walked into a coffee shop and began talking about his brothers accrued injuries from a prank pulled on him by a friend. the barrista replied, "yeah, i know what you mean. a cousin of mine recently got injured while fishing. his friend thought it would be hilarious to come out of the water in a giant fish costume to surprise him, but unfortunately the way he tackled him fucked up his legs and scratched him up pretty good. boy, does he still think that is hilarious though." i have been laughing about this conversation for at least a week now.
4. i had a brilliant concept for an art project that someday i'd like to try creating. i'd continue crocheting various weird patterns and looping them through various pipe cleaner wires. i'd bend the crocheted wires in various directions and create random shapes and figures/images, perhaps leaving strands of the crocheted ropes dangling all over the place. i figure the first thing i'd attempt to do is a crocheted weeping willow tree. i think that would be such an amazing outcome (and a lot of damned work, for sure).
5. i eventually got to get out to the damned gym and work out.
6. becoming a street fighter and dancer. that was more like some weird random fantasy though. i think i'm done with wanting to do that now (for at least the next 20 minutes).

i believe this is it. have a wonderful day, and bundle up!

getting funky and fresh

2008-01-14T18:25:00.001-07:00

i drew this for all of you.

so today has been dedicated to cleaning. yay cleaning! the house looks all sorts of nice, and i can find things much easier. this is always a nice addition to a somewhat cluttery lifestyle (like the one i tend to lead on my own unfortunate terms). the good thing though is i keep finding massive amounts of music i forgot i had, lots of really strange and unique buttons that i had lying around, and tons of fantastic yarn! oh joy! it's like i waited for an old lady to die and took all of her weird collection of stuff! yay!!

i can't wait until the hot chip show in portland this upcoming april. i'm definitely going to see if there is anyway that it could be arranged to go to that show (and if not, the one in seattle). that would be some good times, for sure. i missed them the last time they were there! ultra bummer! i have had this horrible "missing out on really sweet bands, you dig?" problem for the last bunch of years. after living in a house venue for awhile and seeing countless bands every month, i think my brain got stuck in this mode where it was alright to not see as much music anymore. then i realized recently that it drives me crazy to not be able to catch a show every so often. there havn't been too many as of late though, with all the great venues closing up. i'm wondering whether or not this will change within the next couple of years (considering there is this uprising of weird and amazing talent around the area), however the world of house venues have been coming to a close. too many people get evicted for noise complaints, and people are picky about the lengths they will go to for a show. its sad, really. people thought that elk was too far away, often times...and it was only on 27th street (most north enders live roughly about 10-15 blocks away from there). when we attempted to do shows occasionally at the 18th street house (not the blue house across from good samaritan, but the one that i lived in over by eastman st.), it was too difficult to announce the shows for there. that, and we could only do acoustic sets since our next door neighbors had a slew of kids. it is one of those tough times in the music world around here to take the chance of losing your place in the middle of winter to support a music cause that so many either take advantage of, or really don't give a fuck about. sometimes i get this dream though of opening up a little venue in boise for all the bands that still write and ask if they can get shows booked at a venue while going through boise. it'd be great to be able to get some exposure for the great underground bands that come through, as well as the new and creative locals coming out of the woodworks. sigh...someday when i've got the money and patience for a project like that would i even consider seeing how i'd go about getting the funds and right kinds of staff to work around a project like that...and let alone trying to maintain it so that it doesn't get closed down after a couple of months for having kids sneak in liquor, or kids smoking j's right in front of a cop, or whatever. that happens so often with so many of the house venues....

outside of that long winded rant, i should probably spend tomorrow looking for a job. i've not spent nearly the time i should. its so great to get all this other stuff done though too. you can't even imagine how long i've wanted to say, "dude, i totally know where that is in the house right now." feels pretty damn smooth, brotha.

2008-01-10T18:51:00.000-07:00

i would race you anytime, steal the daylight from your eyes

i decided i had to write a nice little rhetoric in response to the news i heard earlier today about bush and his belief that he will supposedly be making the palestianian/israeli conflict come to a close

i was going to write a rhetoric, but i think the article itself just might give you the various responses in your own minds. i'm pretty sure you can guess what i think about this.

i think i've hit the point where i have the most brilliant concept for a college tv station. i'd take all of the various nature toys that i have (for example: angry looking bear or walrus with one eye) on various adventures along the antarctic (the freezer/refrigerator). they come along various competitors, adding in that nice "american gladiators" theme that is totally all the rage. there'd be all sorts of hip characters like leftover celery, tofu with an attitude, the beers from st pauli's girl, and feta you doing. these characters will be competitve, strong minded thinkers. angry looking bear will eventually be lost in the great war of bear vs lasagna, 2036. walrus will eventually lose the other eye in the great ice storm of 2058.

just think about it. freaking brilliant.

2008-01-03T11:24:00.000-07:00

the future, wouldn't that be nice.

(from http://pics.picsdown.com/Ducks-in-a-cup.php)

ducks in a cup is really one of the cutest things imaginable.

i suppose i'll write the only thing i can think of writing that isn't dealing with myself.

to those that have contacted me with a particular issue (you know who you are),

while it may seem that the world is crushing you or that you are fragile, from one's worst times come their best. tragedy happens for many different reasons, but i think it mainly happens to give perspective as to how amazing the great times really are. after a long spread of negative and perhaps awful events, when a pleasant and refreshing one turns up, it allows you to realize how fantastic those great moments are. so, in other words, beauty really does exist in the weirdest of places.

i know you definitely feel hurt right now, but things happen for a reason. despite the fact that this one event is unfortunate for you currently, it might not be in retrospect. relationships are difficult, and especially long distance ones. the worst is knowing that you feel so much for someone, but they are too far away for you to really express it to them. i honestly don't think that i could do it (although i admire those that can and feel that they are some of the strongest individuals i have ever met in my life). think of it this way as well...you have mentioned you feel broken and that you are weak and unable to deal with such emotional distress, yet i've seen you deal with worse before. i know that you are much stronger than the person i met years ago, and i know that you know this too. i know you will not have the chance to read this for some time, and i am sorry i missed your call (i am assuming you had tried to call me...hopefully my assumption is right). just keep in mind that it wasn't this other person that made you who you are or gave you the confidence to continue going on. you had it all along without them. maybe they will come back, and maybe they won't. either way though, you made this amazing life for yourself. don't waste it thinking you lost everything. in reality, you've gained more than you probably will realize for some time.

the sky is overcast outside. it looks dreadfully cold. i don't dare go back out there after walking through the smog that cascaded over the valley this morning. i have this weird superstition as of late about talking of the amount of work i have, or how work feels. i have this weird belief that if i say it is slammed, it will drag. if i say it is dragging along, it will get slammed. i've had this belief for years, but it seems to be so much stronger as of late. the funny thing is that deep down i'm sure that nothing really changed at all. i think it is probably the idea that i am so focused on one feeling that when the environment is slightly altered, it suddenly becomes overwhelming. who knows. i just love the fact that i actually am so concerned about it that i don't want to admit how i feel about work right now.

i hate not being able to sleep. i've had this problem for years where i'll not be able to sleep for days on end and then suddenly crash hard. it is not nearly like the days in moscow where i went a full month without sleeping and was on a few medications in the hopes of lulling me to sleep (and sadly, none of them ever worked). i wish i could instantly fall asleep like everyone else i know. i struggle all night thinking a million things, trying not to think of them (which telling yourself not to think is still thinking, so it actually just becomes this annoying and vicious cycle of your mind yelling at itself for thinking anything in the first place). then when i'm finally feeling relaxed, my brain gives me this whole slew of stuff like "you're doing good...you'll be asleep soon. just stop thinking and keep going with this." by me acknowledging all of this though, i am once again awake. i then go back through the first cycle, slowly to the latter cycle, then back to the first cycle.

then i eventually usually give up and let my mind wander to whatever weird thing it wants to focus on. most of the time they end up being negative trains of thought, simply because i'm annoyed with my mind by then. the positive aspects get wiped out by the stress of trying to fall asleep. if i get out of the random memories stage, it becomes these really awful statements in my head, such as: "its pathetic that you can't even sleep correctly, let alone do your job correctly" or, "all you'll have when you wake up is another day of barely existing to most people." i know this is awful, and i honestly don't even know why i am sharing this. i've been very strict with not putting my really negative thoughts on here, but i'm too tired to care today.
i finally get spoken to in the last hour, and it is all questions about the wedding. ugh. yet another stress brought to my attention. everyday it is just more and more stress.
more people telling me what i am not doing right or just not doing at all. if only they all knew that it takes me about 20 minutes a day to figure out why i am getting out of bed in the first place, maybe they'd finally freaking understand that maybe i'm not a slacker, and maybe i'm not a freaking idiot...i'm just totally sick of feeling like i am nobody all the damned time.

dang. this is really depressing. i always promised myself to try to end each post nicely, so here we go.

have a great day, and i wish you all the best.

2008-01-02T10:59:00.000-07:00

across the universe.

i think my new years resolution this year is a bit more complicated then the last.

i want to be able to be happy.
i want to be able to accept things as they way they are, not what i always expect them to turn out to be.
i want to have more free time to escape and explore.
i want to have more time to play music.

that's what i got so far.

and this:

pretty interesting.

welcoming a new year

2007-12-31T17:26:00.001-07:00

i'm excited for all the great things in store for this new year, and excited for all the experiences that each of you will get to devour yourselves in within this new and upcoming 2008!

as for me, i am currently sitting and attempting to be all sorts of excited. i guess the new year vibe hasn't really hit me yet. i am assuming that it will get there in about 4.5 hours.

2007-12-21T11:46:00.000-07:00

i am so glad i finally installed firefox on my work computer.

i didn't think i could get through administration rights to download, but it turns out that they don't seem to come up for google products. i downloaded firefox through some google options download thiingy, and sure enough it worked. now i can actually keep one browser closed in the system tray easily (i'm a big fan of trayit, i must say!) versus a gazillion of IE applications. the most irritating for me is that if i ever open a website like slate while having the IE browser placed in the system tray, it closes the application every time. i am always forced to resign in again and reopen any of the google stuff i had opened previously. with firefox, it works really great with trayit. you can keep google opened without and problems, and it helps many of the digg articles that i find to open with ease. with IE, it tends to not show images often. i honestly have no idea why.

what to mention. lets see.
i am really sleepy right now and am going through the cycles of maintaining some consciousness. i already decided i am leaving by 3:00 no matter what. i figure that i deserve it, and that the lack of things to do gives me proper right. plus, i honestly need to go check out this store that everyone keeps telling me about. i am excited about the opportunity to hang out with friends. i havn't hung out with my friends in so long that i've finally started to feel depressed about it. i didn't really notice that feeling until i got to that self realization that no one calls me anymore, and no one bothers to invite me to anything. i kept thinking that maybe i did something really stupid and wrong, or that maybe i am a dislikeable person. then i realized that i wouldn't hang out with me either considering i always have to work or do something else. perhaps this break will change this cycle, and perhaps it will also give me some time to get that boost of self esteem that i really need. i figure just seeing old friends and being able to sleep in for a bunch of days will help me considerably. i can't remember the last time i've had days in a row to relax without being under a terrible illness or under the blanket of a tragic experience. shit. it just makes me think about my great grandfather and whatnot. i sort of wish that i would have had time to go back out to wellsville for day of the dead. for one, that would freak out all inhabitants of that town, but two: it would have given me a chance to finally have some time alone to look at this really amazing part of my childhood. some of the more lucid memories i have as a child are all from that town. the fact that it is nestled away in the middle of nowhere, that hardly anyone lives there, that it is covered in a delightful layer of snow throughout a good portion of the year, it has this serene beauty that has always struck my fancy...despite being in utah.

outside of these things though, i am excited to see all the people that i miss dearly. i am excited to pat them on the back, share a drink, and hear how they have been. i hope they have all been good. i hope they thought of me as i thought of them.

most importantly, i am so damned happy it is friday. this is probably a weird thing for me to say, but i plan on getting mighty plowed today or tomorrow. i freaking deserve it!

2007-12-20T15:34:00.000-07:00

once when i looked and saw you standing by the subway line

frankly, the only thing i feel like i should put up is this great article that darrin found:
http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5iVC1KMTOgwiSoMQyT2LwZc9HyAgA

this made my week!

2007-12-19T11:35:00.000-07:00

for the love of god. literally.

my friend just sent me this link:
http://www.newsweek.com/id/78181
the thing about this is that he is using FEAR to try to make people BELIEVE. is that the best tactic, exactly? it reminds me a little bit of things such as hell house. the thing that cracks me up about this sort of stuff is that from what i've always learned, scaring people into believing something is what you would do if you were attempting to get people to join a cult. don't get me wrong..everyone has the right to believe what they want. the problem i have is that anyone should get that opportunity to choose, not being scared into choosing. that to me just seems messed up.

to make up for all of that insanity, i will give you all this video that is much funnier. also: i am only doing links here because i am not logged into blogger. so this is what you get.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=BkgMbU-we1o

oh man. oh! and i finally figured out the discovery of the flight of the conchords! funniest show i've seen as of recent. i know that i sent some clips to justin that he really dug, so i figure i'll put the bowie clip up here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxtbJf5E9i4&feature=related

other than all of this, there isn't much to speak of as of recent. i just keep hoping to go home and get all sorts of relaxed!

bare in mind we all fall behind from time to time

2007-12-17T16:03:00.001-07:00

so i took the test. my results are sort of bizarre.

Find your own pose!

how did it KNOW that i sleep that way all the time?
although i think i eventually get to this bloated whale sort of pose eventually. that is my favorite of all sleeps. it is like my brain totally shuts off and my body goes ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............
in other news: i have to drive in tomorrow too. this week is already a lot busier than i ever predicted. it is definitely a good thing though, for sure. i suppose after this i will go play with my ceramic cup thingy and figure out what the hell will be great for dinner.

let me just say this...if you don't think you can understand a car wash, then why exactly would you go through it in the first place?

this is the kind of bar that i would want to go to!
drinking in space is totally awwwwwesome!

and this is for darrin, since it is random and weird bikeness.

i will also state (in response to what i have just read) that i am indeed the luckiest woman to have a man like poodlecakes. he's a great man, and he knows how to have fun. most importantly, he wants to understand how i think and feel. i like that a lot. i am excited for every day that we get to live together.

everybody's happy nowadays

2007-12-15T16:59:00.000-07:00

INSANELY FUNNY

i am supposedly going to go make really cute little ceramic things tomorrow with my coworker. it should be lots of fun! hopefully i will be able to take pictures of all the stuff and put it up for ultimate cuteness.

in other news,

INSANELY CUTE

NO FREAKING WAY
I SERIOUSLY NEED A SLOTH
NEED!!! A SLOTH!
AT LEAST ONE PER HOUSEHOLD!

and if for some weird reason you want to know what i love currently,
http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/ref=gno_listpop_wi/105-3670193-5804460
there you go.

happy 200th post

2007-12-14T08:27:00.000-07:00

i am not sure if this is a day of celebration, but i just realized that this is, indeed, my 200th post ever on blogger (or that is what it tells me). if you were to ever go back through the journals, you wouldn't find that many. many of them were from about 6 years ago when this journal used to be titled, "fuck the police"...i deleted all those entries because, well honestly, it was a part of my life that i felt needed to be closed off. so with this post i will celebrate the fact that all the posts thus far have become pretty normal and calm. it is not nearly as chaotic. how nice.

with that, i will also leave you with this sloth.

YAY SLOTH!

anytime you feel blue.

2007-12-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

put on "la sirena de percera" by old time relijun. dang. you can't really feel sad listening to this album. it is still one of my all time favorite shows in my lifetime as well. i don't think i've ever danced so hard in the sotano, that i can recall (or maybe just as hard during wives or point line plane). either way, it was good times. i went ahead and went to albertson's this morning for something to eat with actual substance (i've discovered that i've been losing so much weight because i've been skipping so many meals. ugh. nevermind finishing this. now i've got to go help someone with something, as usual. why should i be surprised? i'd cry, but it doesn't get me anywhere anyways. i guess i'll finish this later.

2007-12-12T13:02:00.000-07:00

things that i wish would come back.

FREAKS AND GEEKS! man, this show was entertaining. i remember watching it a lot when it was on tv, but i forgot about how great it was.

the weather this morning was very cold, but it made me feel this strange feeling that i couldn't shake of complete deja vu. while i am quite sure that i have not walked down the same road before, it still seemed so familiar. it felt as though i was taking on all the same feelings again, the same levels of cold, and the same jangly walk. it was rather pleasant.

i almost wish i didn't take the bus today. i really feel like taking off now and going home to catch up on all these months of lost sleep, but i know there's just no way that i'm getting a taxi for that kind of thing. the feeling eventually has to shake, i suppose. i've become really used to not getting enough sleep these days. i just don't feel so great today without it. i think it's just because i've been so damn focused on these plans.

and now, i will stop with the whine and cheese. enjoy your day suckas, and make sure to give someone a hug while you are out and about.

2007-12-06T13:08:00.000-07:00

i decided it would be fun to take this picture of heidi and i and make it look like we're on tv and have a spotlight shined on us. it definitely needs work, but there you go. i also got sent this picture of hogan and i from my birthday last year. the background stuff makes this so amusing!

i sure hope i start to feel better soon.

2007-12-06T08:25:00.000-07:00

as i was sitting there eating breakfast, a wave of this really weird exhaustion swept over me. i thought i was just really tired. now i am sitting here and my stomach is twisting in knots. i feel absolutely horrible. i am hoping that i am not sick all over again and that it is just the food i consumed, because otherwise, i seriously am considering rushing to the doctor as quickly as possible. my stomach really, really hurts.

uuuugggghh...

between wakefulness and sleep

2007-12-03T09:20:00.000-07:00

i've realized as of recent that i've been using this in different terms than it used to be. i started this blog years ago when i was going through a divorce. i did it because i couldn't afford to talk to anyone about my issues, and i didn't really know what to say. later on, i felt guilty about using it as a format of self loathing on display, and i tried to give it personality. the posts started to be less about myself, and more about politics and music. lately it has went back to what it was before. i mention this because while it makes me feel guilty, i know it shouldn't. if i've got something to say, then i've got something to say. if it makes me feel better, than it was worth writing. so here is my can of worms for you all.

realization #1: i actually do have to interact with others. while part of me doesn't want to, i know i have to. as a good friend of mine said recently to me, "you cannot let inertia win. you've got to force yourself to interact with others." although i've got to a point where i feel anxious and sick throughout most social interactions, i know it is because i feel so uncomfortable about myself. the more i force myself to talk to others, (hopefully) the more i will realize that everyone has levels of anxiety when trying to adapt to other people. i've just got to get myself out of my shell and start communicating again. i also have to force myself to answer my phone again.

realization #2: i've got to start playing music again. even if it isn't my best work, i've got to. you don't just stop playing after you've dedicated your life to it. music has always been there for me when nothing else has. it is my ultimate love and passion. i never feel as pumped as i do after finishing a show that i know went well, after i have wrote a song filled with all the essence of my being, after expelling all my depression and anger into words that i won't even remember minutes after. it is invigorating and real. i cannot ignore what makes me who i am, and i've got continue recording. it can't make anything worse, by any means.

realization #3: exercising helps. i felt great after i left the gym the other day. even though there was creepy guy looking at my ass when i was getting out of the car in the parking lot, i still enjoyed burning some calories and jumping into the sauna. i just wish i could have had my sweetie with me...but it was still very relaxing.

realization #4: i can be happy. it's okay. no one is going to get angry at you for actually taking time off and doing something for yourself. they'd probably applaud you for finally doing it.

realization #5: i am, indeed, the luckiest person i know. i've met this wonderful person who is understanding and giving. so why do i get scared by this? why do i get frightened that i am doing everything wrong and that he'll get disappointed and leave? i've been reassured, and i know deep down that he never would do such a thing. it's like i have been let down so many times in the past that i still expect things to change. i am (and i am finally admitting this to myself because diego went off on me about this...thank you) for going through a cycle about 4 months into any relationship when i get prepared to get dumped. so i slowly distance myself away and take everything seriously, assuming that anytime i will see them next they will start off with those fatal words, "we have to talk." this behavior, however, only pushes the person i love further away from me, because i am forcing it to happen. it is this harsh cycle that makes no sense whatsoever that i have literally been doing for years. why? that's the thing that gets me the most...why? why do i push the person i love away from me, and why do i think that is what they want? the worst thing about it is as i am doing all of this, i feel awful. i recognize that i am doing it, but my brain starts repeating these weird negative messages. i've got to start setting up a system of things to repeat to myself in my times of extraordinarily negative thoughts.

self realization #6: i'm going to try to do something i've never done before. once a week, i am going to sit down and attempt to say anything that i think needs to be said in order to keep a happy and open table lifestyle. i've not been as honest as i should be. i've definitely been more honest than i have ever been in my entire life, but i'm still hurting myself with my attitude, as well as others. so, in others words (for example), if someone says something that hurts my feelings, i will make sure that if i can't tell them at that second, i will tell them later. if things need to start changing around the house, i will say it. there has to be a communication exercise happening in order for me to get used to saying what is on my mind. as much as i didn't realize it, i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by saying a few things that had been bothering me yesterday. the sad thing was, they had been bothering me for about a week. i just couldn't let myself say anything about it, for some odd reason. as usual. so this is going to be a format to start talking, without feeling as though i'm ruining someone's day by saying anything. it will be expected, because it will be a regular exercise to help make us stronger.

self realization #7: designate a day every week to do something important/special. perhaps a date night every week, or a day where i take myself out and have a good time. this kind of scheduling should provide some time to become more intimate and relaxed. that's definitely necessary these days.

self realization #8: things won't end up the way they did in the past. most importantly, i'm too good for any of that to ever happen again. the fact that i ever took a single word expelled throughout my divorce as being truth to who i am as a person is ridiculous, and i know that i am not (as i was told at the time) "crazy, uneducated, and chubby." if i were crazy, i would not have achieved and lived through any of the experiences that i have. if i were uneducated, i wouldn't be where i am today in a great job with so many opportunities. if i were chubby, that would mean i'd have to be most likely of bad health. i'm only 125 pounds, and i take pretty good care of myself. geez...back then i only weighed 110 pounds, so the fact that was said makes it seem even more sad in retrospect.

and last, but not least...

self realization #9: i can't change the past, and i don't want to. i can't change the experiences of others either. why should i want to anyways? i've got enough stories that i could write a million novels, and have wisdom to give to others. i could not desire more in life than to have lived it fully, no matter what turns it may take.

i know that this isn't a fun and fancy post, but it was needed. darrin sure is great, and i sure love him. the best thing is that i know he loves me unconditionally as well. i wrote this down for myself, but for him as well. i want to make sure that we do have great communication. i wouldn't want to destroy the one thing that means the most to me (other than myself, of course). i do want to spend the rest of my life with him, and most importantly, i want it to be a happy and satisfying relationship. i feel really great after writing this too. it was definitely needed, for sure.

so...i suppose what should be said is that even though i've been sad lately, deep down i am really happy. i've been reliving a lot of the things i went through when i was married before. it's a big can of worms, unfortunately. there are many things that i havn't told a soul about that relationship, and frankly, i don't know if i ever could. the thing that is important to remember though is that i went through it, and it will not happen again...even though my brain keeps sending negative messages that it will. just because jim couldn't handle the fact that i'm open and honest about things doesn't mean that darrin will (and i know he won't). i am thrilled about this relationship. i feel rather funny about admitting this all on my blog, but here it is anyways. have a great day.

2007-12-01T12:39:00.000-07:00

giga dance, giga dance

it is cold outside. i can see a fog above the grass, lightly lingering about in the afternoon musk. i've thought about going out there and finally going to the gym, but at the same time it is so nice to finally just sit here and not do anything. work this week hasn't been horribly stressful (it was for awhile earlier this week), but i've been going through a lot of my own crap. i definitely send a thank you to blake though for being really compassionate towards my state of well being. it is good to know that i've got a friend that wants to make sure i'm doing okay. i send the same wishes out to him.

so i'm sitting here listening to tapes 'n tapes, doing a crossword (while typing this up at the same time), and realizing how completely separated i am from society these days. i know i could easily fix this problem by getting in my car and going to boise today, but at the same time, the cold! the blasted cold is keeping me indoors, even though i am wearing long underwear and knee high socks (which looks pretty funny together, for sure). now the player is playing uncle tupelo. it's been a long time since i've listened to them. the irony...the song is titled, "no depression" (yes, just like the old movie/album back in the early '90s...)

i miss many things as of late. i miss romance. i miss seeing my friends. i miss music. i havn't felt the ideas coming to mind musically as easily as i did in the past. this usually means that my funk is pretty bad, and that i've got to wait it out until things finally settle down. i know they will. i guess i should force myself out of bed and start taking care of some planning and whatnot. i've got to stop relying on the idea that anyone else will help me with planning. i've got to go out take care of it myself. so...i guess i'll probably give up and see what various stores i can find for a dress. people keep telling me i should crochet a dress, but trust me-- i've tried that before. it's not going to be an x-rated wedding. sorry.

this is one of those mornings where you wake up satisfied that you finally got a full night's sleep, but wake up with that knowing that you could probably just go back to bed all day and have no real change in anything.

i should probably go eat something. i didn't eat dinner last night. i completely forgot. i've been forgetting to eat a lot this week, ever since the dreaded flu. instead i am sitting here drinking a beer. considering this is the first thing i grabbed this morning, i can only sense what kind of day this will be. i know that all most friends are pretty much at work right now. i know a couple of them that are not, but i know that they'll want to get coffee or get obliterated, and i don't feel like doing either of those things too much at this current moment.

now the music is on destroyer. one of my all time favorite songs is a destroyer song. it is only because it has my name in it, but still. holly isn't really as common of a name as you would assume. i can never find any of those little keychain dealie-o's with my name on it.

http://radio3.cbc.ca/play/concert/Destroyer-2002-05-25/Holly-Going-Lightly/

"holly going lightly"

I was stark and I was ravening...
I was idle in spring, and it felt good...
I was fashioned after something made of wood,
that I shouldn't have done...
Some girls got guns...
and some get into running favors for the Queen,
like deciphering what it means when the band goes -
"DooRah DooRah DooRah DooRah!"

I was 'bedsit' and reviews were rave...
I dug your poetry a grave and it felt good...
I was modeled after something made of wood,
that I shouldn't have done...
Some boys build guns...
and some get into running errands for the King
like making out the words when the band goes -
"DooRah DooRah DooRah DooRah!"

Hey there, pretty flower...
Get yourself together...
Momma's been looking for you,
but momma should know better.
I was silver... I was gold...
I watched Holly going lightly down the road..

all in all, i suppose you could say that i am happy. i just have to learn to shut all the demons out of my head that tell me to be sad about all the things that should not affect me whatsoever. things like the one that formed yesterday:
"the person talking to you thinks you are stupid. you can tell by their mannerisms..."

god. who cares. who really cares. i don't even know what brings me to think things like that.

my radio station just put on a frog eyes song, and it made me recall this time when i was dating this guy after the divorce papers were signed. about two months after, i was seeing this guy that was an alcoholic/methamphetamine fiend (and yeah, i didn't know that until the point where our relationship fizzled into nothing). point being, he made me this cd that he titled, "resuscitation" as a gift. the song, "a latex ice age" by frog eyes was on there, and he pointed it out to me. "every time i ever hear this song, i think of you. i hope that everytime you hear it, you think of me." about a month or so before this, when i was dating this other fellow (who cheated on me and was also an alcoholic...i was on a string of alcoholic boyfriends for a long time) i had remembered that krug wrote the song for his wife. now when i hear that song though, however, i just think of what a jerk that ex-boyfriend was for lying to me and using me in his messed up little self deprecated lifestyle. well, and that it is a beautiful song that krug wrote for his wife.
either way, the song is still beautiful. here are the lyrics.

"a latex ice age"
what's california?
with them streams, and their creeks.
running down, down to the sea.
ohoh, let me see.

a latex ice age
descended the pint-sized children
and fathers of the land

though the ice is repulsive to them
when the winter, it bloody clings
and the summer, it moves long
so, hit the road and hit the wrong
come along: my bait's all right
make one famous, make next sick
upon my collar i'll feel your prick
row the poly with the poly

i really need you
because there's holey woods
and there's holy creeks
and there's love in the limbs
and love in the treetops.
"they will rise to greet occasions."
they will run from the falling apart
they will rise from great occasions,
and they will run from falling apart

i suppose this is it. have a great saturday.

i am not sure if i have posted any of this yet...

2007-11-30T09:39:00.000-07:00

...but either way you need to see how freaking amazing it really is.

and this mike huckabee bideo is rather bizarre. probably a bad decision on his part to do this....(and yes, i fully admit that part of me wants him to win just because of the movie "i <3 huckabees". in reality though, there's no way i want him to really win the presidency...

all good hands keep company

2007-11-29T10:15:00.000-07:00

it feels so good to finally fall asleep.
it also feels good to know i didn't have to drive in today.
it also also feels good to know i'll actually get to see the facilitator much more often now.
here i am at work, and for the first time in a long while, i am totally relaxed. it could change, of course, but i feel really good right now.
this woman on the bus said that another woman that works on the same street as us does carpooling occasionally, and that if desired, we could all probably carpool every so often. i might take her up on that, except i don't think anyone should ever have to ride in my car. its such a disaster (in general)...even if i cleaned it, i think most people would never want to step inside of it. it has so many weird and bizarre sounds, and many things about it that make it sort of a super car meets destructo car.

it is definitely not this car. it dreams it is, though. it's more like this car:

only it isn't a vw. well, and its not really herbie. it just acts like herbie. it goes bananas, and it is always the star of any party involving lots of hijincks.

and this has nothing to deal with anything previous in this post, but i found this article to be extraordinarily fascinating. thank god for women's rights!!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=496827 (and sorry that my linking isn't working, for some odd reason...just copy and paste into your browser)...

and for those of you that have yet to see the classically horrific view of black friday at boise towne square mall, here it is:

enjoy your thursday people, and keep your eyes on the skies!

admitting anything is complicated.

2007-11-28T12:57:00.000-07:00

...but here we go anyways.

i almost wrote a lot here. i almost wrote everything i really want to write. sometimes you've got to decide what people really need to know. so, i guess all anyone that ever reads this needs to know is that i'm going to be well again soon. my evenings might be preoccupied here and there, but it will definitely be worth it. i really do love you all a lot. i really do love being alive and seeing all the wonderful things that life brings each day.

everything will be just fine.

whistle while you're low.

2007-11-27T09:50:00.001-07:00

i love norway.
outside of this...well. i don't really know what to talk about.
and this is perhaps the geekiest thing ever, but i finally changed my myspace page. i changed it to a form that is less complicated. frankly, i decided that it is ridiculous to ever care about something like myspace.

i liked this conversation, and therefore i am posting it.

me: i saw that thanh's thing is next week...the this american life segment
totally stoked
Justin: might be put off
me: really?
Justin: a little bit longer, unsure
me: its on the website
Justin: ira is taking his sweet time
really?
me: ira is a slacker
Justin: hmmm.
me: cause he's got that whole sad girl following
Justin: i'll punch him in the jimmy
me: yeah dude
Justin: sad girls like nerds?
me: oh man...totally
Justin: with nasally voices?
me: just like emo kids like joy division
you know what sucks is that i like ira glass, but those girls with the big frame glasses and the, "i am totally going to be a librarian because i think deeper than you do" attitude just totally ruins it for me
although i still like the show, but those people need to get their head out of their ass and make me my damn cappuccino
on time
and stop getting on facebook every freaking minute
the end
Justin: lol
"make me my damn cappucino"
classic
me: god. the worst was that i went into flying m for the first time in awhile, and that was the whole demographic there
Justin: oh yeah.
it's been like that for a while.
me: "oh...i'd talk to you, but you wouldn't understand me. i'm a thespian...oh woe is me"
"if only you bought your clothes at banana republic and lied about it, we could be friends"
hahaha
Justin: We should start hanging out there, but dressed like clowns
juggling, yo-yos
jokes
jump rope
me: YES
Justin: prat falls
general hilarity
offer to paint the emo kids faces
turn their frowns upside down.
then tell dead baby jokes
we will show them that we are darker than they could ever dream of being
in fact i can't imagine anything worse than a full blown clown telling dead baby jokes.
http://www.ottentas.theblog.com.br/dead_clown.jpg
http://photos.jpgmag.com/25003_1674_5183c9d813_l.jpg
http://photos.ivillage.com/images/photos/resize/gurl_Costumes_1159748641544_151767D.jpg
i like that one.
that's doable
me: HAHA
that is the best series of pictures i have ever seen
and if a clown told me dead baby jokes, i would assume that meant that it was a government conspiracy

and now for some general randomness...

i just got this weird message on jango, and i have no idea what it really says (although i am highly intrigued:

Comment ça va.

A partir de aujourd'hui on va essayé de etre 100 % avec Dieu.

Par calendrie orthodox commence la grande renaissance.

How that is.

From today one goes tried to be 100% with God.

With calendrie orthodox begins the great rebirth.

YOU TELL ME WHAT THIS MEANS!! NOW!!

other randomness...
i went to chapala's for lunch today (and i only go there to listen to people's converstions these days)...and heard a conversation that was actually really adorable. this one man was from somewhere, not sure exactly where based on the accent. either way it consisted like this.
man with accent: have you played you're it?
other dude: huh?
man with accent: you know, game where you go, "hey! you are it!" am i getting old for you, no? do you know what i talk about?
other dude: you mean tag?
man with accent: what is tag?
other dude: in america, the game you are referring to is called tag. you would gently hit someone and yell, "tag! you're it!"
man with accent: oh! we call it you're it! my kids love that game!

freaking cute.
man with accent:

the flu is not charming!

2007-11-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

it sure isn't! i got it over the thanksgiving break. this sucks, considering the break was going to be this "breakthrough" of "planning things" and maybe "cleaning"....and quotes are used for these things because really, they are more states of mind then actual movements in the making.

since the flu has taken over my body as the plague, i am barely able to keep my eyes up. i would get a cup of coffee, but that probably will make me want to puke.

the good thing is that a series of amazing pictures were made by darrin...each bringing the meaning of life so much closer to the picture. or something. i had a plan for this post, but my brain is all sorts of fragmented right now. so, you live with what you get!

(and thank you to mild abandon for saying everything i wish i could say, at times...)

the things you realize when you have the time to think

2007-11-20T11:44:00.000-07:00

so, my old high school burned down recently. it is something that i havn't really thought about all that much, and i suppose you could say that i cared a little bit. kinda. not totally. this was the thought that never actually occured to me until now...
does this mean that everything about me, that whole section of my life, is pretty much gone? are all the records of me going to the principal, going to the councelor, all my grades, all my accomplishments, all my humilations...are they all gone now?

i'd like to think so. i'd like to think of it as i was born sometime in october, 2003.

look here, look there, look beyond the door

2007-11-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting back and drinking kava tea. it is really delicious. i highly recommend it to all.

outside of this,
i have been listening to this album and enjoying it immensely.

i love weekends! yay!

a random post about work

2007-11-15T10:36:00.000-07:00

i honestly wish that i could do some sort of audio blog for this one, but i'll see how well i can describe this.

almost every day this week, the fire alarm has gone off. today there is this really great loud pounding sound right above my cubicle, and it seriously sounds like i am at a construction site. while this should be bothering me, i actually totally dig it. when you get on the headphones, it sounds like there are all these crazy new beats. you've got crazy fire alarm beat, crazy hammering/pouding beat, and then actual musical beats. it's nuts! today is one of the best days of work in probably my whole life. things have been resolved that needed to be, and even though i'm scared about certain things, at least i know where i stand.

that...and dancing later! i'm so excited!

i also figured something out today. i've been thinking that the voice of this one woman on some royksopp songs sounded like the woman from the knife. turns out that it is!
her name is karin dreijer andersson, and she appeared as the female vocalist on "what else is there?"
i really like her voice. its sort of creepy, and its also sort of amazing.

hardcore pop is fun

2007-11-14T12:53:00.000-07:00

so i went to the plank today for lunch, which is usually a pertty normal experience. today happen to be completely out of the ordinary for me.

i walk in, order my food, and listen to the waitresses talk to each other about death metal. then this guy that was sitting next to me starts talking about dillinger escape plan (which i was able to go off about, considering i've seen them twice in my life...although i don't care too much about that anymore these days). at some point i made this joke about how my job would be cool if it were one constant kegger. from this point comes the whole, "what do you do for a living?" and then the guy flips out. he goes outside (i am assuming to his car), and grabs a whole freakin' portfolio of work. "would you look at my drawings?" he asks. at first, the collection seemed standard. a few nature pictures, then a bunch of various nude lady pics, and then from there it just got totally weird. lots and lots of serial killer pictures. i look up at him at some point and asked, "is this that guy from russia?" sure enough. gacy, gein, a bunch of crazy other stuff that i couldn't necessarily put my finger on...and i eventually said, "geez, you would have gotten along really well with my exboyfriend ry." the waitress stops talking and said, "you know ry? he was my roommate off of 14th street. he lived in the basement, even though we kept telling him he didn't have to stay down there. he was a really weird guy...nice, but creepy." i put two and two together and realized this must bet the one roommate that ry didn't talk about a lot, since he didn't live there very long. the guy starts asking me what i think of his work, which i replied that it was really well detailed and well shaded...and he gives me this weird look. "tell me the first three objects you can think of off the top of your head."
i stared off for a second.
"space. gravity. richard simmons."
the ladies start laughing.
"how often do you come down here?"
i thought about it a second. "maybe once or twice a month? why do you ask?"
"when you come back here, i'll have that picture done. i want you to see it."

now, i honestly didn't know if this meant the guy was hitting on me (and yes, i still have yet to figure it all out)...but either way, it was such a random experience. keep in mind that dude guy was drinking a pitcher of beer (and straight out of the pitcher, mind you) at 12:15 PM on a wednesday...so who knows? very weird. i got a pretty big laugh out of it all.

as soon as i got to work, i thought about how much i appreciate the fact that i've got darrin in my life. i'm a lucky woman.

i stood in line and ate my twinkies, i stood in line...i had to wait

2007-11-13T08:36:00.000-07:00

you know, its rather funny. i heard something today that struck my fancy. it was the idea that the only element that it is attracted to itself (as a molecule, of course) is water. its something that i have never thought of in depth until darrin mentioned it while driving. i watched the wipers leave these streaks of water like little swans flying, and then running into large puddles on the window. i thought about it a lot more after i got in to work and started thinking about things in perspective.
so, now that i am sitting here, i am vowing some things that i have done before, but have failed at miserably. i am putting them here so that i can be called on it. i'm putting it here because i'm sick of having bad days.
whenever i say sorry for no good reason, i need to be told to stop it. i don't even catch it most of the time, and i hate the fact that i feel like i need to say it constantly.
if i start telling people that i can make time for them, remind me that i've got to make some time for myself first. otherwise, it will all hit me right after i've got done talking to that person.

i think i've made this month better than the last, and i think that i have definitely learned a lot. i do think that in order to feel a lot less stress and a lot more happiness in my life, i think i have to have the ability to not feel guilt for every little thing. i have to stop apologizing for everything. i failed at this the last time i attempted to change this in my life, but i also didn't go about it in probably the right way. i think i've got down a different plan this time that might work, and i think that i know exactly what to expect in reactions from people. the funny thing is, it brings a smile to my face. i don't care about your bad day, i only care about my good day.

2007-11-12T08:13:00.000-07:00

destiny's dead

for the first time in a long while, i am actually enjoying a cat power song. "he war" has got a really great beat. i'm pretty sure i've got this album. i like how i have a lot of albums from people i have yet to really get into, but people have recommended and sent my way. cat power is one of those artists. she came here awhile back, playing at the local bar club called neurolux. supposedly she'd stop playing and demanded her audience to listen to her. part of me thought this was rather selfish, and the rest of me loved the idea.

you don't even want to know how many times i've been up on a stage and wanted to scream out, "why are you even here if you don't want to hear a damn thing that i'm playing? take recess outside, kids."

i know i've done it a million times, though. shows make you want to be chatty.

my nails look terrible again. i didn't bite a single one all weekend until yesterday. one of my fingers just looks awful now. i've got to get a stress ball, or something. maybe i should just start taking out my stress with some sort oversized bag of marshmallows, or something.

i purchased junior boys, "so this is goodbye" yesterday, as well as logh's "sunset panorama"... both of the album purchases were the exact opposite of the sound i figured they'd portray. i assumed that junior boys would be extraordinarily poppy (along the lines of the faint and hot chip...maybe lcd soundsystem). instead, it was rather mellow for the most part. the most poppy song was pretty much the single ("in the morning"), which is decent with me. the album is still great. logh's "sunset panorama" is also mellow, which i assumed wouldn't be the case. i know that most of their music is rather mellow, but i figured it'd follow along the lines of the one song i got to hear off this song called "destinymanifesto", which is definitely a faster song. it reminds me of many different elements. on one hand, it sort of is like a slint album, and on the other, it reminds me of M83. maybe boards of canada. maybe even a shoegaze sound like my bloody valentine, galaxie 500, or human television. either way, this is a really beautiful album....i recommend it to all (and pretty much every logh album for that matter): logh on amazon

outside of this, while i know no one that actually will change any of this behavior will ever read this, i feel like putting it up anyways:

if you want someone to listen to your problems, i suggest you finding a therapist to get your answers. i'm not a free clinic. i'm a human being. i work all the time and rarely take time out for myself. i don't have time to make my free time your "expelling of emotional flatulence"...so if you think that's what i am, then don't bother talking to me. this doesn't mean i don't care about you or what you are going through, but it does mean that maybe i'm sick of being barraged by a sea of issues that brings up everything that i really don't want to think of...and like i said before, this doesn't mean that i don't care about you. it honestly just means that i'm sick of being treated like a doormat for your issues. it wouldn't bother me nearly as bad if you actually bothered to ask how i am doing, and not treating my good mood as being something that should be punished. so, if you are just waiting for that premium moment to ask about your problems and not even bothering to ask me how i've been doing, i'll be handing you this list of therapists for boise, idaho.

thanks.

as funny as it may sound

2007-11-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

i had a daydream that i was a member of the go-gos.

groove is in the heart.

2007-11-08T11:52:00.000-07:00

today i went to europe...in my mind!!

that's what it looks like!!

i don't really know what else to say! sleep deprivation is awesome!!!

they don't want your money either.

2007-11-07T13:14:00.000-07:00

http://www.currencytrading.net/2007/7-countries-considering-abandoning-the-us-dollar-and-what-it-means/

kinda nuts.

thanks rm for the awesome radio recommendation! it's made my listening day much better. i've been getting sick of listening to all the same radio stations every day. at first it isn't so bad, but then it starts to become repetitive. while i like low, i don't want to hear "california" 5 times in a row. i'm not even joking about that! it kept repeating!

even though i am pretty broke, i decided that i had to get out of the office for lunch. i consumed some chicken curry, which made me a very happy camper. i feel so much better now! i guess i was starving! in response, i drew this really awful drawing...(which i kinda love):

and...as jon informed me today, it is albert camus' birthday. here is all the information that jon sent me on the event.
it's the birthday of writer albert camus, (books by this author) born in mondovi, algeria (1913), whose father was killed in the first world war when camus was just a baby. he grew up in poverty, raised by his single mother, and almost died of tuberculosis when he was in high school. but when he moved to paris in 1940, he began writing the stranger (1942), about a man who kills an arab on a beach for no apparent reason. the stranger made him famous almost overnight, and he went on to write other novels, plays, and essays that became associated with existentialist philosophy, including the plague (1947) and the myth of sisyphus (1955). he won the nobel prize in literature in 1957, just 15 years after his first book was published. he was killed in a car accident in 1960.

wandering star...फॉर व्होम आईटी इस प्रेसेर्वेद (for whom it is preserved)

2007-11-06T12:04:00.000-07:00

deerhoof is so freaking awesome. oh, and prefuse 73? kick ass!!

i should probably be having lunch, but something came over me. i lost my appetite. i know i'll regret this in a matter of hours and most likely be starving, but as for right now, i just am not into it.

lets see. upcoming shows.

Thusday, Novemver 15th, Neurolux
Fog
Secretariat

Friday Nov 16th 7:30 $6 Neurolux 21+
Witchcraft
www.myspace.com/witchcraftswe, Radio Moscow http://www.myspace.com/radiomoscow
PussyGutt
http://www.myspace.com/pussygutt

so...if you are in the boise area, feel free to go to those shows. both shows have some really awesome local bands, and both of those band are filled with the nicest folks ever. so...yeah.

oh, and for those of you that don't know, they have released a new music beta radio client online called jango, which i have a ton of invites left on. its free, and its not too bad. its roughly similar to the interface on last.fm, and its somewhat like pandora's music list...more like last.fm on that as well, for the most part. maybe somewhat like MOG. point being...if you want an invite, it's all yours. let me know.

blake just sent me this. oh man. i've never seen this whole movie.

freaky. just as freaky as this.

the fact that this exists makes me slightly sick. the worst thing about it is i hate it, but i laugh at the same time...because that lady really, really scares me.

anyways, outside of all of this, there is much else to be spoken of. i think. i actually don't know. let me see.
hmm. well.
i drew this picture. i guess that can qualify is pretty much everything i've been thinking and feeling as of late.

the thick and thin of it all.

2007-11-04T10:36:00.000-07:00

yesterday was a rather stressful day (although i attempted at every will to think of it as relaxing). a friend of mine is going through a really huge change in their life, one that involves some really big changes and a lot of painful decisions. while at this moment they are really happy about not feeling dragged down by a relationship, i know what will happen next. it makes me very sad. the worst part isn't getting the wheels set in motion for divorce, but after it all. for those first few months of attempting to get used to an empty bed, someone to talk to, the small things that you never noticed that they did for you (that now you have to get accustomed to doing yourself)...it's a tough thing. it really is. while in the end i know she will be happier, (i mean, i was ecstatic about it all after i had time to digest a lot of things at once...losing my best friend, going through a divorce, attempting to regain my family back after 2 years of not talking to them, being raped, being cheated on and told that i was "making it all up" by the guy i was dating at the time, and then being dumped only a few months later by the first guy that i can truly say i loved back then after it all, despite the fact he got me wrapped up in using drugs to "further his career" in directing), but i was definitely happier. even if. i wasn't being dragged down by this jerk that continually cheated on me, used pills, never came home, but then claimed that i was "smothing him with my problems and emotions"...back to the point though: the thing i hate about helping people with problems like this is that it rehashes so many of these things i've lived. while i know you cannot ignore your past, i desperately attempt to not think about most of it. there isn't a day that goes by where i don't think about being attacked for a split second, or that i hurt so many people in the process of doing something that i was not sure was right (and by that i mean getting married to avoid charges brought against him for statutory rape, since i was 17 when our relationship started). the part that hurts the most is remembering how much pain i felt, how many times i had to go to a therapist, be pumped with various medications, and still continue a long string of suicidal attempts over a period of 11 years. i know that this person has lived many of the same kinds of things, and so in the process of helping her, i relive many of these feelings. like the time he had the woman he was cheating on me with call me to tell me he was in jail for indecent exposure, only to find it was all a really mean joke. the time he passed out in the park and left me home alone, calling the police until 10 AM, only to find out he was so drunk that he woke up to the park sprinkler systems cleaning away his haze. the time that i got pushed out of a car over not wanting to go to a sleater-kinney show. the time that he didn't even care to try to find me after his mother thought i was missing in portland. the times that i was told i was crazy, that i must have obviously been sexually abused by my parents because of the dreams i was having..and then at any attempts i had at contacting my parents by mail, having him change the address on the envelope so that it would never reach them. my parents believing that he might have killed me. my parents sending out a detective. me not being able to sleep for a month straight, highly under medication, trying to figure out how i could commit suicide without anyone figuring out what exactly happened. me being so highly medicated that i couldn't tell what was real or not anymore. i didn't want to talk to anyone. i didn't know how to talk to anyone.
while i don't like the idea of making a blog post this highly emotional and about my life, i felt like i sort of had to. sitting there and listening to her go through all of these feelings, i rehashed all of this. i had to expel it somewhere that i could come back to, feel a little twinge of pain, but know that it can be claimed as gone from my life. i probably should say this, but oh well. they are never going to read it anyways.
thank you, mom and dad. you were the only ones that actually cared to make sure that i was still doing okay. thank you darrin for being such an amazing husband (i'm calling you husband at this point...its close enough, damn it). i know that i try to forget my past, and i think i do a relatively decent job to never let it affect me. i do know though that it's been getting thrown back in my face a lot lately, and that i have been rather sad often because of it. i promise i didn't mean to. perhaps this rehashing will make it all not be such a tragic event in my current states of mind.

and point being from all of this, i am glad that she came to this decision too. even though i like her ex as well, if things are not meant to be, they are not meant to be. hopefully i have helped her out, and hopefully i will be able to have some time to not think about such feelings. it's weird how someone else's emotions bring up all the weirdest memories from your own existence.

okay, now i have time to discuss things.

2007-11-01T11:13:00.000-06:00

about an hour ago, i was sitting in my coworker's truck with a bunch of people i work with (including my boss, who is really awesome). at some point my boss turns to me and says, "holly, i have a request for my christmas present this year."
of course this instantly made me laugh, and i said, "okay, shoot."
so he explained to me that he wants me to make him a mix cd of all the music that i listen to, since he wants to impress his son with a cd of some various kinds of music (or the regular parent thing...wanting to feel as though you are in touch with their kids generation of music and whatnot). i kept asking what kinds of music his son is into and he said, "i'm not telling you, because i want it to be all the stuff that you enjoy and listen to. not what you think he'd want you to choose for him."
then this got me thinking. supposedly his son wears name brand clothing from skate boarding shops, he likes a variation between country and hip hop (from what i've gathered, at least), and this leaves me in a fascinating spot as to what to choose. on the one hand, i have a lot of things i could put on there that he probably might enjoy. on the other hand, i know most people look at my music list and go, "this song scares me" (like when i worked at the ymca and put on deerhoof's "milk man"...which didn't pass at all from any of my coworkers). while i KNOW he wants it to be my taste, i think i'm going to have to compile a list of things i definitely like, but know it is something that falls under the catagory of being stuff that most people like. this is what i got thus far, and i need some recommendations back that this seems like a good list. if not, pick the ones you think should DEFINITELY go on there, and from there i can come up with the perfect cd.

the shins- "new slang"
junior boys- "in the morning"
white stripes- "fell in love with a girl"
a.c. newman- "on the table"
my bloody valentine- "never say goodbye"
aesop rock- "none shall pass"
human television- "saw you walking by"
band of horses- "our swords"
galaxie 500- "strange"
figurines- "continuous songs"
belle and sebastian- "a summer wasting"
broken social scene- "windsurfing nation"
caribou- "melody day"
radiohead- "bodysnatchers"
the bats- "up to the sky"
hot chip- "my piano"
chad vangaalen- "clinically dead"
death from above 1979- "blood on our hands"

and i am debating not using the death from above 1979 track and instead replacing it with either an outkast track, or perhaps an lcd soundsystem track....
this is what i came up with for now. part of me thinks this kid is totally going to hate this album. its stuff i listen to, but its definitely not my regular mix...cause if it were my cd, it'd be lots of stuff like sonic youth, sun city girls, the dead texan, kraftwerk, devo, bark psychosis, the books, liquid liquid, and os mutantes...don't think the kid would probably like that as much! i definitely could use some help on this one!!!!

and i know how to type, from time to time.

2007-10-31T21:31:00.000-06:00

i am a big fan of plum wine. i am not sure why i felt the need to let this be told, but it had to be!! it just kicks that much ass!!
especially this one!

crazy name...delicious drink!
and the polyphonic spree is on! this is the most joyous event of the year!!

इ हवे नो आईडिया वहत थिस सय्स, बुत आईटी इस देफिनितेली इन हेब्रेव.

2007-10-31T18:54:00.001-06:00

i have no idea who this man is, but i think you all need to get a good look at him.

2007-10-31T13:30:00.000-06:00

the more you try to erase me, the more that i'll appear

dang. there is a lot of people mad behind me. whoa.

well. i guess the point of this is to get a lot of things off my chest, since i havn't really spoken with hardly anyone lately. i havn't wanted to. i got sick of being a therapist to the world.

so here it is. a month in review.

god, i lost track of where this was going. for some weird reason, i keep nodding off and forgetting what i was thinking. i forgot i had a meeting today at lunch. ugh. okay. i guess that shows my month. hahaha....oh man.

halloween everyone!!!! a bunch of slightly terrifying images!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i don't know what is going on anymore!

थे थिंग्स ठाट पीपुल सेंड मी अरे अवेसोमे.

2007-10-30T10:40:00.000-06:00

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000UX6THK/boingboing/ i totally want this.

this article is currently not opening, but i will post the headline (since it really is sad to think of in retrospect to when i was a kid...)
(from calorielab.com) — "Back in 1963, when the boats that carry customers through Disneyland's "It's a Small World" ride were designed, the average male weighed 175lbs and the average female 135lbs. Not anymore. Disney is now undertaking a massive renovation in which the boats will be redesigned and the flume deepened to accommodate the additional poundage"

and in recently feminist news: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/28/fashion/28vajayjay.html?ex=1351224000&en=63ef015ec978209a&ei=5124&partner=digg&exprod=digg

god, i love gloria steinem.

i have a meeting from 1:30-2:30 today. it doesn't look too fun. moods here are sort of weird today. some people seem on edge, and others seem totally at ease and happy. i was really delighted around 10...and then by about 12, i was super upset. now i'm just half-half. i figure that the one definite skill i have is to take crap, to not say a word back, and to see if i can get the problem solved. if i can do this, then i'm doing my job. i've been wanting to say things lately, but there isn't much of a point in it. it's just better to realize that no matter what, i'm just a drafter. it's not fun, but that's just how it goes. someday things will fall into place. it just sucks when you are really trying to be smart and capable, and you feel like someone just kicked you in the face. i'll say this though...while they may be smarter in these respects, there are definitely things that i am knowledgeable at beyond a level that they have reached. so, i suppose that's the only way i can really view it all.

either way, the one thing that i can definitely say is that cocorosie is coming to boise, and i am stoked. i just got the message from derek and jenni (and they say hello to both of us, darrin). i'll have to make a date for that show, because it is one that i'm thinking will be a real treat.

oh, and these videos too:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1BDM1oBRJ8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAcg-kMC4QA

2007-10-29T12:36:00.000-06:00

an add on to today.

i walk in to get my salad from the kitchen. i hear this sound. i know it can't be good.

what is dripping from the counter onto the floor at a rapid rate?

COFFEE. MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF COFFEE.

i start rushing for the "stop" button on the machine.
it's still going.

karen walks in, and i say, "oh man, can you help me with this?"

she rushes for the one pot that was supposedly needing filled (although we've assumed that it must have not needed filled and someone just never moved it). she puts down a mug for the dripping coffee to go into. i grabbed a sponge and a bunch of paper towels. this became coffee action team! adventure's first stop!
in the end, the spill was taken care of. emails were sent. it was good times.

2007-10-29T10:28:00.000-06:00

i'll believe in anything if you'll believe in anything

for some weird reason, lately while i listen to my music in my headphones, i get this overwhelming desire to make music videos...not really along the same lines as a regular music video, but more along the lines of a documentary about a life of someone that i actually know nothing about.
just to make random, probably most likely bizarre assumptions of a person's life.

(music from wolf parade's "i'll believe in anything" playing, a person walking through the waves of the ocean, dressed in a walrus costume)

"william was always a lover of uncomfortable moments. even when he seperated himself from the other walruses, he knew he'd be the first to hit the waves. he knew he'd be the one to have his day."

who knows why i have these visions.

god, i love this burt's bees lip balm. it makes my lips smack! and!!! they feel so much softer. the worst thing ever is when you accidently bite into your lip. i did that the other day...and the funniest thing was i tasted blood and thought, "did i bite my fingernails down too far again?" then i looked and noticed they actually are better looking then usual. that's my weirdest dilemma since birth...i can't stop biting my fingernails.
trust me, i've tried everything. none of it works. that stuff you put on your nails that helps you not bite them? yeah. doesn't really work when you have barely any taste or smell. it's funny that i only have like...3 senses. it's sort of fun.

i decided at work today that maybe i should not own a phone anymore. i have no real reasoning behind this idea, except for the fact that i just find myself ignoring my phone on an almost constant basis anyways. maybe i should go back to having only a home line again. while everyone laughed at me for never upgrading in the past, i figure...hey, why not? what has a cell phone got me in the last 1.5 years? lots of extra bills, lots of abilities to call collect (which is a bonus), but a lot of me getting stressed that i am not taking every call at every given moment.
at the same time, i want to learn to accept the phone into my life. i see people that love their phone to the point that they take pictures of themselves with their phone, or use it while driving, or use it to discipline their children and animals with, or whatever. that last part was sort of filled with lies, but this is BESIDES THE POINT! the point is that phones confuse me. i don't want the phone to define me. most importantly, everyone else has a phone anyways. i should be able to use their phones.

oh...and let me just say that jango radio is so fascinating to me. i've been writing so many messages recommending music all week. i've liked it quite a bit. maybe my actual job should be reviewing music....if only that paid the bills...

email i got at work.

Hi Prudence,
I'm an office manager at a very small company, where I work with three other girls. In short, I am much smarter than my co-workers. When one of them asks a dumb question (i.e., "What's so bad about Fox News?"), I try to be sensitive and explain without making them feel stupid. Sometimes, though, I get very frustrated, and it's difficult to hold my tongue. Yesterday, my co-worker's sister came in to visit and announced shamelessly that she had never heard of Craigslist. After she left, I exclaimed to my other co-workers, "I can't believe she's never heard of Craigslist!" My co-workers defended her, saying they had never heard of Craigslist until they moved to New York City. I find this preposterous. I didn't say anything else because I didn't want to come off as a snob (which is probably how I'm coming off in this e-mail; my apologies). How does one handle working with people like this? I could keep my mouth shut and go with the flow, but it makes me feel dumb when I don't speak up—I feel that if I don't acknowledge their stupidity, then I'm not doing my duty as an informed young woman.

—Dumbed Down

Dear Dumbed,
Since you're so knowledgeable, I'll leave it to you to answer the following letter:

Dear Prudie,
The three of us work in a small office with an overbearing braggart who thinks it's her job to constantly tell us how smart she is and how dumb we are. If we say something that indicates we don't agree with her political views, she rolls her eyes and gives us a lecture on how to think. If it comes up that we don't know about some Web site she's familiar with, for example, she sighs and tells us it's impossible to believe that we could be that unsophisticated. Her attitude almost seems to be that she feels it's her obligation to point out how superior she is. In some small way, we feel sorry for her because she's so unlikable, but mostly we just can't bear the sight of her. How do we get her to shut up?

—Sick of the Show-Off

2007-10-26T11:29:00.000-06:00

wow.

http://www.break.com/index/we-didnt-start-the-viral.html

lolcats to the extreme!!

2007-10-25T20:44:00.000-06:00

what is it about lolcats that make my day?

it seems so fascinating to me. most of my friends look at lolcats and say, "this is freaking stupid."

but...the most brilliant of us all understand what it is to find the humor in such statements as, "I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?" or "INVISIBLE _______" or "I AM IN UR ______ DOIN UR ________ "...
and all of these things make me go, "wow! no kidding?"
how did you totally make my day, lolcat?

2007-10-24T15:05:00.000-06:00

an "i highly recommend this" moment.

for those of you that have yet to hear this jens lekman tune, i really hope you enjoy it. i've put it on my myspace profile (yeah, that is the geekiest and worst comment that i ever hate to say...eck to myspace. damn its convience). to access the song, go right here: http://www.myspace.com/shit_igloo

also, you can read about jens lekman AND that exact song on slate.com right now! go to http://www.slate.com/id/2176205/fr/flyout for information on lekman, as well as some of the lyrics to that song (and samples of others songs, etc).

i'd go off more on this, but oh well. go check it out if you want to.

2007-10-24T09:54:00.000-06:00

seconds from space.

after the decline of her ever present void, she felt empowered to pursue a career in the art of custodial services. while her friends looked at this as a downfall from her previous employment, they speculated her many mental turns.

"do you think that she has found inner peace? zen?"

"did she go through a mental breakdown?"

"do you think that maybe she was verbally harassed at her last employer?"

no one knew how to present their ideas, and they never dreamed to ask. what if their speculations could be true? would it send her over the edge? she had a way of becoming charmed by her new profession. even though she was not a fan of children and was assigned to clean the muddy footprints from the floors of east englebrook elementary, she was complacent with each moment spent there. the children taunted her with names. instead of taking "poodle cakes" as a form of criticism, she found it to be clever. she even began to enjoy the taunting, the chaos, and the unstructured hatred of the children.

each day new obstacles would emerge. on one day it would be vomit in the middle of the hallway, and a green tinged descendent of earth hunched over in pain. this would give her time to help them from their crouch and waddle them down to nurse mcmurphy's office. another day could be a bully picking on a weakling, knocking their can of soda onto the floor. the next could be a full on rebellion; a food fight. the next day could be the lord of the flies.

no one knew.

no one did anything about it.

she loved it.

after three years of such tasks, nurse mcmurphy had become close to her in such a way that she had even adopted some mannerisms as her own. the nurse spent a large part of her day finding any news articles to rattle her cerebellum with. eventually they spent lunches together. they would go out after work sometimes and talk about politics. science. mathematics. sociology. anything.

eventually, mcmurphy referred to her as, "sister". sister enjoyed such a title, as she always felt like the workforce could use the structure of a family oriented mindset. it made her feel connected.

* * * * * * * * * *

stephanie was not the type that you'd invite for a debate. in fact, many saw her as weak, although she struggled to learn to find inner peace. no one knew how stephanie became so close to sister, but they'd been bosom buddies for years. stephanie would listen to the stories that sister would share, and she would smile in recognition of words dispelled. she was not even sure of the ways in which sister cared for her, or anyone at that. is she the temporary fix for all of the world's problems? despite these facts, she was a regular visitor to the elementary. picking up her pace (considering she had a meeting in an hour), stephanie looks for sister.

"excuse me. can i help you with something?"

stephanie turns around to see a slightly stalky woman with a sea of curls crowning around the top of her head. she appeared as a mountain. perhaps she is the school mascot. perhaps.

"yes, i am looking for the janitor around here."

"oh. they actually prefer to be called custodians."

stephanie feels a ping of stupidity. looking down at her feet, she bellows out an, "oh". part of her wonders if she should turn around now, or if she made a mistake by even walking through the door. despite all of her deep rooted anxiety, she stood there guarding her small section of hallway.

"she should be back soon. i am assuming you are a friend of hers, correct?"

stephanie thinks about her answer. does she really think of stephanie as a friend? she contemplated making up a story, but she didn't know where to start.

"yes. i am."

nurse mcmurphy began pacing about slowly, collecting her thoughts into words--possibly even sentences. she stopped in her tracks, crooking her head to the side at a 45 degree angle (which was a common trait of what they'd call the "thinkin' murphy" in the halls of the elementary), and peered deeply at stephanie with intense delight.

"then perhaps you can solve for me the question as to why a woman like her would want to work in a hellhole like this. you know she is gifted, right? truly brilliant. yet, she sticks around here, cleaning up these halls for eight dollars an hour. i don't get it."

stephanie didn't know how to answer. she'd never dared to ask about the change in profession, and for good reason. no one ever asked stephanie anything. they only put their problems on her. no one ever wanted an opinion. staring in dismay, she muttered the only thing that could come to mind:

"i don't know, but i'll love her no matter what she does. that's all."

stephanie turned around, bolting from the school. the nurse knew she was never coming back. she made a figure eight in the hallway, delighting in knowing that sister would be back shortly to wax away any sign of her delight.

* * * * * * * *

sister paraded down the halls one last time. the glisten of the sun's diminishing glow flowered a crescendo of light against the floor, giving her an angelistic appearance to all that could see her. no one was there to notice, except for the nurse. mcmurphy sat in her office, staring in marvel. looking over at the clock, she gathered up her keys and purse, proceeding from her office. sister looked up at her brethren, smiling with a slight bow. mcmurphy stops in the shadows of a day ending.

"why do you do this to yourself? you know you are better than your job."

sister stares for a moment, digesting the words.

"all we can do is live each moment as if it is our last."

2007-10-23T12:41:00.000-06:00

well, damn.

i have a meeting in a bit, where i know its not going to be good. wish me luck.

2007-10-22T21:13:00.000-06:00

............